A very wise friend told me a few weeks ago that learning to lament is a biblical and a natural response to suffering and grief. Lament means to express deep grief. In fact, one meaning says that it's a "passionate expression of grief or sorrow." I don't think we allow ourselves this emotion. I believe society has grown to tell us that we need to be cheerful and we need to get over things and we need to move on quickly.
And I couldn't disagree more.
While death isn't a sting for the one who leaves this earth, the ripple effect of pain they leave behind cannot be denied. Death hurts and pinches and pulls your heart in ways that you aren't sure are real. The prick of death comes about even in the happiest of days. A trigger tears and emotional can happen without any warning or sense. Grief is such a mystery, but it's also one of the most real things we deal with on this earth.
Life begins, with cries of joy and tears of fresh breaths and baby snuggles. Life goes on and each day is, quite simply, a beautiful gift. Each breath is a work of God moving around each of us without thought. Then, as the circle closes, death approaches and it is finished. Life ends with cries of goodbye and pain, tears run warm down cheeks of loneliness and loss. The curse of sin left us with this pain, yet we have the hope of Christ to renew our hearts.
Losing my mom has been quite painful. Her death has marked me in ways that I am not sure I can articulate. Even now, two months after her death, I still feel like I'm in an awful dream and that I'll be able to call her whenever I want. But this isn't the case. It's been two months and one week since I've been able to talk to her on the phone and ask her how she's feeling, how her pain is, how her heart is. It's been longer than that since I've asked her how to make cookies, what I was like as a three year old or tell her all about what the kids are doing. I didn't just lose my mom as she took her last breath, I lost my last parent, my biggest life-long cheerleader, my children's Gramma, my dear friend, and the loss of my childhood questions that I'll never know the answers to.
While death steals from us things we never want taken away, God restores and renews. Even though it may take months or years, we slowly become what He has planned for us to be -- more like Him. We gain more of His comfort because we know loss. We gain more of His sight because what is seen is temporal and what is unseen is eternal. We gain new perspectives as we are changed people with each passing trial and each lonely trench. We gain life experiences and words of wisdom to care for those walking a similar path that we have already endured. We gain great humility as we see that we are finite and sinful and truly wretched people without the beauty of Christ in us. There is great gain in suffering, if only we can lift ours eyes even for a second to see the One who is holding us and pursuing us and pouring into us.
The same friend I mentioned earlier reminded me that on the other side of pain there is a great testimony and a beautiful joy that comes from suffering, if we learn to lament and sit at the feet of Christ while we mourn and heal. When we cry out to the Lord with great pain, with heart aches that overwhelm; when we are able to sit silently before the Lord, with questions and confusion and sadness that only death can bring; when we are able to accept His presence as the safest place, acknowledge His position as the Most High and Sovereign, and appreciate His love, grace and healing that comes from suffering. This is lamenting.
And then, you rise. Lamenting ceases, although the pain never really goes away. And from this season of quiet and rest and tears, come joy. You reap a deeper understanding of the Almighty God. You walk in confidence with the One who knows all things. And you praise Him, you give and pour out and tell all about Who He is and what He has done. Because at the end of it all, you'll have Him more and more. What a beautiful reward for such a wretched season.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Motherhood is a sacrifice...
Never in my life have I felt as spent and overwhelmed as I do right now. Three kids was our hardest adjustment, but four kids has challenged the deepest love of self I cling to and has caused me to throw my hands up.
Just imagine me waving a white flag. And drinking a lot of coffee.
Left hand, coffee. Right hand, flag of surrender.
And prayer. I can.not stop praying for my children.
But this surrender isn't just because there are a lot of small people in my home and under my care. This surrender started way before I ever held my sweet Benjamin. Because whether we recognize it or not -- deciding to have a child is the beginning of {so, so slowly} letting go of self love.
When I saw Benjamin for the first time, my heart melted and I gave up some of me. His first year was H.A.R.D because, well, I couldn't wrap my mind around simply putting his needs first all the time. Andrew came and I melted again and gave up more of myself. Two small people is hard work! And then you realize that it's okay to love your people so much that you do more for them and less for you.
By the time we wrestled through so many rounds of Clomid, being pregnant with Elise was a gift after months of struggle and surrender. When I saw her, I melted and gave up more of myself. This time night time feedings weren't awful, I enjoyed them. Day time snuggles were not hard to hold on to. But three babies is a lot of babies. Going from two hands, two children to THREE children and having no idea how to manage and survive, that's tricky. It threw me for a loop.
Here I am with Caleb. This sweet little miracle that has seen me through a very trying year of sanctification. I went through so many emotions when I found out we were pregnant again. And I was so upset to "lose myself", to "give up my body" again. I worked through things slowly as we approached his arrival. Then he came out and was in my arms and the world could have stopped and I wouldn't have known. He was this treasure that I just could never have imagined would be ours. I melted again. But this time I just couldn't think about myself. {I mean, I do and I am mindful to be alone and take naps and go for a run.} There, in my arms, was this tiny baby that needed me. And running around my feet were three other children who needed me. And I have a husband who needs me. This is my life, my joy...my calling.
Night time feedings are part of tiny babies and end so quickly, so I treasure that time to quietly pray and feed my baby. Day time snuggles are never a burden and allow me to rest and give attention to the other children by reading or talking. It's just that everything goes by so fast -- if I don't surrender now, I'll regret not giving up more of myself to know these small people that have been entrusted to me!
Little did I know, though, the surrender I would walk through over the next several weeks. It's funny how the Lord kindly and tenderly prepares you for things.
As we found out about Caleb's craniosynostosis, I was brought abruptly to the realization of ideals and expectations I didn't know I had. My so-called "American dream life", if you will. In the span of two weeks my baby had a birth defect and needed skull surgery, my toddler threw tantrums every day and exerted her strong willed nature so forcefully I was brought to tears, my four year old wasn't doing well in preK and we had to move him back to preschool, and my six year old was struggling in first grade, with things we thought he knew.
Humbled. To the max.
My little dreams of a perfect family were brought to the light and I'm here to tell you this: perfection is fake and always, always a very awful place to dwell.
So I wave my white flag. Not because of tiny babies. But because we have no hope in perfection. It's a false security. *waving white flag*
Little by little, I have had to "give up myself"...
---I cancelled my Y membership because I can't use it right now, or for the next three months. And that costs money that we could be putting somewhere better in our budget. The one thing that was mine, that kept me mentally sane. But you know what happened, after I cried, I saw sin. My hope and mental sanity isn't in working out, although it is nice to have!, it's in Christ. He's my anchor.
---I committed to donating blood for Caleb's blood transfusion. I realize that's really not a big deal, but I truly hate needles and being stuck with them. And usually I don't handle a lot of blood being taken from my body well. But the Lord, He sustains me.
---I realized that there are days that I simply cannot make it to school to pick up my child on time. I've had to call friends to help. It's more wise to let the small people sleep, or to take care of a nursing baby than to be the mom always on time, with a snack in hand, to pick up my child at the sacrifice of my other children. But God has provided so many friends that go to the same school and I can easily call upon them for extra hands.
---I realized that I simply cannot handle all of my children at important doctors appointments. So I have to call and ask friends to watch Andrew and Elise {and sometimes just Elise}. I can't mentally handle asking questions and holding a conversation while keeping three children calm and still. And that's okay. They are children. And I'm not supermom. But God has provided the sweetest friends who are like family to us that love my children and care for them so well.
---We have gotten so many meals. Like, more than we deserved. I'm usually the one to offer meals, but this time we have taken over and over. And it was the most helpful thing ever. The week of all of Caleb's appointments, I cooked twice! People just kept calling with meals to drop off. And I cried at the way God met those needs. We needed to eat, and I didn't have the ability to function well enough to plan dinner.
Over the last few weeks I have noticed this: whether in good times or bad times, the most beautiful reflection of motherhood is being deep in the trenches -- spending and being spent -- for the souls and lives of your children. There are some seasons full of tears and sacrifice. There are some seasons of laughter and joy. But every season should be covered in pleading prayers and daily surrender - of your children and yourself.
"I will most gladly spend AND be spent for your souls..." 2 Corinthians 12:15 {emphasis mine}
Now more than ever I know that my children are not mine. They are incredible gifts from the Lord and they are His. He chose me to love them and care for them and guide them -- but they are His and He created them just as they should be. They are His creation, my earthly treasures.
Right now, friends, I'm spending and being spent in ways that I never knew were possible. Perhaps that I never knew I could be. Surrendering myself so that I can most gladly and fully care for my children. But I will do it most gladly so that my children see Jesus, feel loved and know hope in Christ. And I do it whole heartedly so that God may be glorified in my sacrifice of motherhood.
Just imagine me waving a white flag. And drinking a lot of coffee.
Left hand, coffee. Right hand, flag of surrender.
And prayer. I can.not stop praying for my children.
But this surrender isn't just because there are a lot of small people in my home and under my care. This surrender started way before I ever held my sweet Benjamin. Because whether we recognize it or not -- deciding to have a child is the beginning of {so, so slowly} letting go of self love.
When I saw Benjamin for the first time, my heart melted and I gave up some of me. His first year was H.A.R.D because, well, I couldn't wrap my mind around simply putting his needs first all the time. Andrew came and I melted again and gave up more of myself. Two small people is hard work! And then you realize that it's okay to love your people so much that you do more for them and less for you.
By the time we wrestled through so many rounds of Clomid, being pregnant with Elise was a gift after months of struggle and surrender. When I saw her, I melted and gave up more of myself. This time night time feedings weren't awful, I enjoyed them. Day time snuggles were not hard to hold on to. But three babies is a lot of babies. Going from two hands, two children to THREE children and having no idea how to manage and survive, that's tricky. It threw me for a loop.
Here I am with Caleb. This sweet little miracle that has seen me through a very trying year of sanctification. I went through so many emotions when I found out we were pregnant again. And I was so upset to "lose myself", to "give up my body" again. I worked through things slowly as we approached his arrival. Then he came out and was in my arms and the world could have stopped and I wouldn't have known. He was this treasure that I just could never have imagined would be ours. I melted again. But this time I just couldn't think about myself. {I mean, I do and I am mindful to be alone and take naps and go for a run.} There, in my arms, was this tiny baby that needed me. And running around my feet were three other children who needed me. And I have a husband who needs me. This is my life, my joy...my calling.
Night time feedings are part of tiny babies and end so quickly, so I treasure that time to quietly pray and feed my baby. Day time snuggles are never a burden and allow me to rest and give attention to the other children by reading or talking. It's just that everything goes by so fast -- if I don't surrender now, I'll regret not giving up more of myself to know these small people that have been entrusted to me!
Little did I know, though, the surrender I would walk through over the next several weeks. It's funny how the Lord kindly and tenderly prepares you for things.
As we found out about Caleb's craniosynostosis, I was brought abruptly to the realization of ideals and expectations I didn't know I had. My so-called "American dream life", if you will. In the span of two weeks my baby had a birth defect and needed skull surgery, my toddler threw tantrums every day and exerted her strong willed nature so forcefully I was brought to tears, my four year old wasn't doing well in preK and we had to move him back to preschool, and my six year old was struggling in first grade, with things we thought he knew.
Humbled. To the max.
My little dreams of a perfect family were brought to the light and I'm here to tell you this: perfection is fake and always, always a very awful place to dwell.
So I wave my white flag. Not because of tiny babies. But because we have no hope in perfection. It's a false security. *waving white flag*
Little by little, I have had to "give up myself"...
---I cancelled my Y membership because I can't use it right now, or for the next three months. And that costs money that we could be putting somewhere better in our budget. The one thing that was mine, that kept me mentally sane. But you know what happened, after I cried, I saw sin. My hope and mental sanity isn't in working out, although it is nice to have!, it's in Christ. He's my anchor.
---I committed to donating blood for Caleb's blood transfusion. I realize that's really not a big deal, but I truly hate needles and being stuck with them. And usually I don't handle a lot of blood being taken from my body well. But the Lord, He sustains me.
---I realized that there are days that I simply cannot make it to school to pick up my child on time. I've had to call friends to help. It's more wise to let the small people sleep, or to take care of a nursing baby than to be the mom always on time, with a snack in hand, to pick up my child at the sacrifice of my other children. But God has provided so many friends that go to the same school and I can easily call upon them for extra hands.
---I realized that I simply cannot handle all of my children at important doctors appointments. So I have to call and ask friends to watch Andrew and Elise {and sometimes just Elise}. I can't mentally handle asking questions and holding a conversation while keeping three children calm and still. And that's okay. They are children. And I'm not supermom. But God has provided the sweetest friends who are like family to us that love my children and care for them so well.
---We have gotten so many meals. Like, more than we deserved. I'm usually the one to offer meals, but this time we have taken over and over. And it was the most helpful thing ever. The week of all of Caleb's appointments, I cooked twice! People just kept calling with meals to drop off. And I cried at the way God met those needs. We needed to eat, and I didn't have the ability to function well enough to plan dinner.
Over the last few weeks I have noticed this: whether in good times or bad times, the most beautiful reflection of motherhood is being deep in the trenches -- spending and being spent -- for the souls and lives of your children. There are some seasons full of tears and sacrifice. There are some seasons of laughter and joy. But every season should be covered in pleading prayers and daily surrender - of your children and yourself.
"I will most gladly spend AND be spent for your souls..." 2 Corinthians 12:15 {emphasis mine}
Now more than ever I know that my children are not mine. They are incredible gifts from the Lord and they are His. He chose me to love them and care for them and guide them -- but they are His and He created them just as they should be. They are His creation, my earthly treasures.
Right now, friends, I'm spending and being spent in ways that I never knew were possible. Perhaps that I never knew I could be. Surrendering myself so that I can most gladly and fully care for my children. But I will do it most gladly so that my children see Jesus, feel loved and know hope in Christ. And I do it whole heartedly so that God may be glorified in my sacrifice of motherhood.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Seasons of children...
I've been thinking a lot about how quickly seasons come and go. Sure, the years are going by faster and faster -- with no sign of slowing down. But each child has seasons that come and go faster than I can keep up with!
It feels like it wasn't too long ago that I was playing on the floor in our small Indiana house with one little boy. Cheering him on as he learned to sit, then crawl, then climb, then walk! And he keeps growing...
Surely, it wasn't that long ago that baby Andrew was doing all he could to keep up with a fast big brother. Long days of teaching and instructing and playing and crying and discipling seem so short now...
And it couldn't have been a year and a half already that Elise was just born and Benjamin was coming home from school at noon and we were all laying on the couch walking Clifford together. Then Andrew would take a nap, then Elise would snooze, then B and I would talk and play Uno.
It felt like torture when Benjamin decided not to nap anymore. And now it's sweet to me that I have a little extra time with Andrew on days he doesn't nap. Sure, we all need rest and quiet time, but these days are fleeting! I don't want to miss what's now because of what was or what is to come.
Now I know that these days are precious. It's not that I didn't before, but as we prepare our hearts and minds and home from another sweet treasure -- more seasons will fly by my eyes and then come August I will have a 22 month old, a 4 year old and a 6 year old and a brand new baby!
So just like that. My babies, one by one, change and grow and become. They are no longer babies, but praise Jesus, they are still under my wing. I can still pray that the Lord will use me in these little years to love them well, teach them well, and grow with them. And hopefully when my nest is empty and my days are full of free time, I will not look back in regret. I will look back with joy at memories made in each season and I will look forward to the gifts of new seasons.
It feels like it wasn't too long ago that I was playing on the floor in our small Indiana house with one little boy. Cheering him on as he learned to sit, then crawl, then climb, then walk! And he keeps growing...
Surely, it wasn't that long ago that baby Andrew was doing all he could to keep up with a fast big brother. Long days of teaching and instructing and playing and crying and discipling seem so short now...
And it couldn't have been a year and a half already that Elise was just born and Benjamin was coming home from school at noon and we were all laying on the couch walking Clifford together. Then Andrew would take a nap, then Elise would snooze, then B and I would talk and play Uno.
It felt like torture when Benjamin decided not to nap anymore. And now it's sweet to me that I have a little extra time with Andrew on days he doesn't nap. Sure, we all need rest and quiet time, but these days are fleeting! I don't want to miss what's now because of what was or what is to come.
Now I know that these days are precious. It's not that I didn't before, but as we prepare our hearts and minds and home from another sweet treasure -- more seasons will fly by my eyes and then come August I will have a 22 month old, a 4 year old and a 6 year old and a brand new baby!
So just like that. My babies, one by one, change and grow and become. They are no longer babies, but praise Jesus, they are still under my wing. I can still pray that the Lord will use me in these little years to love them well, teach them well, and grow with them. And hopefully when my nest is empty and my days are full of free time, I will not look back in regret. I will look back with joy at memories made in each season and I will look forward to the gifts of new seasons.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
On being a mom...
Before I had children, there was very little "real life" parenting that I saw day to day. I babysat and got to play with small children. I taught a three year old Sunday school class and adored spending time with those sweet faces each week.
But when we lived in Texas I spent a lot of time with a dear friend who loved Jesus and lived out her life -- good and bad and beautiful and hard -- for me every day. Being a mom looked harder than I previously thought! I'm grateful for her real life love because those two years prepared me for motherhood in incredible ways!
Now after three babes of my own, I realize that I know less and have nothing to offer without the grace of God. It's a true saying that the more children you have and the longer you are a parent, the less you know and the more humble you become. God did not give us the joy of parenthood without the beautiful {and sometimes painful} santifaction that comes with it!
Patrick was in Africa all of last week and there were some things that happened that just made me think "this is being a mom". I was alone at home with my children -- one in a cast, one small baby and one four year old {does that say enough?}. God provided richly with abundant grace and patience and kindness and meals. It was a sweet and difficult week.
Either way, sometimes being a mom is hard. All of the time being a mom is the most fabulous job in the world.
Sometimes being a mom means sitting on your child to give him medicine. And crying with him because it breaks your heart.
Sometimes being a mom looks like more TV shows or movies than you ever thought your children could watch -- simply for survival.
Sometimes being a mom means letting your children sit with their best friends at church so everyone can be happy for an hour.
Sometimes being a mom means eating the chocolate sprinkle donut you got for your child because he suddenly decides that your donut of choice looks much tastier.
Sometimes being a mom means waking up so very early with a smile on your face so your children never, ever think they are a burden.
Sometimes being a mom looks like little hands constantly touching your head and face and legs and arms.
Sometimes being a mom means getting A LOT of kisses and hugs.
Sometimes being a mom means that a two hour break changes everything and suddenly you can conquer the world!
Sometimes being a mom means giving up your much anticipated time at the local Y because your sweet toddler has a cast on his foot and cannot walk.
Sometimes being a mom means that carrying a toddler with a cast IS your daily workout.
Sometimes being a mom means making the most of days when no one naps.
Sometimes being a mom means creating things out of paper and cardboard that you would rather throw away, but you know that it will make your boys very happy.
Sometimes being a mom means sitting down, forgetting the world and playing knights and castles while cooing to a baby...
Even on the hard days, even when I have no personal space {read: never}, even when days seem long, even when I have to give up my donut {and I don't even really like donuts!} -- the days turn into fast years and I don't want to think that this work was in vain. This job, being a mom, is exactly what I've been called to do...and I'm determined, by the grace and strength of God, to do it with joy!
But when we lived in Texas I spent a lot of time with a dear friend who loved Jesus and lived out her life -- good and bad and beautiful and hard -- for me every day. Being a mom looked harder than I previously thought! I'm grateful for her real life love because those two years prepared me for motherhood in incredible ways!
Now after three babes of my own, I realize that I know less and have nothing to offer without the grace of God. It's a true saying that the more children you have and the longer you are a parent, the less you know and the more humble you become. God did not give us the joy of parenthood without the beautiful {and sometimes painful} santifaction that comes with it!
Patrick was in Africa all of last week and there were some things that happened that just made me think "this is being a mom". I was alone at home with my children -- one in a cast, one small baby and one four year old {does that say enough?}. God provided richly with abundant grace and patience and kindness and meals. It was a sweet and difficult week.
Either way, sometimes being a mom is hard. All of the time being a mom is the most fabulous job in the world.
Sometimes being a mom means sitting on your child to give him medicine. And crying with him because it breaks your heart.
Sometimes being a mom looks like more TV shows or movies than you ever thought your children could watch -- simply for survival.
Sometimes being a mom means letting your children sit with their best friends at church so everyone can be happy for an hour.
Sometimes being a mom means eating the chocolate sprinkle donut you got for your child because he suddenly decides that your donut of choice looks much tastier.
Sometimes being a mom means waking up so very early with a smile on your face so your children never, ever think they are a burden.
Sometimes being a mom looks like little hands constantly touching your head and face and legs and arms.
Sometimes being a mom means getting A LOT of kisses and hugs.
Sometimes being a mom means that a two hour break changes everything and suddenly you can conquer the world!
Sometimes being a mom means giving up your much anticipated time at the local Y because your sweet toddler has a cast on his foot and cannot walk.
Sometimes being a mom means that carrying a toddler with a cast IS your daily workout.
Sometimes being a mom means making the most of days when no one naps.
Sometimes being a mom means creating things out of paper and cardboard that you would rather throw away, but you know that it will make your boys very happy.
Sometimes being a mom means sitting down, forgetting the world and playing knights and castles while cooing to a baby...
Even on the hard days, even when I have no personal space {read: never}, even when days seem long, even when I have to give up my donut {and I don't even really like donuts!} -- the days turn into fast years and I don't want to think that this work was in vain. This job, being a mom, is exactly what I've been called to do...and I'm determined, by the grace and strength of God, to do it with joy!
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I choose now.
Right now, life is happening. My life. And I want to be apart of it.
Right now, my babies are growing. And I don't want to miss it.
Right now, my husband is ready to take me on adventures. And I want to go.
Right now, my present isn't perfect -- but it's my present. And I don't want to blink and it be gone without any memories or any fun or any part of me with it.
Right now, I choose to be apart of my present. I choose joy. I choose grace. I choose laughter. I choose to embrace whatever the Lord bring my way.
I choose my present over any sort of perfection -- because I'm confident that's where all life's goodness comes from...
PS -- I am IN LOVE with this print. And a thousand other things over at Lindsay Letters. Check it out!
Right now, my babies are growing. And I don't want to miss it.
Right now, my husband is ready to take me on adventures. And I want to go.
Right now, my present isn't perfect -- but it's my present. And I don't want to blink and it be gone without any memories or any fun or any part of me with it.
Right now, I choose to be apart of my present. I choose joy. I choose grace. I choose laughter. I choose to embrace whatever the Lord bring my way.
I choose my present over any sort of perfection -- because I'm confident that's where all life's goodness comes from...
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| From Lindsay Letters -- here |
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Dear baby girl...
Dear baby girl --
It seems as though we have been waiting a very long time for you. You have been contently growing and changing and getting ready to meet us. Your Creator has gently cared for you and allowed you to grow just as He has seen fit. I just know that He has lovingly held you in His hands -- because I asked Him to hold you each and every day until I could. And our God is faithful, my love.
Sweet girl, did you know how long we prayed for you? Do you know there were so many people walking with us as we asked God to allow us to have another baby? Each month, each cycle of Clomid, our friends came around us and asked God for life. And then on the very last round of clomid that we were allowed to do, He answered those prayers and pleas -- with YOU! You are such a gift to us and an answer to many, many prayers.
The Lord has been preparing my heart, and our home, for you since we found out you were a girl. I thought that we would be an all boy family, but God knew we need a baby girl around here. I was so nervous and so anxious about having a little girl -- I just wasn't sure if I was the right woman to raise a girl. Would I know what to do and what to say? How would I raise two boys AND a girl? But our Lord, in His wisdom, knew that I was indeed the best woman to be your momma. Let's just promise to learn together and be full of grace.
Lucky you, little girl -- there are two big brothers waiting so {not very} patiently for you. Since we knew you were a girl, Benjamin has been telling the world about his baby sister! He makes pictures for you daily and loves to kiss my belly and talk to you. I'm certain you'll know him right away when you come into the world. And Andrew is excited, too. He pulls up my shirt and tries to open my belly button so you can come out! He is such a sweet boy, I know he will entertain you so much and protect you. These boys were made to be your brothers and you are a blessed girl because of that!
Your daddy knew you were a girl from day one and has been so excited about you coming into our family. He is so incredible and will treat you like a princess. He will teach you so much about Jesus and life. He will love you so deeply. He will also, very likely, give you just about anything you want. Be wise with what you request!
I think, sometimes, about how you will fit into my arms and if you'll be longer or shorter or bigger or smaller than your brothers. I know your bumps from the inside and can only imagine what they will look like on the outside. You already seem graceful and intentional. You move so much at night and I pray often that you will learn quickly that we sleep at night, although I'm not so naive to know that is wishful thinking.
I wonder if you will be alert and observant, watching the boys run around you. I wonder if you're use to the noises they make and hearing screams of pretend knights and heroes and pirates taking over our home. You'll learn quickly that boys will be boys. It's okay if you want to play pirates or always be the princess.
We have been praying for you and we love you so much already. I knew that each one of us can't wait to hold you in our arms. Our home has pinks and purples and birds and bows now. Those are things that never had a place until now. And we are waiting for you. Come soon, little sister, there is so much out here for you to see. Mostly, we just want you here to make our little family so much sweeter and fuller and complete.
I'll love you forever and always,
Momma
It seems as though we have been waiting a very long time for you. You have been contently growing and changing and getting ready to meet us. Your Creator has gently cared for you and allowed you to grow just as He has seen fit. I just know that He has lovingly held you in His hands -- because I asked Him to hold you each and every day until I could. And our God is faithful, my love.
Sweet girl, did you know how long we prayed for you? Do you know there were so many people walking with us as we asked God to allow us to have another baby? Each month, each cycle of Clomid, our friends came around us and asked God for life. And then on the very last round of clomid that we were allowed to do, He answered those prayers and pleas -- with YOU! You are such a gift to us and an answer to many, many prayers.
The Lord has been preparing my heart, and our home, for you since we found out you were a girl. I thought that we would be an all boy family, but God knew we need a baby girl around here. I was so nervous and so anxious about having a little girl -- I just wasn't sure if I was the right woman to raise a girl. Would I know what to do and what to say? How would I raise two boys AND a girl? But our Lord, in His wisdom, knew that I was indeed the best woman to be your momma. Let's just promise to learn together and be full of grace.
Lucky you, little girl -- there are two big brothers waiting so {not very} patiently for you. Since we knew you were a girl, Benjamin has been telling the world about his baby sister! He makes pictures for you daily and loves to kiss my belly and talk to you. I'm certain you'll know him right away when you come into the world. And Andrew is excited, too. He pulls up my shirt and tries to open my belly button so you can come out! He is such a sweet boy, I know he will entertain you so much and protect you. These boys were made to be your brothers and you are a blessed girl because of that!
Your daddy knew you were a girl from day one and has been so excited about you coming into our family. He is so incredible and will treat you like a princess. He will teach you so much about Jesus and life. He will love you so deeply. He will also, very likely, give you just about anything you want. Be wise with what you request!
I think, sometimes, about how you will fit into my arms and if you'll be longer or shorter or bigger or smaller than your brothers. I know your bumps from the inside and can only imagine what they will look like on the outside. You already seem graceful and intentional. You move so much at night and I pray often that you will learn quickly that we sleep at night, although I'm not so naive to know that is wishful thinking.
I wonder if you will be alert and observant, watching the boys run around you. I wonder if you're use to the noises they make and hearing screams of pretend knights and heroes and pirates taking over our home. You'll learn quickly that boys will be boys. It's okay if you want to play pirates or always be the princess.
We have been praying for you and we love you so much already. I knew that each one of us can't wait to hold you in our arms. Our home has pinks and purples and birds and bows now. Those are things that never had a place until now. And we are waiting for you. Come soon, little sister, there is so much out here for you to see. Mostly, we just want you here to make our little family so much sweeter and fuller and complete.
I'll love you forever and always,
Momma
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Being thankful...
Today, on Thanksgiving, I am thankful for:
The Lord. The Creator of heaven and earth. My Shepherd. The Almighty. Yahweh.
His powerful and crazy love that, through Christ, gave me redemption and freedom and grace and peace and joy.
And that was enough. Beyond enough. But God has blessed me so much and in so many ways. God has been teaching me so much about gratitude and how it can change a person. Being thankful, constantly, brings so much joy and humility. It makes you think about everything else, before yourself. And your perspective is so much more...thankful. So with all of that said....
I'm also thankful for:
*Patrick. Seriously. He's wonderful.
*Benjamin. My little boy, a momma's boy recently. {joyful music playing}
*Andrew. Sweeeet baby boy. He gives the BEST hugs!
*friends who are like family
*family that loves us, despite the distance
*coffee
*my french press
*cute mugs to drink coffee out of
*electric blankets
*friends that know me SO well. that's been such a long time coming and God has blessed me so much with incredible friends!!!
*cardigans
*a home. that has heat and water and love.
*legs that like to run
*did I say coffee?
*homemade chocolate icing
*being able to read my bible and go to church freely
*getting my hair cut and straightened
*water. mainly that I can drink as much as I want. But also water to take hot showers with.
*food galore. and whenever I want. sometimes however I want.
*the past year of changing and growing and learning.
*a good cry
*a hearty laugh
*this video. you're welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. What are you thankful for?!?!?
The Lord. The Creator of heaven and earth. My Shepherd. The Almighty. Yahweh.
His powerful and crazy love that, through Christ, gave me redemption and freedom and grace and peace and joy.
And that was enough. Beyond enough. But God has blessed me so much and in so many ways. God has been teaching me so much about gratitude and how it can change a person. Being thankful, constantly, brings so much joy and humility. It makes you think about everything else, before yourself. And your perspective is so much more...thankful. So with all of that said....
I'm also thankful for:
*Patrick. Seriously. He's wonderful.
*Benjamin. My little boy, a momma's boy recently. {joyful music playing}
*Andrew. Sweeeet baby boy. He gives the BEST hugs!
*friends who are like family
*family that loves us, despite the distance
*coffee
*my french press
*cute mugs to drink coffee out of
*electric blankets
*friends that know me SO well. that's been such a long time coming and God has blessed me so much with incredible friends!!!
*cardigans
*a home. that has heat and water and love.
*legs that like to run
*did I say coffee?
*homemade chocolate icing
*being able to read my bible and go to church freely
*getting my hair cut and straightened
*water. mainly that I can drink as much as I want. But also water to take hot showers with.
*food galore. and whenever I want. sometimes however I want.
*the past year of changing and growing and learning.
*a good cry
*a hearty laugh
*this video. you're welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. What are you thankful for?!?!?
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Fairy Tale myth.
Being a princess has always been a goal of mine.
Laugh if you will. But I wanted to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor, carried away to a castle, be served in every way possible and live happily ever after. You can't tell me that you didn't want this just a little bit. Our world has given us story after story, movie after movie of "happily ever afters". And we've been told that we can have this too! But it's not real life.
And since that's the case. I've contently given up my quest for princess-ship.
I've been thinking a lot lately about serving my family and loving them. I've thought through and sought to understand what it means to fulfill ministry. And do you know what I've come up with? I'm really proud and selfish! I have a hard time living in the "I will even if you won't" mentality. I struggle giving when I know I won't receive. I feel entitled to treats and this and that because I deserve it. What happened to being a princess around here, y'all!??
How, though, can I be a "princess" if I'm called, by the Creator of the world, to be the least and the last? I can I serve with a joyful heart and fulfill my ministry if I'm trying to convince, and expect, everyone around me to make my fairy tale come true? This, I would argue, is absolutely unbiblical and not a godly way to live.
What if my "fairy tale" is scrubbing floors and cooking meals and doing laundry and sacrificing and giving without ever receiving anything? What if being a princess has just been my way of letting myself live in self-righteousness and pride and resentment and arrogance and entitlement and being fake?
You know what I want? I want real life. I want to struggle and cry and grow and change. I want to plead to God to answer a prayer and then have my prayers unanswered. I want to disagree and wrestle through things with my husband. I want to laugh with him. I want to be ONE with my man. I want to discipline disobedient children. I want to praise and encourage and love sweet little boys. I want to cry tears of joy and pain because of my husband and children. I want to live on a modest budget. I want to be different from the rest of the world. I want to live this very real, very crazy, very hard, very, very beautiful life to the fullest.
And I just cannot do that if I'm seeking to be a princess.
There is not enough room in our family for a princess.
Just me.
Humble, joyful, selfless, thoughtful, tender, giving, growing me.
Wherever "me" may be.
Whatever I was looking for in a fairy tale -- adventure! travel! happiness! ease of life! getting everything I want! rescue! leisure! love! -- that simply cannot be found in being a princess, or living a life in pursuit of royalty. Or ever, really. You'll always be disappointed. And then you'll play the victim because you didn't get what you want. And then you'll feel entitled to find it. It's a vicious cycle.
But I say this: God rescued me. God has given me an incredible husband who has swept me off of my feet. God has blessed us with two little miracles. God has provided for us so we can be good stewards. God has shown us Himself through struggle and tears and pain. And God has revealed His kindness through blessings and laughter and peace.
I couldn't have written this story, His story, better myself. Praise God that He didn't let me and that I didn't have much say. My story would have ended in a lot of brokenness and resentment and bitterness. Instead, come what may on this journey, this girl has joy unending -- not because what I have or what I have done or what I may do. It's all because I've been redeemed and loved and pursued by the God Almighty.
Forget fairy tales! I've got Jesus. And because of Him, I have REAL life.
Laugh if you will. But I wanted to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor, carried away to a castle, be served in every way possible and live happily ever after. You can't tell me that you didn't want this just a little bit. Our world has given us story after story, movie after movie of "happily ever afters". And we've been told that we can have this too! But it's not real life.
And since that's the case. I've contently given up my quest for princess-ship.
I've been thinking a lot lately about serving my family and loving them. I've thought through and sought to understand what it means to fulfill ministry. And do you know what I've come up with? I'm really proud and selfish! I have a hard time living in the "I will even if you won't" mentality. I struggle giving when I know I won't receive. I feel entitled to treats and this and that because I deserve it. What happened to being a princess around here, y'all!??
How, though, can I be a "princess" if I'm called, by the Creator of the world, to be the least and the last? I can I serve with a joyful heart and fulfill my ministry if I'm trying to convince, and expect, everyone around me to make my fairy tale come true? This, I would argue, is absolutely unbiblical and not a godly way to live.
What if my "fairy tale" is scrubbing floors and cooking meals and doing laundry and sacrificing and giving without ever receiving anything? What if being a princess has just been my way of letting myself live in self-righteousness and pride and resentment and arrogance and entitlement and being fake?
You know what I want? I want real life. I want to struggle and cry and grow and change. I want to plead to God to answer a prayer and then have my prayers unanswered. I want to disagree and wrestle through things with my husband. I want to laugh with him. I want to be ONE with my man. I want to discipline disobedient children. I want to praise and encourage and love sweet little boys. I want to cry tears of joy and pain because of my husband and children. I want to live on a modest budget. I want to be different from the rest of the world. I want to live this very real, very crazy, very hard, very, very beautiful life to the fullest.
And I just cannot do that if I'm seeking to be a princess.
There is not enough room in our family for a princess.
Just me.
Humble, joyful, selfless, thoughtful, tender, giving, growing me.
Wherever "me" may be.
Whatever I was looking for in a fairy tale -- adventure! travel! happiness! ease of life! getting everything I want! rescue! leisure! love! -- that simply cannot be found in being a princess, or living a life in pursuit of royalty. Or ever, really. You'll always be disappointed. And then you'll play the victim because you didn't get what you want. And then you'll feel entitled to find it. It's a vicious cycle.
But I say this: God rescued me. God has given me an incredible husband who has swept me off of my feet. God has blessed us with two little miracles. God has provided for us so we can be good stewards. God has shown us Himself through struggle and tears and pain. And God has revealed His kindness through blessings and laughter and peace.
I couldn't have written this story, His story, better myself. Praise God that He didn't let me and that I didn't have much say. My story would have ended in a lot of brokenness and resentment and bitterness. Instead, come what may on this journey, this girl has joy unending -- not because what I have or what I have done or what I may do. It's all because I've been redeemed and loved and pursued by the God Almighty.
Forget fairy tales! I've got Jesus. And because of Him, I have REAL life.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Meaningful Monday.
Do you have friends that just mean the world to you?
Do you have a few that you could talk to about anything?
Maybe they would drop everything to encourage you, talk to you, pray for you?
Do you have friends that you can laugh hysterically with and make silly jokes with?
Do you have friends you can be honest with?
Can you call them out and expect them to do the same for you?
Those friends are rare. And a treasure!
My life has been filled with season after season of different friendships. Some have lasted a lifetime, others I don't even talk to anymore. But when we were close -- in that season -- it was a beautiful thing!
The more we move and as I mature, I find that my heart desires depth more than width in friendships. I don't want a thousand friends, quite honestly, because I cannot keep up with them or give them the attention and affection a true friendship requires.
I've noticed that there are a handful of friends that will out last all the others. I know that there are some friends I can call on -- whenever, wherever, whatever -- and I'm cared for. I've realized that those few friendships are worth every single ounce of me that I put into them. And I'm a better person because of it, because of them.
There is one friend that I had a few years ago, we don't talk much anymore, but every time I think about our friendship I can't help but know that God was glorified and we both grew so much. Until that point I had never been corrected, loved or fought for as much as I was by her. And until that point in my life, I had never, ever spent so much time on my knees praying with and for this friend. We were so different, but I loved how God used us in each others lives. When I think of what a "biblical friendship" looks like -- I always think we had an incredible beginning of one! Do you have a friendship like this?
I've been thinking a lot lately about having a "best friend" and what that would look like. But at this stage of my life, only Patrick could be my best friend. And he's the only person I want to call my best friend. Not because my friends aren't the best -- but because what a "best friend" requires is all that I give my husband and not even close to what I could give a friend.
Patrick is my most exclusive friend, knows anything and everything, good and bad. He walks with me intimately, talks to me constantly, prays for me passionately, encourages me daily, corrects me and leads me and grows with me and loves me even when it may seem impossible or hard. And I do all of that for him. I can't say that for any other friends at this point in my life. And I'm okay with that.
I love that Patrick is my "best" friend. I love that the Lord has provided super close friends for me to walk with and talk with and grow with. I love that there are other friends, who I may not be as close to, that I can still love and laugh and enjoy life with. I love that every season brings along someone new, someone to grow with and learn about. I love how God made us all so unique -- and made our friendships connect in perfect ways, to bring us closer to Him and for His glory.
What are YOUR thoughts on having a "best friend" or just "seasonal" friends? I'd love to know more thoughts on this as I continue processing all of this!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Last minute snuggles...
I'm not really nervous for surgery tomorrow. Certainly I don't love the fact that a doctor will be cutting into my abdomen, but Lord has given me perfect peace about this whole situation. As an added bonus, I'll be under general anesthesia and get unhindered rest for about two hours!
Want to know what I'm having a hard time with today? Not being able to carry and move around with my boys for a while. I'm not a "hands off" momma. I do things with my littles and we are constantly together. I hold them and snuggle them and crawl around on the floor with them and play chase with them and capture them and build forts with them. And while our days are not always filled with these fun things, our weeks have enough "active" in them that I will miss all that craziness.
So, as I carried Andrew down the stairs this morning; as I picked up Benjamin and sat him on the counter top to help me make breakfast; as I crawled into B's bed/tent at nap time to read and snuggle; as I carried a sleeping baby to his crib; as I loaded and unloaded groceries from my car -- I made a little mental note to enjoy that moment. I lingered a while longer and sang a few extra songs at nap time because I won't be putting B down for several days. I snuggle Andrew a little longer before he was ready to play and move. And I may have cried a little tear because I don't stop as often as I should and treasure these moments regularly.
There is so much to look forward to about having surgery: being pain free {after my recovery!}, moving on from this trial, being able to hold my boys again, being able to vacuum without crazy pain, being allowed to lift things and workout like I want to. But until then, give or take four weeks, I'll slow down. I'll enjoy the forced break and I'll be grateful for the incredible amount of help we're about to receive. Then, I'll be better, Lord willing, and I can return to "normal". But I hope, more than anything, that I'll be humble enough and willing enough to be changed from all of this. I hope that on the other side of all of this that I'll be slower about my days and my thoughts. I'll be mindful of each moment, as much as I can with two boys, and treasure so much more than I do now.
And then, I'll hold my boys as long as they will let me. Because, let's face it, boys move too quickly and grow too fast. I don't want to miss any "lasts" because I was making plans for all the "firsts" and "to-do's".
Either way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow around noon -- when the surgery is over and I'm on my way home. Funny, embarrassing stories of things I have said to the nurses fresh on Patrick's mind and me with a grateful, humbled heart {and a closed hernia!}.
Want to know what I'm having a hard time with today? Not being able to carry and move around with my boys for a while. I'm not a "hands off" momma. I do things with my littles and we are constantly together. I hold them and snuggle them and crawl around on the floor with them and play chase with them and capture them and build forts with them. And while our days are not always filled with these fun things, our weeks have enough "active" in them that I will miss all that craziness.
So, as I carried Andrew down the stairs this morning; as I picked up Benjamin and sat him on the counter top to help me make breakfast; as I crawled into B's bed/tent at nap time to read and snuggle; as I carried a sleeping baby to his crib; as I loaded and unloaded groceries from my car -- I made a little mental note to enjoy that moment. I lingered a while longer and sang a few extra songs at nap time because I won't be putting B down for several days. I snuggle Andrew a little longer before he was ready to play and move. And I may have cried a little tear because I don't stop as often as I should and treasure these moments regularly.
There is so much to look forward to about having surgery: being pain free {after my recovery!}, moving on from this trial, being able to hold my boys again, being able to vacuum without crazy pain, being allowed to lift things and workout like I want to. But until then, give or take four weeks, I'll slow down. I'll enjoy the forced break and I'll be grateful for the incredible amount of help we're about to receive. Then, I'll be better, Lord willing, and I can return to "normal". But I hope, more than anything, that I'll be humble enough and willing enough to be changed from all of this. I hope that on the other side of all of this that I'll be slower about my days and my thoughts. I'll be mindful of each moment, as much as I can with two boys, and treasure so much more than I do now.
And then, I'll hold my boys as long as they will let me. Because, let's face it, boys move too quickly and grow too fast. I don't want to miss any "lasts" because I was making plans for all the "firsts" and "to-do's".
Either way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow around noon -- when the surgery is over and I'm on my way home. Funny, embarrassing stories of things I have said to the nurses fresh on Patrick's mind and me with a grateful, humbled heart {and a closed hernia!}.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Top 11 of 2011 and then some...
This post could get rather long, but I'm in it to win it. This is the place I keep so many memories, so many thoughts. Why wouldn't I share all our "tops" in the very same place? These tops are not in any order. Expect number one -- that was definitely our number one this year :)
Top 11 in 2011:
11. Flock -- We've been blessed with incredible friends. So blessed. And we are very, very grateful.
10. So. many. visitors!!!!!!!
9. Tornado insanity 2011 with a week old baby and a toddler. Sigh.
8. Route 66 Half Marathon
7. Freedom Movement 2011 -- that seems to be gearing up to carry over into 2012 :)
6. Finding out AR was a boy :)
5. Benjamin's 2nd birthday -- trip to the Fire Station
4. Surprise 30th birthday party!
3. Christmas.
2. Trip to Minnesota.
1. Andrew Reid was born!
So much happened around here over the last 12 months. So much has changed!
We are now a family of four. I have an almost three year old and a seven and a half month old. Goodness. Benjamin and Andrew have, seemingly, grown up over night. My sweet big boy talks in paragraphs and has favorites. He tells knock-knock jokes and his character is revealed more each day. The little boy has an unspeakable joy! He has two teeth and can almost crawl. It amazes me how small he was just a few months ago.
Patrick and I celebrated seven years of marriage. He and I journeyed together -- through good and bad -- as we walked through a difficult pregnancy, much sickness, raising a toddler, having a new baby, growing in our marriage, learning to communicate better, learning to enjoy one another more, learning how to love one another, and growing spiritually together. Oh my soul -- God's love toward me is overwhelmingly revealed through my incredible husband.
2011 saw the end of cancer for my mom. It saw the healing of a tiny little heart, beating in the body of my baby boy. It brought us the most sickness we have seen as a family. It gave us inside jokes and sweet memories. It brought new life and saw deep sin put to death. It gave me hope as I sought the Lord earnestly through each change we encountered.
I don't think any one year is perfect. Each year has significant struggles and incredible joys. 2011 has proven to be no different. I wouldn't trade a single difficulty because it drew me nearer to God, it made me more of the woman He created me to be and {Lord willing} brought my Lord much glory. And I would certainly keep each and every joy -- too many to count, some I've probably forgotten already.
And just for fun, here are the top/most read 6 {because I can't figure out how to find the stats on the rest :)} posts from 2011:
5. Good Grief
4. Beta is...
2. Sweet heart
There are several posts that I wrote that were especially meaningful or helpful to me as I processed life. Here they are in no particular order:
Whew! That's enough links to take you into the new year! And with all of that said -- 2011 was really great and I'm looking forward to all that 2012 brings. Happy New Year to you, my friends!
What were your "tops" in 2011? Please share!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Learning and growing...
Watching Benjamin and Andrew learn is one of my favorite things about being a momma. They are sponges, constantly soaking up anything and everything they can figure out. New moves, new words. Nothing is out of their reach -- and I remind them of that every day. I hope they never stop learning and trying to figure things out!
I'm processing so much right now. Learning and growing and figuring things out, if you will. I've recognized and realized a lot of the last few weeks and I'm not quite sure what to do about it or how to handle it. I'm growing further in my "Freedom Movement 2011" and it takes so much out of me {which I'm so grateful for} and breathes new life as I find myself more in love and awe of the Cross, of God's sovereignty and all He has done for me.
Plus, I'm seeing how I can change and grow as a mom. I'm challenged daily -- in good ways and in Benjamin ways ;) There's so much to learn about motherhood, about raising precious little boys and helping them to see Jesus, know who they are and give them the opportunity to explore and grow on their own. *sigh* Either way -- I'm still a mess over here.
Patrick and I are reading a great marriage book with our flock called, "What Did You Expect" - by Paul Tripp. SO GOOD. We've been learning and processing a lot, too. We're constantly learning how we work as a couple, how we work as individuals, how we work as parents. I love this journey. I love that Patrick is the one I get to journey with, grow with. God is so kind to be teaching us and allowing us to grow more in Him.
All of these things may be hard, but each has so much goodness in them! I love that God is allowing me to grow in each area of my life right now. His hand is not hidden from any part of me, what a great blessing!
But for now, I'm going to go sit in silence for a few minutes before my boys take over again. These moments are so precious to me -- to sit and hear from the Lord, to be still in the craziness of my life.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Le *sigh*
Here I am. Really. I'm around. I'm just so out of touch with my blog and the internet world. I kind of like it.
I'm emotionally exhausted. And we've been on the go for the last two weeks. These words bless my soul:
See this? This is the gorgeous sky I'm privileged to see down here in OK. I love that God made the sky just like this some days. I'm humbled that He's teaching me right now. Someday, I'll tell you all about it. Until then -- just look at His glory!
My boys are such precious gifts. I love making them smile and laugh. Benjamin doesn't laugh as easily as Andrew right now because this season of being two is awfully hard on him. I don't remember being two, but I guess it's not very easy. And from my observations, being five months old has it's up and downs. Generally, though, it's up. So Andrew smiles a little more.
Oh HEY! Andrew is five months old now! And *almost* sitting up. And *almost* getting his first teeth. And *absolutely* moving like crazy {the boy scoots on his belly to get what he wants!}. And *suddenly* learning to be demanding. And *loves* being in my arms. And is *finally* sleeping in his own bed, but not through the night. Patrick is most pleased by this. I'm coming to grips with it. But I'm the one who, with blurry eyes and stumbling feet, makes my way through the house, up the stairs and into a little baby room to nurse at some random point in the wee hours of the morning. I think I'll come to grips with it when I'm sleeping through the night :)
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Processing is what I do best...
Today is Saturday, as I'm sure you know. That means tomorrow is Sunday. Praise Jesus!!! Also, I'm a processor. Did you know that? Every little thing in my life has to be worked out in my head {mainly by talking or writing} for me to get it and work with it and understand it. It's how I was made and sometimes I want to question God's design in that. But I won't because He's perfect and created all things and who am I to question a mere quality that consumes me?
Let me lay it all out there and be completely honest for a minute:
This week was really hard.
I said it. That is truth. I was overwhelmed and felt easily defeated. I was exhausted and had too few hands and feet to be two parents. I functioned on very little sleep and even less contentment. In fact, most of the week I found myself so frustrated and annoyed when I didn't need to be. Want to know why? Because I was absolutely striving in my own strength and relying on myself.
God cannot move when I won't let Him have a place in my every day struggles and joy. So then I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to strive IN the Lord and trust IN the Lord and rely ON the Lord and rest IN the Lord and grow IN the Lord. Not in ME. This was a hard lesson for me to grasp.
Here is what I came up with: When I prayed in the mornings while nursing AR, my perspective was much more joyful, peaceful and mindful of the Lord. When I spoke with kindness and love to my children I was so calm. When I was consistent in discipline and with our routine we all worked together better. When I prayed constantly, for whatever, my mind was set on things above. When I stopped and prayed for Patrick and the team he's working with, my job didn't seem has tough. And when I allowed God to take my thoughts captive and show me a better way, He did.
And know this, my friends: No matter how hard, or easy, this week may have been there is absolutely no other place that I would want my husband to be. I would care for our children alone for a month if that's what God called us to. Patrick is following the Lord and walking in faith right now as he serves in Wales and I wouldn't want him to walk away from that for me - not even a little bit. And I know this is true, too, that God did not send Patrick to Wales this week without also thinking of me at home. He is divine in His plan and all His ways are good. And I will stand firm in that truth.
This week wasn't as hard as it could have been. This week wasn't as long as it could have been. This week was exactly what it was suppose to be - a long lesson in trusting in God, relying on God and pouring myself out to Him as He teaches, grows and changes me to be the woman He's called me to be. And please know that there have been some very wonderful and tender moments around here! I have the two most wonderful boys a momma could ask for!
Every night, as I tuck B into bed {and as he prolongs going to sleep as much as possible} I tell him this, "B, guess what? You are my favorite Benjamin. And you always will be. And do you want to know something? It is a joy to be your momma. I'm so blessed that God made you to be my son. I love you, sweet boy." He doesn't always listen, but I know he hears me. And despite tantrums and tears and fussiness and laughing and chasing and exploring - at the end of each and every day, my boy knows that I loved him and cherished him and was so grateful for him. And I think that is exactly how God wanted this week to go.
Even though there have been some incredible lessons learned this week, I can.not wait until tomorrow evening. I can't wait for my favorite things in the entire world to come home and be home. I can't wait to talk and share and pray and laugh together again.
And you'll certainly be able to pick the boys and I out of the crowd at the airport. We'll be the three crazies going up and down the escalator singing random songs and laughing while we wait for our knight in shining armor to walk through the gate. Then, we'll be the three crazies running to fit into the arms that are a safe and joyful place for us. All three of us.
This verse has been especially meaningful to me this week: "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thoughts on my love...
I love the way that his arms can hold me so tightly and make me feel so secure and so loved.
I love the way those same arms carry our children and make them feel like treasures.
Because they are, we are.
I love the way his smile lights up my heart.
And brings a joy to me that I didn't know before him.
I love how warm he is.
His words. His touch. His heart.
I love that we are exactly opposite.
I'm loud, he's not.
He's a learner, I'm a doer.
I'm verbal, he's internal.
He's a leader, I'm a follower.
I'm compassionate, he's not.
He's handy, I'm not.
We fit together just perfectly.
We were created that way.
I love how he leads by example.
How he takes risks and leads a life that I want to be apart of.
I love that he loves the Lord.
And makes me want to know Him more.
I love how he smirks and flirts.
I love how he plays with the boys.
I love how he goes the distance.
I love how he makes my world go round.
And when he's gone, some of me is missing.
My cheerleader, my best friend, my best listener, my other half, my better half.
I feel so incomplete when he's not here.
I long for his return.
I love the joy in our reunions.
And I love how days apart can make our love seem so fresh.
Even so, I would rather him be by me - all the time.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
On being a rock star...
It's no secret that God has been teaching me over and over again about dying to myself and my desires to fulfill His. Unfortunately, I'm slow to learn and have had to endure many lessons on this in the last few years. I feel like I write about this so often.
Something I've always struggled with is wanting something "more". I even remember as a child thinking "what if" and trying to plan my future into something really fantastic. As a young adult, when I was living on my own, I didn't like where I was at all most of the time. I didn't like my circumstances and that I wasn't able to be in school like my friends. I wasn't a huge fan of working full time and supporting myself. It was my lot, though, and looking back it was right where I was suppose to be to learn reliance on a Mighty God.
After Patrick and I got married it was hard to tell people I was a homemaker. Mostly because so many people questioned this decision and eagerly vocalized their concern and disapproval. Even after Benjamin was born it was hard to be a stay-at-home mom. I had wanted to be a momma my entire life and now I was so dissatisfied with being home with a sweet baby all day.
I was constantly wondering what I could do to be better, to be something great. I wanted to a rock star. The center of attention. Something that would never get old or monotonous or boring.
Or would it? Every season of life brought out this search in me. An unsatisfied woman looking for her place in this fast paced, be something great world. A rock star life seemed like my perfect fit.
I realize that I'm quick to try to change the way I look or how I'm perceived by others. How can this be glorifying to God? What I'm really doing is telling God that His plans for me aren't good enough and I can't trust Him to make it, make me, better. It's a sinful attitude rooted in pride. Clearly I think that I can be the "god" of my life and be content. That is a lie. I can never, ever be satisfied without full surrender to Jesus.
And that's where I am today. Surrendered. Broken. Longing for contentment in Him.
Something changed when Andrew was born. My heart softened a little, my eyes opened. My sin was exposed. I stopped expecting and wanting. I didn't want to miss anything else because I was so caught up with myself. I didn't need to be a rock star anymore.
Selflessness has been necessary to survival the last 19 days {or the last 29 years?!}. I can't make it without God - all of Him. And I need to remember this and grasp this before I forget again. All I have is Christ...
I want so badly to honor God with the calling He has given me. Right now, I'm called to be a wife and a mom and a homemaker. I'm called to love my enemies and serve the church. I'm called to be humble and grateful and selfless. And for so long I've not given these things the devotion they deserve. I haven't give God the devotion He deserves.
So, perhaps, this is a post of confession. And repentance. A written word of brokenness and hopelessness without Jesus. A realization. My heart desires to live according to the calling I've received - to be content with my life of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, spend wisely, kissing bumps and bruises, time-outs, turning down invitations because of nap time, trips to the zoo, long and hard conversations, building pretend houses, slow and leisurely walks, date nights, sleepless nights and scratching backs.
*And doing it all for the Lord and without thinking I deserve something for each selfless, humble thing I do.*
I want joy and contentment. I want to live wholly surrendered to an all-knowing God, who planned out exactly where He wants me to be for His glory. I want to learn more and more about Jesus and His love for me, His incredible sacrifice. And out of that I want a to live a life that is not comparable to the world. I want to live so all might see Jesus in me. A reflection. A little pool of nothing, made something by the kindness and grace of God.
I don't need a posh, rock star, look-at-me kind of life. I just need Jesus. More of Him and less of me.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Shhhhhh...
Do you hear that? Listen.
Silence....
Patrick and Benjamin are having man time at Rhythm, Q's & Blues {BBQ cookoff/live music/car show at a local park} and Andrew is sleeping away. Who knew that babies could sleep? It's a beautiful thing.
Here I am. Sitting on the couch. In silence. Listen to birds chirp. Wishing I had a good cup of coffee in my hand.
Peaceful.
So please excuse me while I grab my bible and a cozy blanket. I don't want to waste precious moments like this...
Friday, April 29, 2011
Royalty
As popular as the "Royal Wedding" has been, I'd like to talk to someone about why my wedding wasn't as important to the world. Let's be honest, I'm just as "average" as Kate Middleton and Patrick is by far a better (and more handsome) prince than William. Don't you think?
Sure Will may become the King of England one day, but I know that he has nothing on my man! I think the media really missed the boat on filming and stalking our wedding. And I'm pretty sure the estimated 2 billion people who watched the Royal Wedding this morning would have been just as interested in my wedding - had there been months and months of fussing over it in the news! :)
So for us, today is just an average day: Sick toddler. Bagel breakfast date. Cleaning the house. Drinking iced tea. Waiting anxiously for daddy to get home. My life may not seem fairy-tale like, but it's exactly what God planned and prepared for me...and I love that. I may not be an actual princess, but I feel like one everyday {thanks to that fabulous prince of mine}!
So let yourself feel like royalty today...even if it means doing laundry at some point! You're just as important and incredible to the Lord as Will and Kate ;)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
And if I can't be in France...
...I'll go to Scotland. I loved being in Scotland. Specifically, St. Andrew's. I even asked Patrick if we could sell all we own and open a Bed and Breakfast there. I think he said no. I should ask again :)
There is a certain part of me that is very sure that I was not meant to live in the United States. And I love that.
And let me say, in all honesty, there is absolutely no way I would sit on a plane for nine hours right now. I just wouldn't make it. But it is fun to think about the places Patrick and I have been together. What a joy it is making memories with him!!!
In Inverness. Looking for the Loch Ness Monster. Duh.
Castle ruins in St. Andrew's.
Us. And ruins. And St. Andrews.
An entrance to University of St. Andrews. Which, did you know, Prince William went there and that's where he met his bride-to-be? I don't remember ever knowing that until I was watching the Today show while working out a few weeks ago. Maybe I knew before, I just didn't care. But now I think, "Oh that's fun. I've been there."
And so tell me, where are some places that you would love to be right now? Any favorite vacation spots? Or just somewhere you'd like to go? I can't be the only one who wants to travel :)
Friday, April 15, 2011
Ironies of my life.
There are a few things that consistently make me think, "hum." I'm perplexed at the irony of life in that way. Here are some of the things that are currently baffling me. {These are in no way significant, deep or life changing. So you know ::grin::}
Why is it that when I run the dishwasher or a load of laundry or the dryer I feel insanely productive. Maybe it's the noise that reminds me that I did something good. But the instant that noise stops and I realize there is unloading or loading or folding that needs done, I feel insanely lazy and lose all motivation to be productive.
How can I want an ice cream cone so badly and then eat it and feel terrible? Can my body not handle the cravings it's making such a big deal of? I mean, if I need it shouldn't my body at least kindly enjoy it?! And why can't I remember this issue when I have the desire for ice cream?
Why in the world do I continue to eat doughnuts? Fact: I do not like doughnuts. Sometimes, though, I really want a doughnut with chocolate glaze all over it. I know it will make me feel disgusting and that I will regret every bite, so I eat one. Blah.
Even more so, why must I indulge in something I don't like {such as a doughnut} when it's free? What about free things make me lose all insight into myself and knowledge of how I work? Free = good, even if it's bad. That's just ridiculous of me.
How can I justify spending so much time on the computer when I know there are other things I could do that would make me feel a thousand time better about life and myself and whatever else it is that makes me think other wise? {That HAS to be a run-on sentence. Beth C, is this a run on sentence?} That blows my mind. And makes me really angry at myself. Where is my discipline?
Do you find it a little humorous that all of these things have to do with self control and discipline {or lack thereof}? Good grief in America! I would like to think that I'm pretty good at being self controlled and disciplined when I'm not pregnant, but that's just a pretty excuse. Clearly, I need to do some very stern self evaluation. Or maybe I just did.... hum. Ironic.
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