Christmas music ponderings

I've been thinking about Christmas songs a lot.  Probably because Benjamin asks me to sing them very regularly and I have to know the words.  Then he stops me and asks what a word means. So I'm considering the words I'm singing much more than before!

And these words...  

The songs and music that fill our little ears at Christmas, they have echoed for years the glory of God through the birth of Jesus!  How can we miss this so easily?  How can these songs be such a habit to sing that the words just come out?  I've been trying desperately to sing these songs, not from memory... 

but as worship.

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angels voices! O night divine, the night when Christ was born!"

"O come, Thou Key of David, come, And open wide our heavenly home;  

Make safe the way that leads on high, And close the path to misery. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."

"All Hail! Lord, we greet Thee, Born this happy morning,O Jesus! for evermore be Thy name adored.Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing;O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him,O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord."

Yes! It's Jesus -- The One the world waited and longed for!  He was in the beginning with God.  All things were made through Him. He is the Word.  He became flesh and from Him we have received grace. {see John 1} He came at just the right time.  He died for the ungodly. {see Romans 5} He rose again, victorious, conquering sin and death.  

He is our Comforter, our joy, our peace, our Shepherd. 

We aren't just celebrating the birth of our Savior.  We are celebrating His life and death. We are celebrating eternal life and freedom from sin -- all because God's plan was perfect and sovereign and good.  As you sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus this year or as you prepare to open gifts and enjoy your family, consider the Christ -- not just a baby in a manger, but the fullness of Him that has been revealed to {unworthy} us.  

He alone is worthy.  He alone is our salvation.  
Come! Let us adore this King, this mighty Fortress, our Savior! 

 

Preach on...

SO many times I've heard someone say, "Preach the Gospel to yourself."
And so many times I have thought, "What a great idea!"  
And it is.

Then I get caught up with myself about "how" to do that and "what" to preach to myself.

{I'm a terrible danger to myself, friends.  Please consider finding me help at some point.}

But lately, God has been opening my eyes in such beautiful ways and revealing Himself in a daring way.  Oh, I'm so grateful that He would do such a thing to someone as undeserving as me. 

I'm still a mess, but at least it's turning into something beautiful.

A few weeks ago in a class I'm taking {through our church, check it out!} we were talking about just this thing -- preaching, not being a mess -- and it was so enlightening!  I would even say it was refreshing and so simple. 

I often struggle with not being able to do "simple" things.  Simply because I'm over-the-top.  I'll "Master the Art of French Cooking", but when it comes to frying an egg successfully I'm toast {ha. hahahahhaha. get it?!}. I can tackle a handful of kids playing at my house and have them all successfully paint something fantastic, but entertaining and keeping up with a single child -- don't test me.  So the "simple" in preaching to myself was exactly what I was missing.

We read through Ephesians 1:15-23 in the class and discussed, verse by verse, how these words were the Gospel. So easy, right?! And from there the teacher said "Look at scripture and recognize what God is revealing through His Word -- the Gospel!"  Yes.

And now all we have to do is remind ourselves of these things!

So {with all of that said} this small statement has caused a lot of chaos in my heart over the last week: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." {Romans 12:12} Even now, I shake my head and consider how powerful this is. 

Rejoice in hope.  THE hope.  Jesus.  Eternal life.  Grace upon grace. Jesus lived and died and rose again.  He's alive.  He alone is our hope.

Be patient in tribulation.  Of any kind -- disciplining children over and over. Disagreeing with your husband.  Struggling with infertility.  Carrying burdens that are not your own.  Handling your money.  Car trouble. Stepping on a lego!  Be patient.  Rest in the arms of the Almighty.  Learn the goodness and the beauty of patient endurance from the One who patiently endured life on earth and death on a cross out of deep love and a incredible obedience.

Be constant in prayer.  Don't stop.  Pray about everything -- little and big.  Pray out loud, so your children will see that it's so important.  Pray with your husband.  Pray with a friend who needs encouragement or guidance or love.  Pray for people you don't know.  Pray that you will manage your time better.  Pray, pray, pray.  And know that God hears.  And we are not forsaken. Jesus shows us how important prayer is through His example!

So there.  The Gospel. Toward the end of Romans.  In a section talking about the "marks of the true christian". But It's everywhere.  The entire Bible shouts out the gospel and reminds us of the hope we have, the freedom we have, our need for a Saviour. 

Don't miss it. Read it and look for the gospel and then...preach on.

The Fairy Tale myth.

Being a princess has always been a goal of mine.

Laugh if you will.  But I wanted to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor, carried away to a castle, be served in every way possible and live happily ever after.  You can't tell me that you didn't want this just a little bit.  Our world has given us story after story, movie after movie of "happily ever afters".  And we've been told that we can have this too!  But it's not real life.

And since that's the case.  I've contently given up my quest for princess-ship.

I've been thinking a lot lately about serving my family and loving them.  I've thought through and sought to understand what it means to fulfill ministry.  And do you know what I've come up with? I'm really proud and selfish!  I have a hard time living in the "I will even if you won't" mentality.  I struggle giving when I know I won't receive.  I feel entitled to treats and this and that because I deserve it. What happened to being a princess around here, y'all!??

How, though, can I be a "princess" if I'm called, by the Creator of the world, to be the least and the last?  I can I serve with a joyful heart and fulfill my ministry if I'm trying to convince, and expect, everyone around me to make my fairy tale come true?  This, I would argue, is absolutely unbiblical and not a godly way to live.

What if my "fairy tale" is scrubbing floors and cooking meals and doing laundry and sacrificing and giving without ever receiving anything?  What if being a princess has just been my way of letting myself live in self-righteousness and pride and resentment and arrogance and entitlement and being fake?

You know what I want?  I want real life.  I want to struggle and cry and grow and change.  I want to plead to God to answer a prayer and then have my prayers unanswered.  I want to disagree and wrestle through things with my husband. I want to laugh with him.  I want to be ONE with my man. I want to discipline disobedient children. I want to praise and encourage and love sweet little boys. I want to cry tears of joy and pain because of my husband and children.  I want to live on a modest budget.  I want to be different from the rest of the world.  I want to live this very real, very crazy, very hard, very, very beautiful life to the fullest.

And I just cannot do that if I'm seeking to be a princess.
There is not enough room in our family for a princess.
Just me.
Humble, joyful, selfless, thoughtful, tender, giving, growing me.
Wherever "me" may be.

Whatever I was looking for in a fairy tale -- adventure! travel! happiness! ease of life! getting everything I want! rescue! leisure! love! -- that simply cannot be found in being a princess, or living a life in pursuit of royalty. Or ever, really.  You'll always be disappointed. And then you'll play the victim because you didn't get what you want.  And then you'll feel entitled to find it.  It's a vicious cycle.

But I say this: God rescued me.  God has given me an incredible husband who has swept me off of my feet.  God has blessed us with two little miracles. God has provided for us so we can be good stewards.  God has shown us Himself through struggle and tears and pain.  And God has revealed His kindness through blessings and laughter and peace.

I couldn't have written this story, His story, better myself.  Praise God that He didn't let me and that I didn't have much say.  My story would have ended in a lot of brokenness and resentment and bitterness.  Instead, come what may on this journey, this girl has joy unending -- not because what I have or what I have done or what I may do.  It's all because I've been redeemed and loved and pursued by the God Almighty.

Forget fairy tales!  I've got Jesus.  And because of Him, I have REAL life.

Anger in motherhood...

I just listened to a great "message" on Focus on the Family {there an app! Listen while you fold laundry!} on anger in motherhood. It's sneaky and it's strong.  And it's easy to overlook. Check it out here!

Maybe you can't relate, but motherhood is hard.  Being a stay-at-home mom has some very hard struggles as you deal with your children 24/7.  It's full of joy -- overflowing, uncontainable joy!  But there are moments of deep struggle and hurt. Anger sneaks up in times of weariness and times of exhaustion.

Everyone deals with and handles anger differently.  Jill Barnhill said this, "It's what you did, but not who you are." She was referring to throwing her daughter in anger after a long battle.  I know it's hard to admit, but it happens and it's real.  But there can be and will be change with the Lord.

One thing she said that stuck out to me was in the very beginning as she was describing herself as an extrovert {which I am} and said, "When I'm high I'm high and when I'm low, I'm low." {referring to her emotions}  Yes!  When I'm so tired of disciplining and correcting and pulling my children apart from one another. When I've overwhelmed by the laundry and the errands that need to be run.  When I start thinking it's about me and my expectations -- that's when anger creeps up on me.  And I raise my voice.  I get easily frustrated.  I get shaky and overwhelmed and I make it about me.

When really, my job is about Jesus.  It's about loving and caring for and correcting two little boys so they can see the Lord and, hopefully, know Him.  It's about shepherding the flock I've graciously been given.  It's about confronting my sin and dealing with that humbly before an Almighty and forgiving God.  It's about being constantly prayerful and always joyful.  And this isn't new stuff -- it's biblical!

Either way, if you have 28 minutes to spare listen to the encouraging words that Julie shares.  And more than anything, confront sin and talk to someone about it!  Motherhood is hard and we DO NOT have to pretend it's pretty and delightful and easy.  It's not and we can't mother well and for the Lord if we are hiding sin and walking blindly into this adventure.

Open your heart to the Lord.  Open your mouth to a friend.  Do not let anger control you in mothering.  Whew, those are such good words for me to remember!

Managing Anger -- Help and Hope for Moms {part 1 of 2}

Anchor

Lately it may seem to you that I have been doing a lot of wrestling with the Lord.  And that would be very true.  We are working through some incredible stuff -- and I never, ever want to be the same as I was.

As I wrestle {and pray. and cry. and process. and learn. and grow} over so many things -- more babies. clomid. adoption. idols. discontentment. entitlement. pride. selfishness. frustration. bitterness -- my heart grows more and more hopeful in the ONE who has called me.  And I learn more and more everyday that He is faithful.

I've been clinging to this verse lately:

Print can be found here via Naptime Diaries
I really need to just buy this already!

My Anchor is strong. steady. capable. never changing. always carrying.

I have hope in Him alone.  

Through Jesus, my Savior, my joy, my freedom and my righteousness.

If there is one thing I've learned over the course of the last few weeks, even the last few days, it's this: My hope is in absolutely nothing else -- only Jesus.  And let me tell you, I know that true because I have had to live it out in tough situations and in joyful things.  

God is good whether I get what I prayed for, or I get what He has planned. 

{And sometimes, it's all the same.}  

God is sovereign if I fall, or if I run.

God is kind -- even when His kindness looks like it should hurt.  

It doesn't. Because I know His plans are best and perfect.

And always, no matter what, God will be glorified.  

The veil was torn.  We've been set free. 

And we can approach Him confidently, with sincerity, with holiness and freedom.  I love that my anchor is Jesus -- and not any other thing.

Mom thoughts... {a lot of them}

There are days when I long for more babies.  I would take as many as we could have/get.  But there are other days -- when I'm on the verge of pulling my hair out -- that make me question the insanity of more children.  

Having a somewhat strong willed, independent, opinionated first born -- who is high energy and needs a lot of attention -- makes me feel like I'm putting in a lot of work and getting only a little accomplished.  It also makes me feel like I'm not giving Andrew all that he needs because so much of me is given to Benjamin.  And I will tell you quite honestly that my second doesn't get nearly as much attention {one on one} or play time as my first did.  I think that is just life, though.  I would be super amazed to meet a momma who gave every single thing to her second as her first -- especially when they are 26 months apart {or less!!}.

But they adapt.  You adapt. Always.  And, Lord willing, are no worse for the wear.  Either of them!

{Mommy guilt is real, though, and should be prayed over and talked through with great wisdom and rational.  Our job is hard, as a mom, and there are great ways to over come feeling awful, or like a failure, or just simply not good enough.  God chose us to be the momma's of each child.  It was not a mistake.  Take heart in knowing that the Creator of the universe gave you each of your children because YOU would be the best mom for him/her.}

Finding their needs and meeting them can be hard.  I hear Benjamin yelling for me, and I find that he simply wants to be near me.  At the same time, Andrew is pulling at my leg with a book.  Clearly there is a compromise AND a good solution.  But not all situations come with a good solution or a compromise.

Days that are full of difficult decisions or not-so-easy solutions can be so exhausting.  Finding the best choice for both of my boys can be taxing on them and me.  And, on days like this, we are all a little weary and tearful by the end of the day.  But there is so much hope in the fact that God has given me wisdom as the momma of Benjamin and Andrew to give them whatever the need for that day.  And whatever I can't give them -- He does.  He's faithful and full of love.  Praise His holy Name!!

I am so grateful for the endurance and patience and strength that only the Lord can amply supply.  Being a momma without Him sounds like the most difficult, daunting and discouraging thing I can think of.  I love that I can find encouragement in His word.  I love that praying for myself and my boys can change everything.  I love that a simple worship song, or two, can bring peace and laughter.

I'm grateful that the Lord is my perspective and not the world.

I'm grateful that my worth is not what my children think of me, but that it's in the King of Kings.

I'm grateful that my heart can rest in Him, it can find peace in Him, it can rejoice in all things because of Him.

So don't lose heart yet, momma!  All that YOU need is found in Christ -- your worth, satisfaction and joy.  Your children can't complete you or fill any voids.  Your babies grow up and everyones needs change. Enjoy the arms of Jesus and rest at His feet.  His burden is easy and His yoke is light.  And there is, quite simply, no better place to find yourself as you spend your days mothering small {or big} children.  

This {being a momma} is your ministry, find yourself in Christ so you can fulfill it well and for His glory!

***************************************************************

Need some biblical encouragement? 

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress, I shall not be shaken.  On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.  Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." ~Psalm 62:7-8

"But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded." ~2 Chronicles 15:7

"Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." ~Proverbs 13:24

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength." ~Isaiah 40:28-29

Meaningful Monday...

Monday. {insert deep sigh}

I usually don't mind Mondays.  

Now, Thursdays -- they can get to me, but Monday's are pretty routine and fun for us.  The Y, grocery store, errands, playing. 

Today we just helped a friend for a bit.  And came home. 

Oh, and I've been awake since 3 am.

Sweet Andrew didn't sleep well.  He finally went back to sleep around 6.

B woke up at 6:20.

Want to know what I did with my 20 minutes?

I read my bible.

And I cried.  

But that's because I don't function too well when I wake up at 3am.

But God's Word is so good, friends.  Whatever you're doing.  Whatever you're going through.  That's your answer: Truth.

"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;

the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;

the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes;

the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than, gold even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.

Moreover, by them is your servant warned;

in keeping them there is great reward."

*Psalm 19:7-11

David wasn't talking about legalism here.  

He was talking about loving the Word of God because it's perfect and sure and right and pure and clean and true.  It's holy and beautiful and always the best place for us to find encouragement and joy and peace and Jesus.

It makes me think of Psalm 63:1 --

"O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You;

my soul thirsts for You;

my flesh faints for You,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

Yes! I long to earnestly seek him, for my soul to thirst for Him.  I want to long for the Lord like I do when I'm running in the afternoon and it's 90 degrees and all I want is shade and water and rest.  I want everyday to feel like that so my heart faints for more of the Lord.

I'm so grateful for God's Word this morning as I am so tired and utterly helpless without the strength of my God.  I'm grateful for His grace -- that I've received by the blood of Christ -- and that I can extend toward my babies.  I'm grateful for forgiveness, from the Lord and from my boys as I loose my patience and temper with them.  I'm grateful for His patience because I have none today.

Basically, I'm grateful for the Lord.  I don't think my words could ever speak the magnitude of emotions in my heart toward Him.  

And days like today are so hard and so wonderful because they keep me humble and at the feet of Jesus.  That's where I desire to reside -- always.  

How is YOUR Monday meaningful?

Easter

Grateful for the cross.  

Amazed at the grace.

Humbled by His love.

Free and righteous in His sight.

Forever changed.

 He is our Redeemer! He has conquered sin and death and has given us life, eternal, with Him! 

Jesus is alive!  He is no longer dead.  Death could not contain Him. He has broken our bondage and set us free.

I'm overwhelmed at the freedom we have in Christ.

I'm captivated by this, by Him!

My little flock...

Morning start early around here.

B wakes up no later than 6:37am {I joke not!}

AR is awake anywhere between 5:30 and 7

Mornings can be hard. Especially after long nights.

Even more difficult without a good, godly perspective.

What do you wake up thinking about?

For me, usually: coffee. being tired. getting food. how stinking early it is. how hard it is to get up early and not have time to myself.

Just being honest.

But the more I pray and seek the Lord to be joyful and content where He has me, in this very season of early mornings and {sometimes} long days. This season of sippy cups and snacks, diaper changes and very routine schedules. This season of tears and discipline, of laughter and tickles. This season of teeny, tiny boys watching me and asking me and growing with me. The more I give myself to the Lord and rest in Him, rely on Him, the more I love waking up.

And I don't wake up thinking about me, but Jesus.

His mercies are new every morning. And lucky for me, my boys help me experience those a littler earlier than I would get to if it were up to me! I'm grateful for that mercy. God's unfailing, never ending mercy. I'm grateful for God's strength. Because I can't mother well without Him. I simply fail miserably and struggle desperately without relying on Him. {believe me. I know this. and God has shown me this over and over the last few weeks}

And He made me a momma. God created ME to be the momma of Benjamin and Andrew - not to make me happy - but to make me holy and to bring glory to God. Being a momma isn't about me. It's all about Jesus. And when I see it that way, well, I can only imagine the joy and love and pleasure that will come from being a momma.

This passage has changed me, lately:

"...shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; nor yet as lording it over those alloted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock." 1 Peter 5:2-3

I want to love and shepherd my little flock to the glory of God. I want to be a godly example to my boys - with love and patience that can only come from the Lord. Not being easily frustrated and selfish. I want to be intentional with them and mindful of them. God made me for my flock, and my little flock was made just for me.

What an honor and privilege. What a beautiful way for God to constantly remind me that it's not about me. Life isn't about me.

What a truly humbling realization.

What an incredibly gracious gift - my life is about Jesus.

Beautiful feet...

Patrick and I have the privilege of knowing quite a few people who are serving the Lord through missions - here in the states or overseas. It's such a joy to pray for them, or support them financially, as they share the gospel. The truth of the gospel changed my life forever and I don't want anyone to miss out on hearing it!

"How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed? How will they believe in Him whom they have not heard? And how will they hear without a preacher? How will they preach unless they are sent? Just as it is written, “HOW BEAUTIFUL ARE THE FEET OF THOSE WHO BRING GOOD NEWS OF GOOD THINGS!” - Romans 10:14-15

In 2003 I was able to go to Venezuela for six weeks. I can honestly say that those six weeks changed me. I left so oblivious and naive. I had no clue of the world beyond me. I was constantly striving to please others. I wasn't even sure of who I was, really. But then I went. I was out of my comfort zone. I spent a lot of time by myself. I spent a lot of time with people who didn't speak English, and we communicated {and had a lot of fun!}. I enjoyed a different culture. I talked about Jesus, in Spanish, to a lot of people. I grew, and learned and started becoming a woman.

More than all of that, though, I saw God move. I saw Him change lives because of the glory I shared and lived in. I saw Him answer prayers. I saw Him bring a group of college students together to make moves in Maracaibo. I saw God do things only God can do. And I was in awe and in love.

I never thought I would be a missionary, but I was not opposed to it {well, until I had stuff to get attached too...another struggle for another day}. When I met Patrick, we both understood missions and the importance. We have tried to make sure that even though we were not "going" we were doing as much as we could to "send". Patrick has not been on a missions trip and has always talked about going.

The church we go to is really fantastic about making missions a priority. Not just "go here and there once a year" kind of missions, but missional living to the fullest and sending groups consistently throughout the year to various places around the world to share the love of God! It's such a blessing to be apart of this vision. But it's more than a vision, friends, it's what we're called to do as believers!

With all of this said, I want to share with you that Patrick has the opportunity to go on a missions trip this summer! He's pretty excited. I can't wait for him to see God do things and change him and teach him while he's gone. Hopefully, this is the first of many trips our family can take over the years.

I tell you this now in hopes that you'll begin praying for him, for us. Patrick leaves for Wales on August 5th and will be gone until the 14th. It's a long time for him to be away and I'm a little nervous, but we know God has called him to do this. This opportunity is beyond excitement for my husband, it's a chance to "live according to calling we have received". When we talk about it I can see Patrick's joy and anticipation for this trip!

We covet your prayers.

*Please pray that God would begin working in the mission team and preparing them to go. This is a construction trip, so there will be a lot of work to do.

*Please pray that the team can get into the country with no problems, as it is opposed to sharing religion and faith.

*Pray that hearts, in Wales, would be softened to the gospel and that they wouldn't be numb to or shrug off the gospel. May apathy no longer be an options them.

*Pray that Patrick would be able to go without worry or concern for the boys and I.

*Pray that we would be able to save or find extra money to financially support this trip.

*Pray that God would move in incredible, breath taking, awe inspiring ways!

Sharing the gospel isn't something we can do alone. It's a group effort. It's praying for one another and encouraging one another. It's living a life that magnifies the name of Jesus and brings Him glory. It's partnering together to show the world that without Christ we are nothing and hopeless and lost. But with Christ, we are free and full of joy and living with a purpose and a hope for eternity.

And in praying may God move your beautiful feet, that you may be spurred on to share the good news of the good things of Jesus! I will keep you updated, for sure!

{P.S. As I was writing this, Benjamin came in and said, "what are you doing" and I said, "writing a blog about daddy's missions trip. B looked at me and said, "I go on missions trip." Sweet boy. Then he asked for fruit snacks. Toddlers.}

Being a woman in the church...

This morning Patrick had sent me a link to the desiring God blog. Certainly a place to learn and grow and be convicted. The post Patrick sent was called, "Confessions of a Conflicted Complementarian", written by Wendy Alsup. Now I know nothing about Wendy, but her post was so right on that I have to share it. {so click the link and check it out!}

I was so encouraged by her perspective, by her convictions. Basically, she talks about how women had been mislead in the church by the teaching of scripture based on the law and not the Gospel. I can absolutely relate to this! I became a Christian and started going to church when I was 16, and I've been there since. What a pivotal time to teach and encourage young women.

Instead, so often, we're taught unrealistic expectations based on scripture taken out of context or so highly pushed that we don't see the Gospel. We only see what we're doing wrong. How can women thrive and find their worth in Jesus if we're constantly told that we're not doing/being/giving/trying enough? Doesn't that take away from the gospel and lend itself to the law? It's, also, no wonder men have incredibly high and unrealistic expectations of their women for this same reason.

I, too, felt such freedom to learn and know the beauty in God's word surrounded by the blood of Jesus. What joy to know that the Proverbs 31 woman is just another woman who lived her life in godliness and isn't something I need to attain before I'm 30. My goal isn't to be life the Proverbs 31 woman, although she's really great. My goal is to be like Jesus. Whew! Thank You, Lord, for grace!

As a woman, I'm so easily deceived by what I'm "suppose" to be. I try so hard to be perfect and get it all right. I want terribly to be the best and the most and the godliest. But this all turns out so disgustingly {is that a word, even?}. I cannot, not even a tiny bit, be a godly woman without Jesus. There is no freedom, no righteousness, no joy without the risen King covering ALL of me.

I've spent so much of my life trying to be this or that, according to what I've been taught. I've tried and I've failed. Sometimes, I've succeeded. Certainly not by my own means, though. I never asked questions. I took instructions from authority with a nod of the head and off I went. But that can't be right.

As a believer, it's my job to seek truth, to find the answers, to ask questions, to stand up and find God's way. I'm so grateful that God doesn't want all of my striving and perfection. I love that He wants my brokenness and confusion and concern and my weary heart. I love even more that He uses that to make me closer to and more like my Savior.

"How marvelous, how wonderful, is my Savior's love for me!"

I don't know about you, but that is a breath of fresh air. It's a lifted weight. A profound freedom that only Christ can give. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" {Romans 8:1} The law is dead, my friends! We live by the Gospel - God's love, perfect and sinless, sent to this world to live, die and concur death for us. The blood of Jesus washes away all our sin so we can be right before God!!!

"For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." {Romans 6:14}

"But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter." {Romans 7:6}

May God open the eyes of your heart. May He refresh and encourage you. You don't need to strive for perfection, you only need to walk with Jesus! He is more than enough.

Preparing for Christmas - family worship

Most nights we sit down together after dinner and have family worship time. Benjamin usually requires a car and truck and horse be present, but we persevere! To prepare our hearts for Christmas, we started reading Luke 2 about two weeks ago. We only read two verses a night because the attention span of a 21 month old is insanely short.

Patrick reads the scripture then we explain a little more what we read to B. We use the Little People Nativity for a little extra help and entertainment. Then we sing and pray together. It's a really sweet time and I look forward to Benjamin getting into it more as he gets older.

Our friend made "hymn scrolls" for the families in our flock. We put them on the tree and each night we sing two songs. I've especially enjoyed this because we're learning "Christmas" hymns and carols that we haven't heard before. Along with the more traditional songs, we get to sing older hymns about the birth of Jesus that apparently didn't make it into mainstream Christmas music. :) I will say this - I'm so glad that my husband is musically inclined! If it were up to me all the songs I don't know would be sung to the tune of "Hark the herald angel sing"!

Here are a few pictures. This has been such a blessing to our family as we prepare our hearts to worship Jesus. And not just Jesus as a baby, but Jesus our Savior and Jesus the risen King! Christmas may be the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus, but we certainly should not forget that the sweet baby boy born on Christmas day grew up to save us and conquer sin and death! What incredible reasons to sing for joy this Christmas season!

Our Christmas day hymn by our little nativity on the tree...

A close up look...
A tree with scrolls...
I don't know if you read this, Christy, but THANKS!!!

Clean...

Today in my devotional (Jesus: The One and Only, by Beth Moore) we read Luke 17:11-19 and thought more about the 10 lepers that were healed upon walking to the priest. Of these 10 lepers, only one returned to Jesus and fell to his knees and praised Him for healing his disgusting disease.

This study (the book, as a whole) constantly brings me to my knees and sends me to the feet of Jesus. In just the last seven months, God has freed me, healed me and delivered me from so much guilt and shame. Things from my past that I let define me and hold me down. Things, sins, that I allowed to make me think I wasn't worthy, that Jesus' death couldn't possibly change me. These things are simply a distant memory that still cause me to praise Him.

Beth Moore asks the questions, "What would/does deliverance and healing look like on you? My head was spinning. Well, what does it look like on me? Here's my answer:

"Beautiful. Clean. Renewed. It's a look of a changed woman, of confidence, of freedom - in so many ways. It's a constant blanket of humility, redemption and gratitude...knowing I'm not who I once was. I'm something better - His."

As the devotional goes on, we look into the scripture. We look at what being a leper really meant. How lonely and devastating it was. How humiliating to yell, "Unclean! Unclean!", required by law, as you walked from place to place. But, as Beth Moore points out, isn't that how we live? Before Jesus we are unclean. We are dirty souls with sins so deep that only One can heal us. Just like the lepers we need someone to change our lives and Jesus was/is the One and Only who could.

I don't want to be like the other nine lepers in this story. I want to be the one who constantly turns around and runs to Jesus, falling at His feet, with tears of gratitude giving thanks to my Healer, the One who made me whole. I want my life to constantly reflect the humble gratitude of a changed life, a joyful celebration of being made new and a resounding voice of praise. He is the Only way! He is the Only One who can make you new, the Only One who can change you! Be free, be redeemed, by Jesus - the One and Only!

This is my prayer today:

"May I never, ever forget my Savior - the One and Only who could make me whole again, clean again, free again. The One who has healed and held me, who has revealed majesty upon majesty to these unworthy eyes. Thank You, Jesus. Help me to remember to never forget - constant, joyful gratitude."

Little orphans

Because of the earthquake in Haiti, there are thousands of orphans there as we speak. Not to mention the thousands there before the quake. My heart breaks for these tiny babes, curious toddlers and growing girls and boys. They don't have parents anymore. Last week, they were simply at daycare for the day and now they are orphans.

I mentioned yesterday, to Patrick, that we should look into caring for a baby from Haiti. He gave me to go-ahead and I called Bethany Christian Services in Pittsburgh to see what adopting from Haiti would look like. I filled out the preliminary inter-country form and now we wait. Earlier today I got a call from a friend who told me that Pittsburgh Department of Health Services had a waiting list to get children from Haiti that are being sent here. How incredible that babies from Haiti are being sent to Pittsburgh, PA?!?! That's an hour away from me! I called and answered some questions and now we wait, again.

This all seems to unreal. I don't even know if they'll need us, but if they do I'm ready. I don't think I've even processed all that needs processing to understand what I signed up for. We discussed adoption awhile ago, but decided recently to pursue fertility treatments again for the next baby. This is all completely unplanned and surprising to me. Plus, the timing couldn't be more off.

When it comes down to it, all I know is that God gave me a deep, deep heart for children and I'll do whatever I can to help a Haitian baby grow up knowing love, growth, nurturing and Jesus. And I know that this burden grows more intense everyday. Who knows what the future holds. I'm so glad that I know the One who does!

Join Patrick and I in praying for whatever may come of this situation. We certainly have no clue! Even if all of this burden and passion and waiting leads to a lot of prayer and more of Jesus, I know that I'll be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing - trusting my Lord.

Thinking about Mary...

Last year, preparing for Christmas was a sweet time for me. I love decorating, baking, giving, receiving, singing Christmas carols - everything about Christmas! But last year... last year was different.

My heart was in such a sweet place as the day we celebrate Christ's birth drew near. I was seven months pregnant and often imagined what Mary must have felt as she was ready to give birth. I loved how God allowed me to draw nearer to Him as my belly grew with the Christmas season.

I was pregnant enough to know that riding on a donkey must have been so uncomfortable, but was a thousand time better than walking for days and days. I was pregnant enough to know that going from house to house and inn to inn to find someplace to sleep must have been incredibly frustrating and completely exhausting. I was pregnant enough to know that sleeping in a stable would be terrible, but giving birth in there would be far worse. I was pregnant enough to know that growing babies need food and I bet food wasn't so easy to find. I was pregnant enough and amazed enough to know that the baby growing in my womb was a miracle. I can't imagine what Mary must have felt! I was pregnant enough to feel my baby move and stretch. I could feel his little feet on my hands and his hiccups throughout my body. I bet Mary treasured those things in her heart, too.

I often consider Mary's humility, her desire to serve and please God and her godly attitude. We don't know much about her, but I don't imagine her complaining too much as she carried the Child of God. I'm so thankful for her example. I found myself playing "Mary Did You Know" over and over in my head and constantly wondering "did she know"?!

This year, as I prepare for Christmas, I will be decorating and baking and shopping and singing with a sweet baby boy attached to me. A baby who hates when I leave the room and loves when I make faces and sing to him. A baby who will babble all day with me. A baby who reminds me of my sin and brings me to my knees without even knowing. A baby who brings me joy that I didn't know possible and a love that overwhelms me. A baby who can't say much, but always says just what I need to hear.

This year, I look past the discomfort and excitement of pregnancy. I can certainly still relate to where Mary was on her journey, with pregnancy and to that inn. But as Christmas draws near and I celebrate what this holiday is really about, I remember the joy of labor and bringing a child into this world by God's grace and strength. I'll remember holding my baby boy and instantly falling in love. I'll remember looking into my baby's eyes and seeing the kindness of God. This year, I can relate with Mary on a whole new level - a place where only a mom could go and a mom's heart could know. A place of sacrifice, humility and selflessness. A place where only God can meet your needs and fill you up to keep going.

Thank You, Father, for choosing Mary and for allowing us to relate to her and see her example. Thank You, God, for Jesus - a sweet baby boy, who came to live and die and rise again! Remind us of YOU all season long!

Here are the lyrics to Mary Did You Know. They always humble me and cause me to praise God. This year, thinking of Mary kissing her baby boy and rocking him to sleep gives me chills. Knowing she was holding her Savior, the Son of God - that just brings tears to my eyes.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am

What I want for Christmas...

This year, Compassion International is doing a campaign to get the word out about sponsoring children all around the world who need help! It breaks my heart to know that there are kids, millions of them, who don't have food or water or adequate care.

Patrick and I sponsor two incredibly cute children - one from Kenya and one from Guatemala. It's been so wonderful praying for them, getting letters from them and watching them grow! I look forward to sharing with Benjamin the blessing of caring for others and sharing God's love through our lives. What a humbling opportunity to learn what these children go through and be the hands and feet of Christ by helping them live a better life.

The What I want for Christmas campaign is so easy to get involved with! Check out the site and sign up! Compassion will send you a packet with a child's information. You duty is to pray diligently and spread the word however possible so that your Christmas Child will be sponsored before the new year. They send you a calendar to put on your refrigerator with specific things you can pray for each day. Plus, packets of information (with a picture!) you can give on your child!

Our "Christmas Child" is Nikuze Josianne. She lives in Rwanda and she is six years old. There are six children in her family! Thousands of children in Rwanda "face a harsh, daily struggle for survival. Many children go for days with little food, or have little access to safe drinking water. They are often sheltering in unhygienic conditions where disease, violence and abuse overshadow their lives..." (from Nikuze's information sheet).

So, I'm doing my part! I'm praying for Nikuze, for her family, for her life, for her heart and for her to be sponsored before January 1, 2010. What a difference it would make in her life! It's $38.00 per month, which may not sound like a lot, but it will change her life forever! If you want more information on how to sponsor Nikuze, leave a comment or email me at themcbrides2 at gmail dot com.

If you would like to join in praying for a sweet child that needs help, please check out the Christmas Child website! I can't wait to tell you that Nikuze has a sponsor!

Patience

I've been studying patience for a week or so now and it's kicking my butt. I am not always a patient person and have noticed that since having a baby, I've become even more impatient. I'm certain that has A LOT to do with the fact that I'm no longer calling all the shots on my schedule :)

When I looked up the definition of patience I was somewhat surprised to see "intolerance" as a synonym. As I compared my impatient thoughts, words and actions with intolerance, I became sad and disappointed in myself. To think that I don't tolerate my husband or child makes me want to cry! To consider that helping others, serving others or being selfless can be intolerable to me shows that my priorities are not straight and I'm making myself an idol.

As I considered my actions more I found that when I'm impatient, or intolerant, I'm more selfish. I complain more. I have a more negative attitude. I speak more quickly and less wisely. I don't consider the consequences of my actions. All of this from letting myself be the center and for neglecting to go to the Lord in all things and for all things. The more I thought about who I am and how I was acting made me so sad to know that people watch me. People know I love Jesus. I don't want to paint a bad picture of the incredible beauty, freedom and joy of the gospel. More so, I don't want my son to grow up seeing my impatience, my intolerance and think it's okay.

I read through my Bible for encouragement, for guidance, for help. I don't want to be impatient. I don't want to consider myself above all other things. I don't want to be an idol. I must remember that it's not about me. My job, my responsibility, my privilege is to honor and glorify God in all I say or do or think. My friends, I confess to you that I have not been living that way and have allowed myself to get in the way of knowing God more intimately and seeking Him more passionately and walking with Him more deeply.

As I grow in patience. I look forward to being more tolerant. I am excited to complain less and see things my positively. In fact, I can see how just a week deep in the word and prayer changes things SO drastically. What a beautiful God we serve. One Who is willing to lead me through the wilderness, catch me when I'm falling, save me from death and destruction. I hope and pray that I will not forget Who my God is and love Him with all I have and all I am. Out of that love, I desire to bring glory to Him as I follow His word. He is more than worthy of that.

Faithful women

I just finished reading the book "Faithful Women and Their Extraordinary God" by Noel Piper. Patrick bought the book for me several months ago and I just sat down to read it. It only took a few days to read and that includes going back to a few things and re-reading before I felt like I could move on. If you're interested in biographies or just a great read about women who have paved a path of faith for us, read this book!

What an encouraging book! Not only were there stories of five faithful women, Noel Piper always wrote about things the women challenged her to think or question. After I finished reading about each woman, I would just sit there with a humbled heart. I want faith like these women had!

I only knew of one woman she wrote about, Sarah Edwards. Although her story was more familiar I was still moved by the life and faith of Mrs. Edwards. However, I have to say that her story wasn't the one that moved me most. I was blown away by each woman, but the stories of Gladys Aylward and Esther Ahn Kim were most powerful to me. Their lives, the paths they were willing to walk for the Lord, the faith they sought after and the way the desired to know God and make Him known seriously left me speechless and amazed.

At one point in the last of the stort biographies Noel quoted Helen Rosaveare, "From that morning, a hatred of sin was born. Till then I had hated the consequence of sin, the shame of failure, the fear of exposure...Suddenly I now knew an intense hatred of all that had crucified my Lord..." I was so blown away by her revelation. I certainly don't hate sin like that! Those words surely showed me how I wanted to change, how I wanted to know the Lord and how I wanted to sincerely hate sin and truly love God.

The joy each of these women knew was beyond words. Each story is so different. The real lives of women, ordinary to most, but faithful to God. This book really challenged me to know God more, to find that joy in Him, to be willing to follow His voice - no matter where or to what He calls me. After reading about these women I'm certain that's why they knew the Lord, why they knew joy - they were walking with Him in such an intimate way that they were certain of the calling they had recieved and they willingly walked hand and hand with the Lord through it all.

Natural and Necessary...

I read this today in an article by John Piper. His honesty and passion for Jesus always humble me.

"Loving Jesus is natural and necessary for the children of God. It’s natural because it’s part of our nature as children of God. “If God were your Father, you would love me, for I came from God” (John 8:42). The children of God have the natural disposition to love his Son.

Loving Jesus is also necessary because Paul says that if you don’t love Jesus, you will be cursed: “If anyone has no love for the Lord, let him be accursed” (1 Corinthians 16:22). Loving Jesus is an essential (not optional) mark of being a beneficiary of God’s grace. “Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible” (Ephesians 6:24). If you hold fast to the love of anything above Jesus, you are not his disciple: “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37).

Loving Jesus is not the same as obeying all of Jesus’ commands. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15). That means that obedience to the commandments is the result of loving Jesus, not the same as loving Jesus. Love is something invisible and inside. It is the root that produces the visible fruit of loving others."

That's the thing that convicted me most: Love and obedience are NOT the same thing. There are so many people "obeying" the commandments of Jesus that truly do not love Him. Whatever the reason, I think that I can do this thing and walk this way and talk this way and then it means that I love Jesus. How deceived am I?! My love for Jesus should overflow into obedience not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to.

When I consider my natural state: deprived, lonely, hopeless, helpless, sinful. And then think about Jesus' sacrifice to make me whole, complete, redeemed, hopeful, eternal - well then, I just can't find words to express my sadness and conviction.

I want to be so in love with Jesus that my life scream I LOVE JESUS CHRIST! And, my friends, I really do love Him. I love Jesus Christ. Honestly, I'm not sure if I consider my love for Jesus as natural and necessary on a daily basis. Sure, I know that this love is natural - otherwise I might consider myself insane for some of the choices and decisions I've made, knowing they were from the Lord. I know I am a child of God, it's natural for me to love the Son of God. Necessary, though. How often do I live that out? How often do I consider that without my love for Jesus - a growing, engaging, powerful love - I may just fade away?

*To see the whole article, you can go here:
http://www.desiringgod.org/12all/index.php?action=archive&mode=view&mi=365&nl=1&ei=themcbrides2@gmail.com

Just 15 minutes...

The last year or so has been pretty hard for me spiritually. I've had ups and downs and have always found myself in front of the Lord. However, there is no consistency. There's no pressing need in the fore front of my heart to sit down and daily spend time in the Word.

I must say, though, that I'm a firm believer in NOT going to the Word out of guilt. I played that game for quite some time and it's not healthy. Going to the Lord with guilt is not reflecting the grace you've been given. It's an attitude of works. And my friends, we are saved by grace through faith!

I thought for sure that this season of my life would find me, daily, at the feet of Jesus for hours on end. I was certain that I would not know what to do with myself except pray and read my bible. Maybe my expectations were a little unrealistic :) I have been on my knees quite often and I've enjoyed learning, studying and reading God's Word - but I lack something so pivotal in my relationship with the Lord: motivation.

I was reading last week on the GirlTalk blog about something John Piper said in his book, "When I Don't Desire God". He suggests making a goal of reading the bible for 15 minutes each day. It's not too hefty of a goal, and it's better than no goal at all! I figured, even with a new baby in tow, certainly there will be a few days a week that I can read for 15 minutes. The goal will be even more attainable, I think, if I can grab a hold of that daily practice NOW!

So with this goal in mind, I started last week with daily 15 minute readings. I did really good for two days, then I forgot for two days (I'm not sure how...) and then I remembered again for a day, skipped a day, read again and here we are at today. Lucky for me, I didn't make a specfic time of day to do this (although you can get more info on the 5am club at the GT blog. I'm not ready for this comittment yet). What's my problem? Laziness. Selfishness. Idolatry. I could go on, but we get the point. I'm so unaware of my sin, on a daily basis, that I let it crawl all over me. Then I kick myself for not readying or for completely forgetting to pray for that person or for wanting to say something, but wimping out.

Tomorrow is a new day. I recognize the freedom we have in Christ, but I don't want to take it for granted. I miss the times in my life where Jesus is all I wanted and I could spend hours in the Word. I miss that passion and love and desire for more of Him. So, I will strive to spend 15 minutes, everyday, with my Savior. I will make an effort to put aside my tiredness, my computer, that great TV show or some random recipe that really doesn't need to be made right now.

I don't want to get back to where I was. I want to come into a new place, a new season with more insight, more maturity, more depth. Isn't that what this journey is all about? Growing, changing, knowing God more and bringing glory to Him.