Sunday, December 2, 2012

I knew.

The last eight, or so, weeks have been weird.

We are still doing Clomid and prayerfully seeking the Lord as we desire another baby.  And so after my emotional break down that happened after the fifth month of treatments, and our first "successful" round of Clomid -- I was ready to finish up the few more rounds we had left.

This is just how we have babies.  We try hard and wait long.  Except for Andrew.  He was a miracle of how quickly God can work when it's His plan to do so.  And Benjamin, he was hard work before we even started doing fertility treatments ;)

Mostly kidding.

So, I do another round of clomid and go in for a check-up ultrasound to find that ovulated all by myself {well, the hand of God actually} and start a period the very next day. That was weird.  And short.  And I knew God was doing something.

We started another round right away.  No sense in waiting, I guess.  My doctor doesn't have very fantastic people skills or bedside manner so I don't get much from him on the information side of things.  Or on the "I'm making a joke" side of things, either.  But, hey!  We are all unique.

I go back in on day 10 of this cycle and there is not one thing.  Dr Grumpy tells me to come back Friday.  I ask my friends to pray and we {Patrick and I} pray and I go back and, behold!, a little follicle created and placed by the hand of God.  He did a miracle.  I knew He would.

Fast forward: the follicle ends up growing beautifully and I get to do the trigger shot.  I feel like I'm ovulating on the wrong side.  So I pray.  I ask friends to pray.  And then we wait.  But I just knew something was happening.

I wasn't feeling 100% over the next two weeks.  I knew something was going on in my body when I had Andrew in the wrap while grocery shopping and I thought I was going to faint.  That, friends, is the exact opposite of what usually happens.  So I take four pregnancy tests over a five day period.  Negative -- all of them.

Then one morning a faint positive shows up! What?! I KNEW it!  I call for blood work and wait for good news! I'm processing and being excited, but guarded.  That's what happens after eight years of infertility/fertility treatments.  I am, unfortunately, beyond the naive and ignorant bliss of seeing a line and telling everyone I love. But that's okay. I'm grateful for where I am now.

But here is the deal.  I was so scared that this pregnancy would end in miscarriage.  I was just so nervous that we would have to endure that pain after so much trying and hurt and waiting and praying.  I just didn't want to lose a baby.  I didn't want to be so close.

And that's what happened.

My numbers were low, but doubled by the 48 our point.  My doctor was very concerned I had an ectopic pregnancy, but by another 48 hour mark my numbers dropped and I was on my way to losing this sweet baby.  And that is what is happening now.  At five weeks {and some}.

But you know what?  It hurts as bad as I thought it would.  And I'm just as sad as I figured I would be. I have cried uncontrollably most of this week.  I've cried out to God, not questioning His ways, but simply confused and sad and weary.

And the truth is this: God is still God.  He is still good. And I'm still His child.

God gives life and takes it away.  This baby was never mine.  In fact, not one baby that has been in my womb is mine.  They are all His.  God's plan is still perfect and I know that this is His best right now.  I can't see the future and I don't know why, but I trust the sovereignty of God with everything in my entire being.

I would not have chosen this path, this ending.  I would have as many babies as possible, if my body would work properly.  But the fact is, it doesn't.  My body was created by an Almighty God who loves me and knows me and knew that my heart would long for children, yet struggle to conceive them.  Praise God for His infinite wisdom!

I do hope that His plan for us includes another baby that has the opportunity to grow and thrive inside of my womb and come out heathy and strong. And until then, I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will sing for joy to the Lord.  I will praise His glorious name.  Because, honestly, what else am I going to do?  I choose joy and hope and faith.  Today. And tomorrow.  And every day after that.

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name be the glory." Psalm 115:1
{I could write out several Psalms here, but I will refrain...I need to shower and care for my waking baby}

I'm grateful for the endurance God has given me.  I'm grateful that my hope is secure and an anchor for my soul.  I'm grateful that this pregnancy was not ectopic.  I'm grateful that I can, indeed, get pregnant again.  And, friends, I'm grateful that whatever God ordains is right and good and holy.

I love being sanctified and refined.  I love growing and changing and maturing. I love that I'm not forgotten or overlooked. I love that God holds me and cares for me.  And I love knowing that Jesus is holding two precious babies for me until I get to heaven.  Lucky babies.


Seth & Jill said...

thanks for posting Ash. your transparency and love for Christ encourages me to trust Him!

"In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil"

Beth said...

So sorry, Ashley.

Andrea said...

Just stopped over from Beuatifully Rooted - I really enjoyed your post there. So sorry to read of your loss, and thank you for sharing your struggles. You have a beautiful perspective and strong faith, and I'm praying that God would carry you ever so gently in His arms in the coming days.