Everyone here knows how to cry...

"It's a long way down, it's a long way down to the place where we started from..."
-Sarah McLaughlin

I agree. It's a long way down and I prefer to forget where I came from. The place I started from seems so long gone, so far away. Or maybe it's just a few memories back. I think it depends on which day you ask me.

I have just come home from a 42 hour excursion that turned out to be the most freeing and difficult hours of my life, believe it or not. My sister and I spent most of this time cleaning out my dad's house. I don't think I was ready for that. I am still in disbelief that my dad is really dead. No more phone calls, no more Christmas with him. I will never see his handwriting in a card again. Whew. It wasn't too bad until we had to start throwing things away. These things were the very things that made me think of my dad my whole life. Good things, bad things, in between things. But we finished, kind of, sorting, cleaning and tossing.

As soon as we landed in Pittsburgh, I started having anxiety attacks. I've never had them before and hope to not ever have them again. I thought I was having a heart attack and I couldn't sleep. It was horrible. I finally went to sleep and didn't have another one until we were picking out the headstone for the grave site.

I have years of built up frustration, anger and hurt. Things weren't easy as a child, but I made it through. It's a long way back. My sister and I had an argument the morning I was leaving. I have never ever been so angry, frustrated, sad or free in my life. I punched my sister...hard...several times. I ever cursed at her. I was so mad, I threw up. It was bound to come out. People say you feel better after hurting someone who has hurt you so much...I didn't feel better, I felt horrible.

It was freeing though, in so many ways. I was freed from my "perfection" in the eyes of my sister, I was freed from trying to be "a good Christian"...How can I be a "good"Christian if I'm not being real and authentic? (That makes me so sad. Christians try so hard to be perfect and good that they end up being hypocritical, judgmental and self-centered. Oh, Lord, save me from being a "good Christian" and may I be an authentic follower of Jesus.)

I felt so free from memories that hurt and scars from my past. I felt freed from the need to be someone I wasn't. Even if it was just for an hour, I was free. As I was hitting my sister,(I do understand that this was not the most effective way to get my anger out, but it happened.) I felt like I was hitting a figurative brick wall. It was as if the Lord used this as a way to show me how hard I'm trying to fight Him and I just keep running into a wall, getting hurt, crying.

I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so weary. I want everything to be over and to start getting better. I see more of my sin everyday and it breaks my heart. And I know it breaks the Lord's heart. I so often fight the fights that the Lord wants to fight and then I sit back and relax during the fights He wants me to fight. So much fighting, so many battles. I feel like my cries are falling on deaf ears. I don't know what tears I have left. In fact, I'm not so sure He even sees all of these tears. I know that the Lord will never abandon me, but honestly, I'm not convinced that He will rescue me.

I have learned to be authentic and transparent. How will I grow if I'm always trying to please you? How will I be transformed if I would rather seek you than seek my God? I want to live out these truths. Will He rescue me? I'm sure, He always does. So why then is it so hard to trust Him right now? I will hang on to this hope, "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." (Psalm 18:28)

If it's a long way down, then I imagine the climb up is even longer and harder. I'm thankful that my God turns my darkeness into light. I'm hopeful that as I climb higher, the light will get brighter. I hope to learn which battles are mine and which are His. I hope I don't take this hard, long, dark road for granted. I hope I learn to trust God deeper, wider, fully. Meanwhile, I'm hanging on tight to His light because I don't like the dark anymore.