The Ten Commandments of Motherhood...

Maybe it's just fun to think of how I get by each day.  Maybe you need to laugh a little or shake your head.  Maybe you need a few tips on how to get it done.  But I was thinking of these this morning as I was walking to the park with the littles.  I was near the edge of my limits and thinking of this list made me laugh and remember that these days are, well, tough.  But they are also so very good.

1. Thou shall seek the Lord for grace each day and look to Him for sustainment.

2. Thou shall drink plenty of caffeine.

3. Thou shall laugh often so you don't go crazy.

4. Thou shall leave the house when necessary and remember that fresh air cures a lot of woes and insanity.

5. Thou shall find a theme song and dance to it frequently {Mine: Up in here, by DMX. Other good options: We are the Champions, Queen/I gotta get through this, Daniel Bettingfield/Mind stopped working, you'll find one... I just know it.}

6. Thou shall not compare thyself to other moms or people who do things awesome in their own way, BUT celebrate your differences and the way YOU do things with awesomeness. 

7. Thou shall find a good friend or two {or four, whatever} and stick together. 

8. Thou shall not be afraid to use the TV or iPad or loud toys as a distraction so you can take a deep breath or two/clean the house/not hurt anyone. Seriously, it won't ruin them and everyone survives!

9. Thou shall read as many books as possible, play with legos and blocks, wrap babies in blankets, play hide and seek, brush hair, change clothes, and tickle children whenever you can because children should be children.  And you should enjoy these days, too. 

10. Thou shall kiss and hug and snuggle your small people at least one thousand times a day.  They still like it when they are bigger, even if they put up a fight.  Everyone needs these things, even if you don't want to be touched one more time by any living thing.  Hugs do a world of good to any breathing human.

{Hosea} SheReadsTruth

Maybe you know this.  I love Hosea.  It seems that the Lord always leads me to this book of the Bible in times that I most need it, but rarely recognize the need.  This time was no different.

{Do you ever do the devotionals on shereadstruth? You should.  It's so good.}

I have always loved how sweet the Lord is to pursue and cherish and redeem us. Over and over and over and over and over again.  But as I read the words of Hosea this time, and different scripture from the devotionals, I just ached and wept over my sin.  Over my lust and waywardness.  Over the idols that I pursue and cherish and love -- over and over and over and over again.

I've been praying for God to reveal my sin to me.  I've been pleading daily that He would show me the depth of my sin so I can see the magnitude of His forgiveness and grace.  Because, in all honesty, I'm not sure if I've ever seen myself as sinful and bad and disgusting as I really am.

As it turns out, I really love myself.  But be not confused: I don't love my body and I struggle daily with that.  I don't see my good features or fruit that the Lord is producing in me.  I just love me.  I really think I'm great and that other people should want to be like me and be around me and be me.  Ugh.  I hate writing that. My sin is awful.  And that's just the beginning.

I cherish idols.  Idols that don't seem like idols to you are huge barriers in seeking the face of God for me.  I've made idols out of my phone, working out, eating food, serving, being a mom and a wife...  It's just that I've turned good gifts from the Lord into carved images of worldly delight.  All at the cost of knowing more of Jesus.  All in the name of doing good.  All because I love the world more than I love Jesus.

Hosea was told to love and marry a harlot.  And he did.  He never gave up and he even bought his whore back into his life with the price you would have paid for a slave.  Hosea sought her and loved her and, even when it seemed hopeless, fought for his bride.

Does this sound familiar?

It's God.  That is what He did for me, for us.  He never gives up on His people. He paid for our ransom through the blood of Christ. He leads us into the wilderness to speak tenderly to us, to call us His own (Hosea 2).  Even when the world intices us and leads us astray, even when our idols stand tall and burdensome over us -- He doesn't walk away.

Hosea is a hard book.  The words can be harsh and they can open wounds of hurt. But the words are powerful and real and healing.  We see how it should have been for us.  We see the anger of God burning, righteously and jealously for his people.  We should be dead in our sin. (see Ephesians 2)  But GRACE prevailed.  We didn't get what our sin deserved because Jesus paved a better way, through His death on the cross.  Through amazing love.

So return. Over and over Hosea calls us to "return to the Lord".  He will heal us, He will come (Hosea 6).  Return, seek Him, break up your dry ground and let the Lord rain righteousness upon you (Hosea 10:12).  By the help of your God, return and wait. (Hosea 12:6). Return to Him.  He's waiting to heal your waywardness and love you freely (Hosea 14:4).

Don't miss Him -- the Provider of your good things, the Satisfier of your soul, the One who cares gently for you, the One you ushers you to repentance, the One who calls you to rest in Him, the One who is enough.

Return.  Repent.  Rest.  It's a beautiful mess, a worthy struggle, a daring adventure.  Be His. You are His one, true love...

Being a mom is not a burden...

Lately I've found myself saying "my children are not a burden" or "it's not a burden to be a mom" to several people, in several circumstances.  And the more I think about it, the more I know I'm being honest. But I wonder how often my children feel like they are a burden simply because of a sinful reaction or a harsh word.

Being a momma is hard work.  It requires more of us than, I'm certain, we thought we had in us. Ever, ever. There are days of exhaustion and tears.  There are days of laughter and smiles.  And then there are days in-between.  Sometimes it's difficult to pull yourself out of the mundane, the lonely, or the chaos of any day.

Just because I feel burdened by whatever is overwhelming me, never means I should make those around me feel like they are the burden.

How often do I let out an exasperated sigh because I've been interrupted {again} for something I thought I took care of already.

How often do my eyes roll at the sound of "Moooommmmyyyy!!!"?

How often do I cross my arms when I talk with my husband or children? Indicating that I am unhappy and unwilling to show grace.

How often do I, in an overwhelming moment, shout at my child or push them away when I need to be gentle and loving instead?

How often to I expect my children to come to my level, when I should be bending down to theirs.

Being a mom is not a burden. 
My sin is a burden and causes me to think of myself first, and not my family.

I want to learn the difference between "overwhelmed and need a quick break" and "burdened".  I bet I would find that most of my snappy words and harsh eye tricks are the result of "too much at once with a great reliance on myself". Or even more simply, the result of loving myself {my wants and my desires} way more than I should. I wonder if I took a step back, a deep breath and a said quick prayer, if my sin would be easier to control in the heat of the moment.

We all have different struggles within our homes.  Some have strong-willed children, some have high needs children, some have children who are easily overlooked -- but I guarantee that we all look around and see each child as a gift and treasure. Even in the mess. No matter how God chose to sanctify and grow us in motherhood, each little child in our flock is such a precious gift!  And sometimes in the daily grind, we forget to see that these sweet babes won't be with us long at all.

The beauty of being a momma to little children only lasts until they become big -- and then we have empty nests and quiet rooms and hearts that long for just one more night time feeding or one more walk hand-in-hand, or just one more snuggle and kiss before bed.  Let's not take these days for granted.  Let's not let our sin make motherhood feel like a burden.  Because it's not.

I long to be a woman of gentleness and grace, a woman who is valued because of my "good deeds" toward those I love {see 1 Timothy 2}.  I long to be a woman who loves her husband and children selflessly and joyfully.  That is my calling, friends, but never a burden.

On being a mom...

Before I had children, there was very little "real life" parenting that I saw day to day.  I babysat and got to play with small children.  I taught a three year old Sunday school class and adored spending time with those sweet faces each week.

But when we lived in Texas I spent a lot of time with a dear friend who loved Jesus and lived out her life -- good and bad and beautiful and hard -- for me every day.  Being a mom looked harder than I previously thought!  I'm grateful for her real life love because those two years prepared me for motherhood in incredible ways!

Now after three babes of my own, I realize that I know less and have nothing to offer without the grace of God.  It's a true saying that the more children you have and the longer you are a parent, the less you know and the more humble you become.  God did not give us the joy of parenthood without the beautiful {and sometimes painful} santifaction that comes with it!

Patrick was in Africa all of last week and there were some things that happened that just made me think "this is being a mom".  I was alone at home with my children -- one in a cast, one small baby and one four year old {does that say enough?}.  God provided richly with abundant grace and patience and kindness and meals.  It was a sweet and difficult week.

Either way, sometimes being a mom is hard.  All of the time being a mom is the most fabulous job in the world.

Sometimes being a mom means sitting on your child to give him medicine.  And crying with him because it breaks your heart.

Sometimes being a mom looks like more TV shows or movies than you ever thought your children could watch -- simply for survival.

Sometimes being a mom means letting your children sit with their best friends at church so everyone can be happy for an hour.

Sometimes being a mom means eating the chocolate sprinkle donut you got for your child because he suddenly decides that your donut of choice looks much tastier.

Sometimes being a mom means waking up so very early with a smile on your face so your children never, ever think they are a burden.

Sometimes being a mom looks like little hands constantly touching your head and face and legs and arms.

Sometimes being a mom means getting A LOT of kisses and hugs.

Sometimes being a mom means that a two hour break changes everything and suddenly you can conquer the world!

Sometimes being a mom means giving up your much anticipated time at the local Y because your sweet toddler has a cast on his foot and cannot walk.

Sometimes being a mom means that carrying a toddler with a cast IS your daily workout.

Sometimes being a mom means making the most of days when no one naps.

Sometimes being a mom means creating things out of paper and cardboard that you would rather throw away, but you know that it will make your boys very happy.

Sometimes being a mom means sitting down, forgetting the world and playing knights and castles while cooing to a baby...

Even on the hard days, even when I have no personal space {read: never}, even when days seem long, even when I have to give up my donut {and I don't even really like donuts!} -- the days turn into fast years and I don't want to think that this work was in vain.  This job, being a mom, is exactly what I've been called to do...and I'm determined, by the grace and strength of God, to do it with joy!

Finding rest in Him...

I've learned a lot this past year.  I have changed a lot this year.  We have changed as a family.  Transitions are happening and it's beautiful {and hard}. There is not much of me to go around, but I'm needed and required on so many levels right now that it's simply impossible to do all that needs to be done.  Yet, as I serve Jesus more and give myself more, I find such peace and joy and rest -- in Him.

I was once taught this: Change is your friend that brings you closer to Jesus.

Amen and amen.  I will never forget those words, or the perspective behind them. They have carried me a good distance on this rocky road we've walked.  The Lord has blessed me so much with joy -- in change and in routine.  There are certainly days that are hard and overwhelming, but most of my days have laughter and smiles and joy.

Mostly, over the last few months, I've found great joy and encouragement in these words: 

"Find your rest and relaxation in the rhythm of serving Christ."

I may be tired, but I serve a God who never grows weary -- so I can keep caring for my children and serving my husband.  I may feel hurt or overwhelmed or burden, but I serve a God who heals wounds and binds up broken hearts -- so I can give more of myself to my husband and children and friends.  I may be proud or selfish or frustrated, but I serve a God who takes away my sin -- so I can be free to love and encourage others.  He refreshes me and reminds me of grace more times a day than I can count and it's by that grace that I can rest as I serve Him.

I have found great joy in serving Christ in the calling I have received.  I love that my job is to stay at home with babies and do laundry and run errands and dust shelves and mop floors and make food and love my husband and enjoy my husband and help my friends by watching their kids or making meals or inviting them over for coffee.  That's my "JOB"! I get to love people.  I get to clean my home.  I get to make fun memories.  I get to disciple my children.  I get to walk hand in hand with the most fantastic man, ever.  And that is how I am serving Christ.  Even when I'm exhausted or stressed -- God takes care of me because I am serving Him.  I can give more of myself because I know that God is giving Himself to me as I serve.

There are always lessons of boundaries and saying "no".  There are days when nothing gets done except discipline and survival.  There are days when we sit and relax and enjoy being together.  And there are days of constant errands and places to be.  There are days of minimal discipline and a lot of smiles!  Either way, it's sweet to know that God is teaching me and growing me as I serve Him with all that I have.  He is so kind to reveal Himself to me on days when I cannot see clearly and on days when everything seems right.

When I am hiding His word in my heart, when I'm praying for my family and friends, when I am worshipping Him in song, when we worship Him together as a family each night, when we worship Him by noticing the leaves changing or the sunrise blazing in the morning sky -- I am finding rest and relaxation in Him.  And that is the most satisfying rest I've ever had...

Being wise...part 1

My prayers, recently, have been pleading for wisdom.

Not for anything in particular, but simply to be wise -- to seek The Lord with all of my heart, to long for understanding and more of His word.

There are a few passages that I can't stop reading and praying through.

I love when that happens.

Here is the first...

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." 

Ephesians 5:15-17

Am I making the best of these days?  
These fleeting and precious days that I will never, ever get back.  
Am I seeking the will of the Lord instead of my own will? 
Am I content in serving Him as He has called me right now -- as a wife and momma?
Am I looking carefully at where my feet and eyes and heart are going?

The best of these days could simply be smiling in the face of messes or walking hand in hand with tiny boys.
The best of these days could be snuggling a cooing baby girl, smiling and talking with her for however long she will let me.
The best of these days may look a little dirty or cluttered.
The best of these days is not necessarily the grandest or most perfect or biggest.
It doesn't look over the top.  It isn't rotten or awful, either.

The best of my days is falling on my knees, at the feet of His abundance of love and grace and strength when I do not have any at all.
The best of my days is laughing and smiling, and shrugging my shoulders at chaos.
The best of my days is knowing when to draw lines and boundaries.
The best of my days is also knowing when to let other serve and help.
The best of my days is embracing the call of motherhood with sheer joy and gratitude -- despite discipline and disobedience {because that's all part of the call, too}.
The best of my days is loving my husband and serving him -- not because I have to and not because I want him to serve and love me, but because I absolutely delight in being a helper and partner and friend to him.

Being wise isn't an earth shattering, mind blowing, book reading, over your head characteristic -- it's simply knowing that your heart is best kept in the hands of the Almighty and your days are best lived under His sovereignty.  And I truly love that.

Oh Lord, make me wise with my days and allow me the humility and grace to make the best of each day You have given me...

On having three children...

When we got pregnant, I asked my friends a lot of preparation questions.  Two of my dearest friends have three children and I picked their brains and hearts over and over again to find out what I should expect and what I should do to prepare.  I am not too proud to seek their guidance and know my limits! I'm so grateful for their wisdom and honesty.

Bottom line: Have NO expectations and pray.

So for nine months, that's just what I did.  I would pray fervently for Benjamin and Andrew in the transition.  I prayed for Elise, that she would be joyful and content and a good sleeper.  I prayed that I wouldn't rush myself or feel like I needed to do all things at all times.  I prayed for Patrick and I to remain united and grow through the transition from two to three kids.  And I prayed for a lot of grace and patience and to have zero expectations!

There have been hard days around here in the last four weeks.  There have been tears on my part, some on Elise's part and a lot on Benjamin and Andrew's part.  There have been hard nights.  There have been easy nights.  There has been an incredible amount of apologizing to Patrick and the boys on my part -- there is nothing like newborn days to draw the sin out of you!

But we have has sweet moments.  We have had really great days.  We have run errands and visited friends. We have had help from friends, we have had visitors and we had Mimi for a whole week!  We have enjoyed dinner out, but mostly dinners in.  We have enjoyed church and community group and Target and Bass Pro Shop.  Life has simply carried on.

My lack of expectations, for the most part, have assisted greatly in getting through each day.  As long as I get Benjamin to school and pick him up on time -- I consider that day a success!  Added bonuses are cleaning and errands running :) But, truth be told, I have only gotten through each day with a smile and sanity because of God's grace.  He has faithfully met my needs daily.  He has allowed me to get enough sleep to function and care for my family.  He has sanctified me through tough nights and tantrums and feeling unstable and incapable.  He has reminded me that HE gives strength to the weary and cares for the weak.  My God cares for me, as I care for the little flock He gave me -- His word is clear that He will and He has been faithful to me. (See Isaiah 40!)

It's only been four weeks that I have been a mother of THREE children.  Some days are good, some are not good.  But each day and each moment is such a treasure.  I've learned how fleeting these moments are.  I've recognized the importance of the work I am doing.  And I do not take it lightly.

I'm so grateful to be right here, right now.  I love that God has called me to this season of busyness and tiny hands and hugs and hearts that I get to hold and teach and love.  I may be tired, I may be weary, I may not remember what I did this morning, but I know this: My calling as a mother is high and holy and a true joy.

No fear.

I'm on the VBS directors team and it has been good and hard and long preparation, as we get everything together so we can teach small children about the love of God.  It's an incredible blessing to be behind the scenes -- no matter how hard the work may be.

Our verse for this year is 1 Timothy 1:7 -- 
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind." 
(That's the NASB version, which is the one we chose to use for everything for VBS.)

I wasn't sure what God was doing when He called me to be apart of this team.  And I wasn't sure how He would use this verse to teach me and challenge me and grow me over the last six months.  I just knew He would.

I had my speculations -- of course.   I figured that we would have another miscarriage and I would be working through trusting God's plan for us and not fearing that my desires would be on hold.  I thought, perhaps, that something bad would happen and I would just have to trust and not fear if we lost everything/someone died/etc.  My mind is an awful place sometimes, people.

But these last six months have proven that I'm so small and God is so big and gracious -- in all things. I have come to Him with fears of having a little girl and being so scared I will ruin her.  I have come to my God with pregnancy anxiety, rather than miscarriage hurt.  I have sought His face in sickness and while being lead into a season of deeper sacrifice and selflessness. I have called upon the Lord as a tornado hurled toward our home while Patrick was out of town. It's been so sweet to remember, constantly, that God has given me a spirit of power, love and sound mind/self-discipline -- He has given me HIS Spirit.

I love this so much.

source: http://www.chelsileigh.com/2012/05/bible-verse-printables.html
FYI -- you can print this baby for free!

I love to tell His story... part 7

This post is very much fluid with the previous post, but just too much to write out at once...but it is the last one!

The next round happened and brought out fear and faith as we endured a miscarriage.  While it was an early loss -- it was so hard to face the fact that we seemed so close, but that it was not God's timing or His plan.  I did blog about that openly, so you could see God's faithfulness and kindness.  And for His glory. 

{"I knew"}

We prayerfully decided to do the {what we thought was the} last round of clomid we were allowed.  We didn't tell many people and those we did tell walked faithfully beside us with a lot of prayer, support, laughter and tears.  I'll never be able to tell these three friends how their faithful friendship has changed me and made me more of the woman I am.  At the end of this round, though I did have a follicle and did a trigger shot, it was not a baby.  I started my period and it was heavy.  Heavier than the miscarriage, even.  

It seemed to be cleansing, in so many ways.

I called the doctor and was told that he was retiring at the end of January and I could do one more round of clomid.  We chose to try it and figured we would try once more before stepping back for awhile.  Faithful saints prayed fervently for us and we submitted ourselves to whatever the Lord would chose to do.  My friends prayed over me.  Patrick and I sought counsel and prayed together earnestly.  

And mostly, we trusted God. 

I had three follicles that, by the end, turned into one big and healthy follicle.  I did the trigger shot and was told I would have to take a pregnancy test at home and find somewhere else to do blood work -- since my doctor was retiring. This was hard, since we had never had such flexibility and surprise in pregnancy testing.  And because it felt like we were being left alone. 

But we know this, God never, ever leaves His children alone.

We waited and prayed and I sought the face of God with a deep yearning for His favor and mercy.  This was our eighth round of clomid in ten months.  It wasn't looking promising at this point, but we know God as a God of miracles.  And so you know, statistically speaking, it's very unusual for a pregnancy to occur after this many times.  Still, I was hopeful and confident in what God could do -- but humble enough to not expect anything.

So I took a pregnancy test a few days earlier than I was suppose to take it.  But there were two pink lines -- and I was three weeks and five days pregnant.  I don't think I can express the shock and humility and gratitude I felt.  I told Patrick and we prayed and gave God the glory.  A few days later, I called my midwife for blood work and my HCG came back at 315! My progesterone was low and she was concerned.  Being so kind, she got me into another fertility doctor the next day and we saw our sweet miracle ten days later at 6 weeks.  Two weeks later we saw the baby again and I was released to my midwife for good.

And so I sit here, still humbled and grateful, 12 weeks {and a few days} pregnant.  I know that this was undeserved, but simply a gift from a loving God who heard our prayers and the prayers of faithful friends calling out on our behalf {and our sweet Benjamin who prayed daily for another baby}. This is such a treasure to us and I cannot wait to share with this beautiful baby the testimony God gave for the beginning of its life.  As hard as the last year was, I would never change it.  I wouldn't trade it or give it up.  The ways I found the Lord, grew in the Lord and the ways He revealed Himself to me -- these are priceless gifts that I will treasure and enjoy forever.

God has allowed me to see fear and anxiety as I begin to consider our miscarriage in this pregnancy.  He has lead me to peace and reminds me that He alone gives and takes away life. He has lead me to scripture so I don't forget His faithfulness.   He has, in all of this, brought me into the wilderness and spoken tenderly to me {see Hosea 2}.  He has given my heart hope -- that is an anchor for my soul -- in Jesus. He has lead me from the valley into rivers of joy -- in ways that I never expected and would never change. 

Getting pregnant is hard for us, but it's not hard for God. He has given us a gift -- again-- of a child.  A gift I was told so many years ago that I would never have.  But He did, God gave -- for His glory, because He is good -- not because of me or anything I did.

And do you know my favorite part of His story? It doesn't end.  He is always moving and transforming us.  He is always loving us and changing us and making us more His.  And my God, the God Most High -- He is sovereign and good and faithful no.matter.what.  I love that I get to tell His story...

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to YOUR name be the glory." Psalm 115:1

{PS. Thank you for praying for us.  Thank you for enduring this series.  Praise the God who knows all things and loves us so deeply!}

I love to tell His story... part 6

This post will take the most out of me emotionally.

This time of remembering God's faithfulness will likely bring me to a few points of tears and deep sighs.

That's why I love His story -- 

it's not always what we want it to be, or think it will be. 

Praise Him for the faithfulness He surrounds us with.

I found a little "hole" around my belly button after Christmas.  We went to the ER and found out it was a hernia and should be repaired.  After visiting with a few doctors we had the surgery scheduled.  This all took place in about three weeks -- fast! 

We were also praying about what to do about another baby.  Do we try clomid again? Do we adopt? Do we wait? Are we a two kid family? Or more?  After much prayer we decided to pursue adoption.  But after a three week period of applying, being accepted and then finding out that things couldn't process for us another two years -- we stepped back to re-evaluate. 

I had my hernia repaired and was told I couldn't do anything for four weeks.  Thus began, without a doubt, the most humbling situation I've ever endured.  Patrick certainly couldn't take a month off of work to care for me, the boys and our home -- so our friends stepped in.  Sarah {my sister-in-law} came down for six days to help.  And then each day after that there was a friend or two here from the time Patrick left for work until he got home from work.
There was dinner on our table and our laundry was washed and folded.
My home was clean and my boys cared for.
And I did none of it. 

I laid in bed or on the couch.  

I longed to carry my baby.  

I longed to pick up Benjamin and hold him tight.  

I longed to serve Patrick.  

But I couldn't.  Our dear friends sacrificed their time to haul their family to our home and care for it as diligently as their own.  I don't think I'll ever be able to say thank you enough for this kindness the body of Christ showed us.  I was changed because of this love.

Healing happened and life started to get back to normal.  We decided to try clomid for a few rounds and see how that worked.  Looking back we should have waited a few more months after my surgery, but we were making decisions the best we could.  And I could have been more patient -- there was so much pride and selfishness in my heart around having another baby.

We started clomid {and all that entails} in April 2012. After two unsuccessful rounds, we took a month off per the advice of my doctor. We did another round and it worked so well that I had SIX follicles.  Due to the increase risk of multiples and my body being at risk for a slew of things -- my doctor advised us not to do the trigger shot and to reverse ovulation before it could occur.  Patrick, being rational, was fine with this. I cried for hours and had no problem with the risk of having eight babies.  Either way, the round was stopped.

Patrick and I spent a long weekend in San Diego and it was so incredible.  No drugs, just us and walking and talking and eating good food.  That was necessary and just what we needed. God was kind to provide and allow this during this season of life.

We got back to real life and started another round of clomid -- this time I had a follicle! The first "real and successful" round in the medical world.  I was so excited and couldn't wait to see two pink lines.  But I didn't.  I started my period and was so angry that I couldn't even talk to anyone about the pain and hurt and disappointment I was feeling. I cried constantly.

I wrestled with God after this.  We took a month off because I couldn't figure out why this wouldn't work -- I was so emotional and overwhelmed.  Infertility can be so lonely and consuming and this month, I felt that weight and burden heavily. But this round spurred an incredible transformation in me.  While I had been praying and seeking the Lord during the last five months -- it was all so self motivated and full of my desires and what I wanted.  It came to a screeching halt after this round and God moved in me.

If I thought my "freedom movement" was transforming and life changing -- well, it's because I had not lived this year yet!  My faith became real and deep.  And, as I look over previous blogs, my heart was so burdened and willing to change.  I chose not to blog openly about this infertility process -- for whatever reason -- and I'm glad because of all the other good {God} stuff that came out of it. I spent so many days on my knees in prayer and seeking the Lord through scripture.  

This season -- which started so innocently and with a simple desire for another child -- turned into a deep valley and a season of God's transforming grace and goodness.  I learned in this season, through a great movement of God's power, that my heart really desired God's glory -- however He chose to use me and move in our family.  I learned that I was not able to create life and that my hope cannot be in medicine or doctors or my own strength.  I learned a lot while I was on my knees and resting in the comfort of God's word.

But this season wasn't over yet.  In fact, we faced things far more difficult and emotional.  But I was in a better place.  I was ready and willing and being transformed.  And praise God for His wisdom and kindness in bringing me here...

I love to tell His story... part 5

Sometimes I think God gives you words for different seasons. 

The next season of our life was good and hard -- 

but looking back I just can't help to not think of the word "beautiful".  

It was a beautiful mess.  A beautiful redemption. A beautiful growth.  

A beautiful release and renewal. 

Adjusting to a new city can be hard, but not this time around! Lucky for Patrick and Benjamin, I am an explorer! I will always find something new or something fun or something to do.  I love experience and I can always find it.  

And it's good for them to be pushed out of their comfort zone.

We settled into Edmond quickly and began "church shopping".  We tried about six before going back to one of the first ones -- Henderson Hills.  We loved the truth spoken and the unashamed preaching of the gospel.  It was {er, is} a little big, but God was mighty there.  And everything centered on Him.  We tried a new flock {small group} for a few weeks, but it didn't feel like the right fit.  We just felt -- out of place.  And that's okay.

That summer, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer.  I felt so awful and so helpless to be 1800 miles away.  I often wondered if moving was the right thing -- although I knew it was. I prayed so much for her and so many people I knew were praying for her.  It was so sweet to see the body pray for my mom -- for someone they didn't know at all. 

I started going to counseling by myself sometime after July.  It was beyond good for my soul.  And incredible for my heart.  My counselor loved the Lord and prayed for me.  He encouraged me to process and work through things that always held me back.  He taught me how to think a little more rationally and helped me understand {and love} how I was made.  He also told me that I was the most emotional person he had ever met.  At least he knew God made me that way. 

I would spend time in counseling yearly if I could.  SO much healing started in his office, by the grace of God.

By the time August rolled around, we decided that we wanted to start trying for another baby.  We had "tried" on our own for about five months -- but that was clearly not working.  We accepted that we weren't one of those "it will happen the second time without ever trying and you'll be so surprised" couples.  We were a clomid couple -- that's the lot the Lord laid out for us and we have walked it with confidence and hope in Him. 

Much to our surprise we got pregnant on the first round of clomid.  I was absolutely certain it would be just the same as before -- but God, in His kindness and sovereignty -- showed me His plan and ways were much better.  I threw up almost daily until I was about 16 weeks pregnant with Andrew.  Everyone thought I was having a girl and I didn't care either way.  God blessed us with another sweet baby!

We joined a new flock and instantly knew we had found a "home" within our church.  The life and love and passion for the Lord among these people was incredible.  We were all in the same season of life and hanging out was easy.  In fact, my three closest friends are girls I met in this flock! Our lives were changed and are still changing because of the beautiful friendships God provided here.

Pregnancy with Andrew was one of the harder times in our marriage.  I was a complete mess emotionally and mentally {despite all the counselor help! ha.} and Patrick was having a hard time dealing with me.  In fact, at one point I am pretty sure he mentioned never wanting me to be pregnant again.  It was that bad and that hard.  A beautiful mess, even.

I had a few scares in this pregnancy that sent  me to the ER.  God always keeps me on my toes and on my knees in prayer, friends! But Andrew was always fine and we rested in God's care.  Toward the end of my pregnancy, my midwife noticed some heart issues that lead us to a lot of prayer, ultrasounds and pediatric cardiologists.  God made Andrew's little heart develop a little slower than others and we waited until delivery to make sure everything finished up well.

Andrew's labor and delivery was great {again}. We had fun and despite being a little longer than Benjamin's, it was so much easier.  Andrew slid right out, and almost into the toilet, and instantly brought joy.  He was small and snuggly and didn't look anything like Benjamin. But his heart closed up fine and we rejoiced in God's faithful hand and that He made all things good {even if it meant there as a heart issue}. {Andrew's birth story}

The transistion to two was a breeze and a lot of fun, really. There were hard days, for sure, but the reality of one more didn't phase us like having our first baby! It was just the four of us and we made the most of each day.  Getting up to nurse a little baby wasn't too hard and God allowed Benjamin to go through a really great napping season! Being a family of four was so good and so sweet.

That fall, God began an incredible work in me and also in our marriage. I started {what I affectionately call} "Freedom Movement 2011".  God started revealing so much baggage and sin in my life.  I wrestled with God daily and struggled through so many truths.  And I don't think I've stopped this "freedom movement".  I'll never be the same -- and I couldn't be more grateful.  God changed me in a thousand ways through that season.  

And I'm better for it -- or maybe more His through it.

We read "What did you expect?" by Paul Tripp with our flock and that rocked us.  Our marriage took a beautiful turn and we started talking about things that were never discussed.  We repented and confessed. We prayed and loved and listened.  It was wonderful...and hasn't stopped, either.  We are always praying for our  marriage and our relationship.  We know where we have been -- and we never want to see that side of things again! There is so much good in change and growth and more of Jesus in a marriage!

And so this season went -- change and grow, renew and repent, learn and love and listen.  In my life, in our marriage, in our family. But little did I know that this entire change was only being made to prepare us for the next season, for the test and the struggle.  Praise God for His timing, for His promises and for His plans...

I love to tell His story... part 4

Having a baby is hard.  

I mean -- overwhelming and makes you crazy hard.

Even though most of my friends had babies -- and I was around babies nearly everyday for the last five years -- there is absolutely NOTHING that can prepare you for having your very first and very own tiny little baby.

We were on our own, mostly, and didn't have much help.  Looking back, though, it only made us stronger and closer.  Benjamin was a sweet baby who did not like to sleep and loved to eat.  Having a newborn brought me into a season of selflessness like I had never, ever known -- learning to thrive and function on very little sleep,       mastering the art of one-handed everything and try to enjoy each moment, good and hard.  All while fighting my sinful nature and trying to get over myself.

But I do love the kindness of the Lord.  When you are so unaware and feel so inadequate -- He comes and sweeps you off your feet and reminds you {again} that it's Him.  It's always Him.  And He is always enough and good and more than capable and willing to carry you.  I love being in the tender arms of a loving God.

Nothing has brought me to my knees more or caused me to seek the face of the Lord more consistently than motherhood.  And I'm confident that motherhood is a great method of constant sanctification.  I remember when Benjamin was about six weeks old, I finally got him to sleep. Then I laid him down, walked into the kitchen, fell to my knees and cried deeply and hysterically -- all because I realized how little I could do and how much I could not handle without relying on the Lord. I was so tired and being a mom was so hard.

Praise God for grace and patience!

God grew all of us, just as He does, over the first year of Benjamin's little life. 

We learned how to live and love and be a little family. 

We started realizing how special and precious and beautiful this was 

-- our own little family. 

We still explored and had fun and laughed.  

We cried and struggled and made mistakes.

You know, we just lived life.

I don't know if I would have survived the first year without my friend Meghan.  We were both new moms -- within 3 weeks -- and both lonely and overwhelmed.  We went so many places together.  We grew together and changed together.  We walked around the mall more time than I can count.  And we walked to town together more times than that. I'm forever grateful that God placed her in my life right then and there.

In fact, I wish I could go through each season of my life and mention each friend that changed me forever.  It seems that God always provided a friend {or a few} that have been more like family and cared deeply for us.  I will forever be thankful that God has allowed me to see the beauty of authentic friendships. And I can only pray that God used me to bless them as they have blessed me!

As the year went on, we had lived in Indiana longer than anywhere else in our marriage.  But it seemed God was doing something bigger than both of us.  Our hearts were becoming unsettled and our perspectives were starting to change.  We were recognizing and realizing things that we needed to do -- for us, for our little family.  One thing we felt strongly about was this: "Seek first my kingdom and my righteousness..." Especially Patrick.  God was changing him and moving in him in great ways to care for all of us spiritually and emotionally.

Things were changing even more at Patrick's job and he decided that he would start looking for another job.  He looked in the area surrounding us, but found nothing.  And late one night -- on a whim -- he submitted his resume to Chesapeake.  I came out of Benjamin's room and Patrick said, "I just put my resume in at Chesapeake,  in Oklahoma." 

Oh...okay.

I know this, if ever I have been anything as a wife -- it has been willing to go wherever God has lead my husband.  Wherever  my husband may go, I will always go too. So I smiled {maybe with shock and wide eyes} and prayed and waited.

God moved quickly.  Patrick had an interview scheduled within two days of submitting his resume and a week later flew down to Oklahoma.  He went down on a Wednesday and came home on a Friday.  And by the time he got home, he had an offer.  After much prayer and conversation we knew that God wanted this to happen and we felt so excited about it.  Job accepted and the whirlwind began!

Two weeks before Benjamin's first birthday we flew to OKC for four days to look for a home.  I had never been to Oklahoma and being around a bigger city was somewhat intimidating after living in a small town for three and half years.  We looked at nearly 40 homes {in person and on paper} in four days.  We toured the Chesapeake campus and got to know OKC and Edmond a little more. 

One of the last houses we looked at was great.  A good price and size and we both liked it! They accepted our offer and needed to move out as soon as we need to get in! Things were falling into place in only ways that the Lord could provide.  Our house in Indiana sold after only six days on the market.  

Then it became real -- and we knew that just five weeks later, we would be living in Oklahoma.

We got home and started packing and making phone calls, all while preparing and planning Benjamin's first birthday party.  The Lord cared diligently for my heart and mind during this time.  It was hard to leave and hard to think about not living in this place we thought we would call home forever.  But as I prayed and sought Him, He grew my excitement and allowed me to really make the most of the last five weeks we had in Indiana.

And of all the places we live, I miss Indiana the most when I let myself think about it.  I really grew to love that city and got to know so many people and places there.

We joyfully celebrated Benjamin's first year of life with our friends and family.  And then, two weeks later we watched the movers pack our home and we drove to Morgantown for Easter.  Two days later, we jumped into our car with Benjamin fast asleep in his carseat and Piper in the back -- and drove through the night to Tulsa.  We stayed with friends in Tulsa and got up the next morning and made our way to Edmond.  The hour and a half drive felt like the longest part of the trip.

When we drove into Edmond, we stopped by a friend's house {isn't God sweet to provide people we knew in OKC!?} and they watched Benjamin.  We drove to closing, signed papers and then went to buy a truck for Patrick.  We like to call that "one-of-the-most-expensive-days-of-our-lives".  The next day the movers came and unloaded our stuff. 

And then, we made a new home...in a place that has never, ever felt like anything other than "home".  The moment we moved here, Edmond just felt like the place we were always meant to be.  And I can't tell you how sweet that feeling is to us!

To be continued.... :)

I love to tell His story... part 3

Hard seasons can make strong and courageous people.

And I believe, even more, that hard seasons -- endured through seeking the face of God -- make humble and grateful people.

It's just that sometimes, you don't know when hard seasons will end.

Sometimes, you don't know that hard seasons are actually really, absolutely life changing -- until you're on the other side. 

Praise God for His guidance and grace!

Our move to Indiana was hard.  

Mostly on me.

I was alone, again, and still dealing with the death of my dad.  I was trying to figure things out in a small town.  I was exploring and seeing life, but feeling so displaced and out of touch. Even still, God was near and I read Psalm 34 over and over again.

The spiritual part of Indiana was hard.  It seemed so dull and so empty.  But we had just moved from Texas where churches were abundant.  It was hard to settle into a church in a small town.  Or even at all -- church or town.  

I don't remember a lot from the first few months in Indiana.  But eventually we found friends and moved from a small townhouse into a small house on the other side of town.  I could walk everywhere.  That was wonderful. The Lord knew what I needed right then.  He knew what would make my heart feel at home.

The "dream job" Patrick had started turned into a really hard situation of him being gone a lot on rigs.  There was an upside of him coming home for lunch everyday! He was unhappy at his job and I was unhappy watching him do his job.  

And I guess I can mention the farm.  A constant source of contention.  A place that fulfilled so many dreams and longings in Patrick -- and made me a lonely and sad wife.  I tried to love that farm.  And I worked hard to help everyone get jobs done on all that land.  But my heart was resentful and bitter that our lives were so consumed with this thing -- this place -- that had nothing but trees and brought not much more than debt.  God has since healed both of us from this and it has only made us more aware and united.  Talk about a life lesson!

Our infertility struggle reached a point of desperation.  We had been trying for three years and had taken several doses of medicines that had helped so many women with PCOS.  Just not me.  I didn't know it then, but my heart was so hurt and so beaten through this process. God was kind to care for me, even though I was blind to my sin and pain.

We went to our first infertility appointment on November 20th, 2007 -- our 3rd anniversary.  The doctor was sweet and hopeful and told me I had one of the worse cases of PCOS she had seen.  But she was still hopeful.  Our next step was Clomid.  We were allowed three rounds before we had to move forward with something more invasive. Thus began a very long and hard season.  So many lonely and tear-filled drives to Pittsburgh.  Only to be stuck with needles or have an ultrasound -- and drive two hours back home. {traffic was awful!}

I blogged about those rounds very honestly and very openly, and I'm glad.  Looking back it gives me such a deep look into where my heart was.  You may know this, but round one ended in a miscarriage -- on Patrick's birthday.  It was sad and painful.  And I think I was just confused and hurt that it didn't work. 

{Want to read each round in detail? round one. round two. round three.}

We waited for round two because we were going to Europe.  What a sweet trip.  Such a good trip for our hearts and our marriage.  {Maybe not great for my wander lust -- since it has propelled in me a deep desire to go somewhere, always.} It was nice to take a break and move forward a little.  At this point we had been trying for three years {and a few months} and a six week break seemed like nothing in that process.

Round two was unsuccessful.  I didn't even ovulate. But I did hear an incredible sermon as I was driving to my last appointment. It sort of changed my perspective in a powerful way.  God knew what I needed to hear and how my heart need to change -- and that it did. The speaker said that when we fail to seek and see God in trials we'll miss the miracle, the transformation, the testimony and the intimacy. And friends, this has been my perspective ever since.

We moved forward to round three and from the doctors view and from mine -- our chances weren't looking good.  I went in for blood work every other day for so many days.  I didn't ovulate when she wanted me to, my numbers didn't look as good as they should.  Yet, in all of this, God knew.  And by an incredible act of His grace and mercy -- Benjamin's little life began! 

Pregnancy was overwhelming and hard.  I had so many leftover emotions and my struggle to stay postive was really hard some days. But I was so grateful and so humble that God would have such great favor on us.  It truly was a life-changing season.  And after nine months -- Benjamin came into the world a week late, quickly and easily and brought so much joy.  And so much change and hard days :)

{His birth story}

Surely the story does not end here -- but it just began, really.  I'll keep going next time and finish up our season in Indiana....

{I guess I didn't realize how many posts this would take! 

I do hope this isn't boring anyone!!!}

I love to tell His story... part 2

God has such a perfect way of doing things in our lives, even when everything looks so messy or displaced.

It's not.
It's just God writing His story.
In perfect detail.
With perfect sovereignty and glory.

I waited so long {or so it felt} for my "dream man" to come along.  I thought so many guys could have been just that.  But they were not.  And if I had been honest with myself, I would have known that before I ever developed a crush! Hindsight is always 20/20 -- and waiting was worth it.

Had I not gone to Venezuela for the summer, I wouldn't have changed the way I did.  Had I not changed, I wouldn't have had a renewed perspective on what I was doing with my life.  When I came back, I got a new and more secure job.  I started hanging out with friends more my age and eventually started looking for a new bible study.

And then there was this guy at church.
Out of no where!
He played piano.
He was really cute.
And I loved him.
I didn't know him, though :)

I met him at this new bible study and when I shook his hand -- I just knew it was him.  We started hanging out almost immediately and I knew that he was the one.  After two months of a lot of fun and exploring and talking we were engaged and five months later {after a long distance engagement} we were married and living in Texas. Whew!

That was the short version.

But everything in my life changed drastically and beautifully over the course of a week -- which turned into seven months.  And I wouldn't change a thing!  Patrick was just the man I was praying for and waiting for.  He was all things I hoped to have in a husband, and all things I never expected in my husband.  He's my exact and perfect opposite.  And he's my best friend.

This whirlwind adventure was just the beginning of my journey with Patrick! We were living in Texas without many friends, just the two of us!  Over time we found a great church and wonderful friends.  We traveled a lot and ate out a lot.  We watched movies and TV shows and talked and explored.  We were just -- newlyweds!  But to say our first year was hard would be an understatement.  We did, mind you, only know each other for seven months before saying "I do"!

There was so much to learn and a lot of ways to change.  We were practically alone and while it was hard to be away from family -- it was one of the biggest blessings we may ever know.  We just had each other and it formed such an incredible foundation for us.  And from that foundation we learned more about one another and grew together.  Our faith was refined and reformed.  Our desires molded together more and our expectations started to escape.

If being married wasn't hard enough we experienced things young couples don't always have to endure.  We found out that we couldn't get pregnant and began our infertility journey to babies just three months after we were married. I was so sad that getting pregnant would be so hard. Little did I know the journey it would take me on.

My dad died, suddenly, just a year and half into our marriage.  I was alone and hurt and sad and depressed. It brought out so much hurt in my life, and so many issues that needed to be worked on. Patrick and I went to counseling to work through it together. So much was happening -- and by God's grace, we worked through it together.  And in God's sovereignty, I studied Hosea just weeks before my dad died -- and it prepared me for this dark and hard time.

And then...we prepared to move to Indiana, PA.  Just two and half years into our time in Texas {and our marriage}.  God was moving our story and our adventure back to the North East.  And we were ready...

I love to tell His story...

I love that each of us have a different story in life.  

I love that God made it that way -- for His glory.

And what I love most is sharing His story of my life.  

I'm nothing special without the hands and plans of an incredible God.  Yet, here I am, in awe daily and living a life that I never could have imagined.   I didn't get to this place without struggle or trial, as you may know, but it was worth every second and every breath to get to this place.  As in -- today, this very moment.

Honestly, this very moment is nothing special either.  But it's a handful of beautiful wrapped up in the story God gave me:

My wonderful husband is giving my sweet boys a bath before we put them down for a little nap.  The dishwasher is running.  I'm drinking iced tea and making a meal plan and grocery list for this week. Our house is recovering from a four-year-old pirate birthday party.  

Little bits of every day life going on right now.

But listen, this life isn't what I thought I would be doing right now.  The plans God made for me have daily amazed me and bring me to my knees.  I haven't always known the love of God.  In fact, I was 16 when I became a believer.  But God knew then that I was His and carried me and protected me and pursed me. 

Lucky me.

My life changed so completely after I felt the fullness of God.  Not all changes were immediate, I was in high school and still so young.  But my heart was His and I had never, ever felt such love and acceptance in my life.  Which is really beautiful because I'm certain that all the choices I made {on my own} were to be loved and accepted by anyone and everyone.  That backfired often and left me lonely and feeling so lost.

Life wasn't easy and God still carried me and protected me and pursed me.  More and more I wanted Him alone and was captivated by His word.  I'm not sure if I'll ever know the extent of His care for me -- but looking back, I know that there were days that I wouldn't have eaten lunch or had gas money or been able to pay rent unless someone had been the hands and feet of Jesus helping me.  Seriously.  God gave to me through someone bringing me lunch, so I could pay for gas.  Or getting a random check in the mail that I wasn't expecting, getting to work a few extra hours -- And I didn't deserve it at all. He did that for me.  

God provided so I could experience the world.  He lead people to give so I could live in Santa Cruz for a summer and in Venezuela the next.  I was able to share the love of God with people -- and it was so humbling and so life changing.  I grew up so much through those experiences.

I learned the beauty of family and the depth of friendships through people loving me in the church.  I learned the difficulties of trusting God and walking by faith.  I learned to be okay with being different than my friends because I didn't finish college and I had no future stability or direction.  I learned how to pay bills and to ration money and to give generously.  I learned how to pay my debts and to not think the world revolved around me {although this is an on going lesson!}. I just knew that -- after all of this -- God would still be faithful to me and would care for me.  He has never let me down.

And you see, this isn't even the end!  This was just the first six years of me being a follower of Jesus.  His plan is always perfect and always satisfying and always good. 

I'll share more of His story next time....

Oh hey!

I'm still around.

Hi. Have you missed me? Don't answer that unless it's yes.

Life has our days and evenings pretty full.  But full of good things.  And full of things that constantly make me realize my need for Jesus so I can serve my husband and boys, care for and love my friends and fulfill other commitments required of us right now!

BUT to give you something to read, and to let you know that I'm alive, I thought I would pass along this article from the GirlTalk blog.  It was so encouraging to me to read about what a godly woman looks like and it's something I strive to work on daily.  I would love, at the end of my life, for this list to be true of me -- and how I lived!

I know, though, that there are so many things and places that need growth and maturity. I have not arrived. {and if I ever think so, correct me!} Praise God for grace and His patience with us!  There is always a sin to confess and a prayer to pray and scripture to read.  I love that about the Lord...He is always refreshing, always accepting and more than willing to change and love and grow us.

So, check out this post on "What a Godly Woman Looks Life". Hopefully it will encourage your heart, too!

Aaaaaannnnnd time to go.  Andrew is having an after-nap party in his crib and I need to join in on the fun!

God is love...

I've been thinking a lot about the "greatest commandment" lately.  And then I started reading 1 John and I had to think about it more.  The depth of the words "love the Lord your God will ALL of your heart, ALL of your soul, and ALL of your mind...and love your neighbor as YOURSELF" has been consuming me.

All of me.  

Just like I love myself.  

Do I even know what that means?

I am especially convicted as I consider my sinful state and then also remember that I'm privileged to raise two precious boys.  And all I do and say teaches them how to behave. When they are old enough to leave my care and live on their own, when my boys are men, I truly want them {more than any other thing} to know and live and believe that loving God with ALL of yourself and loving other more than yourself is the greatest and most fulfilling way to live {and love}.

That's a tall order.  

But I'm in this for the long haul.

And I want desperately for God to be glorified in my life and my children's lives.

How do I love God? Am I reflecting that love to my children? Do they see that God isn't a religion, something to believe in to me?  Do they see that my whole being desperately needs and lives for the Almighty Creator? Do I give God glory? Do I remember that I am clay? Do I live a life of repentance and confession in front of my boys? 

These are questions I don't know if I can answer right now. I feel like that will take days of self-evaluation and asking some questions to Patrick.  But I want to be able to answer "yes" to those questions.  Whether it's tomorrow or in five years, I want my life to be a living example of the power of the Cross -- freedom, redemption, glory, grace!

This I know: God is love. He gives abundantly and freely.  He fills and satisfies.  He is the only thing on this earth that could make me whole.  And He is the only thing that could make it possible for me to love Him with all of me and to love others with all of me.  What an incredible reminder to seek His face and call upon Him always.  Not just to love my boys and teach them to love -- but more that I can be a first hand example that loving God with all my heart, soul and mind is simply the most beautiful treasure that I could enjoy {or give}.

How do you do this? How is this command reflected in your parenting? 

Joy

I've been learning a lot about JOY lately.  I find myself thinking about what "joy" looks like several times a day.  And when I'm in the Word or talking with friends -- I feel like life is on repeat....

Fullness of joy.  Joyful. Joy. Joyous. Glad.

It's just that -- never before in my life did I know how full the JOY of the Lord was, until now.  I have never felt JOY so freely, so abundantly in my soul.  I know that despite anything or everything I can find JOY -- because my soul is fat with the richness of Jesus.

Joy isn't just being happy.  Anything can make you happy.  And when you're looking for "happy" you end up looking for things like a good book, a cup of coffee, time alone, being pampered, another baby, a new couch or shoes.  These happy things are happy, indeed.  But they are not filling and satisfying.  They are, simply, little things that we have been told will make us full and feel better. 

Only Jesus can make you feel better and full.

You can't really know joy without Jesus.  

He is joy in the fullest way.  

He is joy in the most abundant way.  

He is joy in the strongest way.  

He is joy in the darkest days.  

He is joy in the brightest seasons. 

He gives us joy through His word, prayer, struggle, and tangible blessings. 

He is always willing to fill us with joy.  

And friends, it is so satisfying to be full of joy in the Lord. 

Last year was hard in a lot of ways, and joyful in so many other ways.  As I look forward to 2013, I can't help but think of how I may respond to some situations.  I think of the good that can come and the bad.  I think of what I've learned and how I've grown. I think if areas of struggle and temptations.  And at the end of each thought I am brought back to JOY.  

I just want to know joy {and peace} in Jesus.

So I will seek to make this year a joyful year. A year filled with JOY. In fact, I want to be so full of joy in the Lord that every day for the rest of my life is joyful.  Even in pain and suffering, I want to rest in the joy I have from knowing the God Most High.  

And that my goal, my "resolution" if you will, for 2013: JOY.

Teachable moments

DO you ever have moments, as a parent, when you are placed right in the middle of an incredible opportunity to teach a valuable and lifelong lesson?  And then, even as you are responding, you realize that you really missed it?  As in, wow.  Gone.

Today Benjamin pushed Andrew and he cried and cried.  I had B say sorry and give him a hug.  And then it happened.  I made Benjamin look at Andrew and say, "You're my only brother.  And I want you to be my favorite friend.  Let's. do. this." I missed it.  That was the lesson I gave today.  Awesome.

This happens to me more than I would like to admit.  And luckily God renews my strength and sanity and I can approach the next struggle or lesson or whatever with confidence that I can be a mom and raise children without screwing them up too much.  I'm beyond grateful for the grace that my boys extend to me -- even though they don't know it yet.  Or maybe the grace that God extends to me through them -- over and over and over again.

When I discipline the boys or try to get a teachable moment out of a difficult situation, I feel like most of the time they just play the part I hand them.  I tell them something, ask them to repeat it and give them a pep talk about how much I love them and want the best for them and that we should always make lemonade when given lemons {I was taught this hands on and by watching my mother-in-law.  One of the most valuable things ever. I'll go on and on about it another day...}. Then we go on our way.

But isn't this how I work?

So often I just play the part I think I'm suppose to play when I come before the Lord.  I know the words to say and prayers to pray.  But I don't want to live that way.  I want to figure out the lesson.  I want to work through the junk and find the treasure.  I want to cry about it and listen and remember -- He. is. God.

I want to be teachable and moldable and I want to grow and change.  And I know I will never get that way unless I take the teachable moments before the Lord -- the life struggles I never asked for or the lessons that keep coming back for the thousandth -- and I want to know peace and joy and contentment.  But not in anything here on earth, friends.  I want to know peace and joy and contentment in the fullness of knowing God.  And I know that takes a lot more than I give on a regular basis.  And I know, more so, that it doesn't look like living in the plans I've made -- but in the truth that sets me free and the power of the cross and the sovereignty of God.

Anyways, I'm all about surrender and making lemonade of these lemons and trusting deeply in the Lord.  So... let's. do. this.

Thinking about Andrew...

Some days as I look at Andrew, I think through the last 18 months of having him around and I shake my head in gratitude.

I think about my pregnancy with him and how he came early and fast and ready for the party.  I think about how easy he was and how much he loved {still loves} to eat.  I think about his tiny baby smiles and how easily he laughed.  I think about the joy that overwhelmed me as I held him close.  I think about how he has picked up on things so quickly and does them easily.  He rarely gets frustrated that he can't do something, only that he can't do it fast enough.

He is so much more curious than B was at this age.
He is such a risk taker.
He has more gumption and guts than any child I know.
He's gregarious and gorgeous. {I'll be done with good "g" words now...}
He has these big blue eyes that make your heart melt.
And a killer grin to go with them.

And I wonder, "How did I get this boy? How did I get so lucky? How do I get the blessing of caring for this one?"  The one who keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh and gives kisses more freely than anyone else in our home.

He has the advantage of being number two, in so many ways.  I didn't mind getting up with him in the middle of the night. I fed him how often he wanted to eat, not what a schedule said.  I followed him more and forced him less. I snuggled him longer and enjoyed him more.  I wore {er, wear} him more frequently.  I didn't get as easily frustrated or overwhelmed or crazy.  He eats dirt and sticks and falls down without a fuss.  It's just that -- coming second means that you were born into experience.  {Not that he hasn't caused enough new experience of his own!}

{But hear me now: no child can prepare you for the next in any fullness at all.}

He's a handful, though.  I should have known by the constant movement in my womb and the scare of having heart trouble while he kicked away inside of me.  I should have known when he started moving way earlier than I expected and then wouldn't eat baby food anymore.  I should have know when he stopped letting me feed him so he could feed himself.  I should have known when he started walking before 11 months, and then started running the very next week.

He doesn't stop.  He is always going and always trying.  He figures things out and then tackles something else.  He runs away fast when he steals a toy and walks over shyly to give a sweet kiss.  Even now, I'm smiling and shaking my head.  I've just so clueless how to handle this boy and I cannot fathom what he will be like as he gets older.  I fear that, quite possibly, it's me.  Lord willing, he will have more Patrick in him than me!

It's just -- these boys -- they have stolen my heart!  And I'm the only one who gets the best and worst of them day in and day out {and Patrick, of course}.

I love that my boys are so different.  I love that God knew what I needed in my first born and then my second.  I love that motherhood has changed me in ways I never thought possible! I love that every day, every minute, I get to be the momma of Benjamin and Andrew.  The fact that God has trusted me with these little miracles are beyond my belief and I couldn't be more humbled and grateful.