Emotional chaos...

Oh, where do I begin? It's been quite a week and it's only Wednesday.

On Monday, at the doctor's, they did an ultrasound and saw that my cyst (on my left ovary) was large and needed to burst. It was a cyst formed because of the Clomid and had no need for concern. They decided to draw blood to make sure my levels were still okay and then I was done.

Monday afternoon, I started having horrible cramps and was unsure why the pain was so bad. The ultrasound hurt pretty badly because the tech was NOT gentle with her observing. I figured that was the case and moved on.

Later that afternoon, a nurse called and told me I was pregnant. I was shocked and excited and skeptical all the the same time. None the less, we were so excited and I called a very few people and we soaked it all in. The nurse asked me to come back in two days to test again.

Tuesday came and went with skeptical excitement on my part, but I still looked at baby names and thought about how to rearrange the house for a new addition. The problem was that I was still bleeding (I had been spotting, but after the ultrasound I started bleeding) and having slight cramps. I did a lot of research, but couldn't find anything to calm me down.

So today came and I drove to Pittsburgh. I was there long enough to go the bathroom, read Psalm 34 and for however long it takes to find a vein and draw blood. Not having any idea what was going on in my body - I drove home and cried most of the way.

I waited anxiously for the nurse to call and when she did it was hard to answer the phone. I had asked the Lord to prepare my heart for whatever He was doing. Her words were sharp: You're not pregnant. You're levels are in the negative.

Deep breaths and short questions got me this information: They think the results of Monday' test were a false positive (if that's the case, I'm pretty ticked that they told me I was pregnant without certainty). However, I might have had a miscarriage or my cyst could have burst. The good news is that the Clomid worked. I ovulated, indeed, and two folicles were definitely formed on my ovary. It's just that the implantation phase didn't go so well.

Since they're not 100% sure what happened in my body over the last two weeks, I have to wait another month before I can take another round of Clomid. It seems so far away, but what's another month on top of two and a half years?

I'm so sad at all of this. My heart is broken a little, but my faith is surely stronger. My dear friend reminded me today that I cannot give life, I cannot create life. I needed to hear that as I felt like a failure and defeated.

Please pray for us. We're still shocked on both ends. We're sad, but hopeful. We're grieving the loss of a what could have been our first child. The emotional up and down's of the last two days are unexplainable. We covet you're prayers right now.