Meaningful Monday...

Today I read this quote from a very dear friend...
"...this is how you must approach marriage -- asking yourself how you can be a "load lifter" and a "burden lightener" instead of a needy woman looking to be served, coddled, and made content by her man." (The Resolution for Women) 


Now, I've not read this book nor do I know anything about it.  But the words "load lifter" and "burden lightener" hit my heart so deeply!  Being selfish and self-righteous and proud and self indulgent and full of unrealistic expectations and entitlement rages war deep in my soul.  These are things I spend my days repenting from.  These are the things that creep in when I'm not in the Word.  These are the things that consume my head and heart.  These things make me sick to my stomach because I want to be the exact opposite of them.


Whew.  Now, with all of that said, this season of life is proving to allow me ample opportunities to be a "load lifter" and "burden lightener" to my husband! And let me be the first to tell you -- I'm not very good at these things! Patrick is currently working a full-time job and leaves the house at 6 am each {weekday} morning.  He is leading and teaching a FLOCK {small group/bible study} through our church.  He is taking seminary classes.  He is being a husband.  And a father.  And a friend.  Plus, my man has big plans around our house that he works on a lot.  And he needs to get out and be refreshed, too!!!


To say that his life is full right now is an understatement, but it's not more than he {we} can handle.  These are all things that have been prayed over and we have sought wisdom from dear friends and we have chosen {or have been chosen, rather} these things, for this season, because we feel it is absolutely where God wants us to be.  And while Patrick is working and learning and teaching and being -- I need to be at the feet of Jesus, seeking a servant-like attitude that brings glory to our God.


I don't want to make things harder or more burdensome on Patrick, although I know I do.  I want to be able to round up the boys and care for them all day and all night when he needs that extra time.  I want to be able to make his lunches and have dinners ready and give baths and take the boys out and encourage him and read papers and support him when he works late or needs every free moment to study.  And I don't want to do these things to be a super-woman or because it's "really sweet of me".  I want to serve my husband like this because I'm called to do so and because God didn't just call Patrick to this season of life.  I've been called right beside him -- to learn what I need to learn, to be humbled, to be sanctified and to learn the beauty and honor of lifting loads and lightening burdens when necessary.


I often tell Patrick that the "hard" things he endures {read: chronic vertigo, seminary, missions trips, leading flock} are not for him as much as they are for me.  I think I'm doing really awesome at being an awesome wife and then vertigo relapses and I cry myself to sleep because I have no reprieve from disciplining and whining and cooking dinner and being a wife/mom/homemaker.  


Woe is me! {wink wink. being sassy here}


My life is not hard.  Not infertility.  Not having two rambunctious boys {I would have it no other way!}.  Not being without family. Not a busy schedule. Not sickness. Not long days.  Not tiredness and weariness.   My life is full and joyful and just as God intended.  If I think it's "hard", that is my own struggle of discontentment and a lack of godly perspective. 


My mind gets all crazy when I think I deserve a break or a treat or something and I don't get it because no one can read my mind or give me any kind of rational thinking before I've gone too far.  There is no reason for me to think I must be {should be, will be} coddled and served and made content by my beloved.  This is not his role, friends.  This is God's role and He loves it and does it well.  Patrick has been blessed, by God, with a role to love me and care for me and protect me.  And he does that well.  And if Patrick does serve me and love me and care for me -- praise God.  And if he doesn't, that simply does not change my role as a his wife. {pause to praise God for an incredible husband....amen.} My satifaction is found in Jesus.  My strength and rest and peace and joy are found in my God, the Creator of the heavens and the earth!!!  And I'm grateful that God saw it fit to bless me with a husband who loves Him and wants to bring Him glory in our marriage by loving me.


All of this to say: my days are more meaningful when I'm putting myself last and when I'm doing what I've been called to do.  And right now I'm called to mother and teach and serve and love two little boys.  And forever I'm called to walk with my husband, to be a "load lifter" and a "burden lightener".  I pray God's abundant grace will constantly fall on me in this way -- to fulfill this ministry to my love.  And know this, I absolutely, never, ever could ever do it on my own.  


It's by Him, for Him and because of Him.


Amen and Amen.


How are you lifting loads and lightening burdens right now?

Meaningful Monday...

It's late in the nap time hours. I don't really know how much time I have left to listen to silence. I'm sitting here, with cheerios in a kiddie snack cup, trying to rev up for the afternoon.  I {accidently} had too much coffee this morning and now I'm hoping I don't crash too hard because Patrick is working a little later this evening and I need to be mentally prepared to handle my sweet boys -- come what may.

But today has been different than most days.

After what seems like years of constant disobedience and discipline, speaking the truth in love -- and honestly, sometimes just speaking {not in love} -- correction and teaching and tears, my boys have been so sweet today.  Andrew hasn't been as clingy or so offended by his big brothers actions.  Benjamin has obeyed and listened and has been tender and kind.

Today I have heard a lot of "may I" and "okay mom" and "you're awesome" and "thank you so much for...".  I'm beyond blessed by these things.  Although they may seem little, these little years offer little surprises that give you a little glimpse and a little hope into the days to come.

Days like this are necessary.  God knows that and by His kindness allows them -- whenever He sees fit.  I'm SO grateful that He saw it fit today!

If we don't have obedient and kind days -- where discipline seems few and far between and joy abounds more than tears -- how will I know we are progressing?  How will I know that I'm doing anything right? How will I know that there is hope for kind and obedient and joyful children?  How will I know that this is just a season of training and growing and learning?

These tiny years, when they are little but want to be so big, they go by so quickly and I don't want to wish them away or look back in regret.  These are MY years for them.  God has given me these days and months and years to love them and train them in the way they should go.  I've been given these days to grow with my boys and to give them what they need to be the best little people they can be. And hopefully, that will allow them to be really great big people!  Despite my sin, and theirs, these days are fruitful and beautiful and hard and exhausting.  But full of joy and blessings galore.

This Monday is so good.  And I don't expect any day to be good.  But God is kind and knows me and Benjamin and Andrew so intimately.  A good day was just what we needed.

But let's be honest, even on disobedient days, it's still a good day!

Meaningful Monday.

Did you miss my meaningful Monday posts? Oh, you didn't even realize I missed about a month of Mondays?  That's okay -- we'll start afresh. ;)

We sang this song a couple of weeks ago at church and I couldn't stop the tears.  These words are so meaningful to me!

"I come broken to be mended.
I come wounded to be healed.
I come desperate to be rescued.
I come empty to be filled.

I come guilty to be pardoned
by the blood of Christ, the Lamb.
And I'm welcomed with open arms,
praise God, just as I am.

Just as I am I would be lost,
but mercy and grace my freedom bought.
And now to glory in Your cross,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come."

Do you ever feel so grateful that you just can't contain it?  God's mercy, His redemption plan, His forgiveness, my sanctification, His glory -- I just can't help but praise Him.  I'm so glad that He has revealed Himself to me so vibrantly lately.  

I'm so grateful for my struggles and my tears.  

Those things have lead me to the foot of the cross in powerful ways.

I'm grateful for my blessings too, don't get me wrong.  

They are beyond plentiful and undeserved. 

I love God's plan.  

Even if it means sorrow and tears and something different that what I planned.  

I love His sovereignty!

Here I am -- broken, but God is mending me.  Wounded, but healed by Him. Desperate, but rescued by the mercy of God Almighty.  Empty, but filled -- overflowing even!  Guilty, but pardoned by the blood of Christ.  

He holds me.  He carries me.  He loves me.  

He never grows weary or tired in trials, in hard days.  

He sustains me and pours into me all I need.  

Just as I am.  

No need to change or work on anything.  

He does that in His time. 

There is no need for perfection, because only He is perfect.  

There is no need for endless "works" and fulfilling the "law".

Jesus' death gave me freedom and grace.  

God isn't about anything other than bringing me to Himself -- just as I am -- for His glory. 

Praise God I can come, just as I am.

And so can you.

Meaningful Monday...

Note: Did you like my previous post? That was from Benjamin, who blogged from my phone -- somehow.  Crazy {and way to smart for his own good} kid!

It's Monday.  Sorry I've been absent from writing about meaningful things for a few weeks.  We've had grandma's in town, and it's been nice to have extra hands.  Now we are back to "normal".  Our schedules can resume and we can do things as we usually do.  But I do love having extra hands around!  It's not often that I have help and it's truly a blessing and a beautiful thing.

I will honestly tell you that writing something meaningful will be difficult today.  I seem to have a lot processing going on in my mind.  And my heart is somewhat achy.  I've been praying hard for miracles around here.  I've been disciplining and correcting.  I've been singing and crying.  I've been laughing and talking.  I've been thinking and planning -- despite knowing that is usually not good for me.

My baby boy will be one on Thursday.  One year.  Where did that go? Have I blessed him, loved him, cherished him enough?

My big boy has a buzz cut, to look like daddy, and that makes him look so grown up.  How is he already three and ready for pre-school?  Does he feel special and card for and as wonderful as he really is?

My heart desires another baby, but I know it isn't that easy.  And as we take steps to help that happen, it's so hard to handle somedays.  Like today.  I just can't handle Clomid again right now.  We tried that last month, and it didn't work.  My heart can't take all that awful medicine and heartache and crazy moods over and over again.  It takes so much out of me, even though I know the end result is so good.  I am just going to pray for God to be bigger than medicine and work a miracle in my body {again! I won't stop!}.

The Lord has revealed to me more pride in my heart.  He has shown me how "entitled" I think I am. And after a few days of living with this realization and observing myself -- it makes me sick to my stomach!  Who do I think I am?  Why would I think I deserve anything or need the best?  When did I become so full of myself that the rest of the world didn't seem to matter?  Either way, I'm praying fervently for this idol to be cast away so I can humbly live the rest of my life -- whatever that looks like.

And all this jumbled mess of thoughts, just to remember this:  God is for me, not against me.  I am more than a conquer through Christ.  I cannot be separated from the love of Christ. Any suffering I endure is worth it and not comparable to the glory that will be revealed to me.  The Spirit helps me in my weakness.  When I live according to the Spirit, my mind will be set on the Spirit.  I know that there is power and beauty and freedom and righteousness in the cross, through Christ. And more so, I know that ALL things work together for good and God's glory. {see Romans 8} I firmly and confidently believe all of these words are truth and will walk contently in the power of the cross!

I love how the Lord brings us to our knees and gives us the opportunity to cling to Him.  And I believe -- without a shadow of doubt -- that every single thing going on in my life is good.  It may be hard.  I may cry.  I may rejoice.  I may be exhausted.  But I have hope.  And peace. And abounding grace.  All things are working together for God's glory right now -- and I'm so grateful that He would chose to work in and around and through me.

See, I suppose all of this is meaningful.

How is your Monday meaningful?

Meaningful Monday...

Monday. {insert deep sigh}

I usually don't mind Mondays.  

Now, Thursdays -- they can get to me, but Monday's are pretty routine and fun for us.  The Y, grocery store, errands, playing. 

Today we just helped a friend for a bit.  And came home. 

Oh, and I've been awake since 3 am.

Sweet Andrew didn't sleep well.  He finally went back to sleep around 6.

B woke up at 6:20.

Want to know what I did with my 20 minutes?

I read my bible.

And I cried.  

But that's because I don't function too well when I wake up at 3am.

But God's Word is so good, friends.  Whatever you're doing.  Whatever you're going through.  That's your answer: Truth.

"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;

the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;

the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes;

the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than, gold even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.

Moreover, by them is your servant warned;

in keeping them there is great reward."

*Psalm 19:7-11

David wasn't talking about legalism here.  

He was talking about loving the Word of God because it's perfect and sure and right and pure and clean and true.  It's holy and beautiful and always the best place for us to find encouragement and joy and peace and Jesus.

It makes me think of Psalm 63:1 --

"O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You;

my soul thirsts for You;

my flesh faints for You,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

Yes! I long to earnestly seek him, for my soul to thirst for Him.  I want to long for the Lord like I do when I'm running in the afternoon and it's 90 degrees and all I want is shade and water and rest.  I want everyday to feel like that so my heart faints for more of the Lord.

I'm so grateful for God's Word this morning as I am so tired and utterly helpless without the strength of my God.  I'm grateful for His grace -- that I've received by the blood of Christ -- and that I can extend toward my babies.  I'm grateful for forgiveness, from the Lord and from my boys as I loose my patience and temper with them.  I'm grateful for His patience because I have none today.

Basically, I'm grateful for the Lord.  I don't think my words could ever speak the magnitude of emotions in my heart toward Him.  

And days like today are so hard and so wonderful because they keep me humble and at the feet of Jesus.  That's where I desire to reside -- always.  

How is YOUR Monday meaningful?

Meaningful Monday

God has recently revealed to me how much of an idol having children is to me. I honestly don't know the root of this issue, but I do know that there is so much of me that takes the idea of having more children to an obsessive place.  

This was such a strong struggle for me.  I had to wrestle with the Lord pretty intensely through this.  After about a week of crossing my arms and refusing to surrender, I was exhausted.  I was tired of crying and wanting what I wanted.  I was tired of living in my kingdom, and not seeking to live in God's kingdom.

So I gave it to Him.  I gave back the desire for children.  I allowed Him to mold me and change me and grow me.  And finally, after so many tears and reading so many verses, I rested in His sovereignty.  I recognized how sweet He was so allow me to have TWO amazing boys.  I rejoiced in the blessing of these healthy, strong, beautiful babies.  And then I released the burden of wanting more -- for myself, to be known, to be something -- and thanked God for two children.

If two is all He wants me to have, then two I will enjoy and embrace.  They are not mine anyways.  And more than that -- Children are not what define me, or satisfy me.  I am not any more worthy or holy or stronger if I keep having babies.

He is enough.

 Two kids is enough because God is enough.  He is my satisfaction.  He is my joy.  He defines me.  And I will move on with that hope, that confidence and that truth.

My burden, my sin, my idols -- they are heavy.  But God's burden is easy and His yoke is light.  I know that full well, friends.  Wresting with God in the wilderness of my journey may be one of the most difficult things to do as I'm learning more and more to die to myself and live for Him.  But I want it more and more each time I wrestle and seek His face. 

These boys! I love them!

Easter 2012

Typical.

 I'm not sure it gets better than this, friends!

And you want to know something?  You never wrestle with God and lose!  Not only did I grow and change and know the Lord more, but He allowed me to have such a pure desire for more children.  If we have more, wonderful!  If we don't, I'm more than satisfied in Him and His perfect gifts.