Caleb's birth story...

My labor this time was different. I'm not sure I've ever experienced early labor like I did this time.  Maybe I was just more aware of my body, maybe I was just very ready to be done.  Either way, I noticed changes occurring for about a week before I went into labor.

Last Saturday I was having contractions for several hours that were consistent in time, but not strength and length.  After timing them and waiting, we decided to go to the hospital.  They checked me and I was only 3cm.  I asked to go home because at that point, the contractions weren't as close together and didn't hurt as badly. I was encouraged because at my last exam {five days earlier}, I was 1cm and 50% effaced.  SO those contractions were doing something! This was my first "false alarm" and one thing I was always nervous to have.

But over the next few days, contractions would come and go -- and I felt more tired.  My body was doing somethings that only happen before labor and I felt confident that things were progressing, if even a little.  I also surrendered a little more to the process and constantly reminded myself that there was nothing I could to do determine my baby's birth day.  My birth mantra has always been "God is the Lord of my body, the Lord of my baby and the Lord of my birth experience" -- He has always been kind and faithful and I knew He wouldn't leave me.

On Wednesday I had a midwife appointment and when she checked me I was still 50% effaced, but dilated 3cm on the outside of my cervix and 7cm inside.  I wasn't too sure what that meant, but she told me that when I felt labor to come in! She swept my membranes which is always very unpleasant and off I went to finish the day.  Nothing big changed, but I felt like my body and mind were preparing.  I was very peaceful and we finished a few errands before coming home and enjoying dinner and popsicles outside. I joked that I had finished reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth the night before, so I was ready! :)

Patrick got home late from work, around 7pm, and right around then my contractions started.  By 7:30 they felt more strong and were pretty consistent.  I took a bath, walked around, laid down and rested as much as I could.  Patrick timed the contractions as we texted with Andra {my doula and friend}.  The contractions came on quickly and each one was intense.  There was no easing into this labor {except everything that happened the previous week -- haha!}.

We decided to go into the hospital and got there around 11.  They checked me and I was 4cm and 60% effaced.  Progress! But not enough to admit me.  We walked the hospital and went up and down stairs for an hour.  When we went back to triage, she checked me again and I was 5cm and more effaced.  That was enough to get me into a birthing room and by the time we were in there it was around 1am.

I was so very tired at this point and tried to rest when I could.  The contractions were consistent and intense, though, so sleep didn't come easily.  I was hooked up to monitors this time, which meant I couldn't move as freely as previous labors.  Plus, my back pain was super awful.  Patrick and Andra were very encouraging and helped me to remember to breathe :)

Around 4am I was feeling pushy and asked for Leanna to come in and check me.  She said I was 6cm and the baby was at a -1 station.  She broke my water and by 4:30 my contractions were getting more intense.  I turned around and labored on my knees, laying on the top of the bed {it was raised}.  It felt good not to be on my back, but contractions were picking up so nothing felt great at that point.  The contractions were about 2 minutes apart and I was bearing down a little with each one.  I do remember at one point feeling very alert and calm between contractions and feeling like this process was taking a very long time.

Side note: My midwife didn't leave after she broke my water {she remembered and noted that my babies come quickly after my water breaks}. She stayed and encouraged me.  She rubbed my back and played with my hair.  She stayed quiet and kindly offered suggestions.  And she came in early to be there for my labor.  She's a gem.  And I'm so grateful for her.

I went to the bathroom and had a few contractions sitting down before heading back to the bed.  At this point I was feeling like I needed to push and when Leanna checked me I was 9cm and 90% effaced {which she said was probably 100% for me}.  She moved my cervix around the baby's head and said we would "see" what would happen with the next contraction.  That was what I needed and the baby moved down and I was ready to push.

I don't remember a lot of this whole labor, but I do remember that grabbing my legs was helpful and gave me a little more control when I was breathing and pushing.  After two strong contractions, bearing down, there was a rush around the room and I knew that my baby was near.  This part felt very, very long -- but Patrick and Andra assure me that it was not.  I pushed once and felt him move down and start crowing.  I laid back, exhausted in every sense of the word, but couldn't not push because his head was nearly out and that pain was intense. With the strength of the Lord and very single bit of willpower I could find, I leaned forward with a deep moan ready to meet my baby. One last strong push and our baby came rushing out.  I don't remember even needing to push once his head was out.  And in hindsight, even through the pain, it was very easy.

One thing I do remember vividly was Leanna saying "Ashley, do you want to reach down and pull your baby onto you?" And I don't know if I said it out loud or in my head, but "yes! I do!"

I haven't really cried after the births of the other babes, but this time it was such a release of all the things to cry a few tears -- of gratitude and humility and relief and joy.  I was able to snuggle our sweet boy as they cleaned him off and while we waited for the cord to stop pulsing.  Patrick cut the cord and I was able to snuggle him more closely! After the placenta was delivered, I put my fist int he air and proclaimed "It is finished!" -- and it was.  My body was empty of a miracle and rested contently. My pain had subsided, God had answered an abundance of prayers and I felt a great freedom rush through me. And it felt very right and very good.

I will note that I didn't remember most of my labor past getting my water broken. I talked with Patrick and Andra and had them tell me what happened. I asked a lot of questions and slowly recalled having a baby. :)  As Andra said everything was "intense fast". And like the other babies, they came with relative ease and looking back I still don't mind labor and quite enjoy the reward of bringing forth life into the world.  BUT I remember saying to Andra several times, "remind me that I never want to do this again!" Amen.

SO, it is with great joy and true gratitude that we introduce this tiny miracle:
Caleb Alexander McBride
August 13th, 2015
5:38am
6lbs, 15oz -- 20.3 inches

Fresh out, so relieved and so grateful!

Andra was so great and I appreciate her so much!

Patrick is such a rock for me. He loves and serves me so well. I love that we get to do this together!

Getting checked out!

All of my boys!

They were in love with this sweet baby! Especially Elise.

So many friends came to visit! I only got a few pictures, but I'm so glad to have people keep me company and love on me so well! These friends are indeed like family to me!

Megan

Kristin

Laurie

Jamie

 A little in room photo shoot to kill some time...

 And going home! Finally! Caleb has slightly evaluated bilirubin levels -- so we had to stay longer than we have before.  It was nice to rest, but I was soooooo ready to go home and be with my people!

I'll post more pictures from my phone when I get time. Thank you for all of your love, encouragement and prayers through my pregnancy and beyond. And thank you for asking God for this little miracle time and again over the last ten years.  This gift of God's faithfulness isn't just for us! Caleb is evidence of a Healer and a Giver of good things to all who ask.  Thank you for praying for us!

Making room for one more...verbal processing for your enjoyment...

It's no surprise that this sweet baby was indeed a surprise to us {and every other human being alive}.  And we certainly didn't plan or prepare our home while building for four children.  But as God is kind always, our home will fit our family perfectly -- no matter what.

Preparing for this little man has been so different than with the others.  We don't have a nursery for him -- he will sleep in the bassinet in our room for now.  We don't have a changing table -- but our dresser with some blankets and towels is the perfect height! We don't have all the bells and whistles you want and "need" for your first {and even second} baby.  We just have love and kisses and diapers.  I'll call that a win!

The hardest part, in all honesty, has been preparing my heart and mind to welcome another tiny baby into our family.  I don't feel capable or equipped to care for FOUR children. I don't feel like I deserve the blessing of having another child.  I don't know how I'll have a small toddler AND a little newborn.  But I know this baby wasn't an accident and is indeed an incredible gift from the Lord.  I also know that He doesn't send you into something without giving you more of Himself -- you just have to reach out.  And I will and I do.

I still remember so much of labor and delivery with Elise and that's something you hope to forget by your next baby :)  This time, more than Benjamin even, labor has seemed daunting and makes me nervous.  But I want it to come so badly, and so quickly! The more I feel my body prepare, the more I remember that I can do it.  The Lord is gracious in offering strength and it's really only a short time in the grand scheme of bringing a baby into the world.  And I can confidently say that I know God has allowed me to have good labors in the past.  He may change it this time -- but He has never been unfaithful in helping my body birth a baby.

This pregnancy has been HARD. Physically and mentally.  I can feel the age of my body and the fourth term pregnancy weighing on me.  I am so easily exhausted.  I throw up randomly.  I have awful heartburn.  My weight gain, while only a pound or two more than the other pregnancies feels heavier because I started off seven pounds heavier than the other times. And it is HOT! My back pain has been indescribable and constant.  I don't say this to complain, although I've done my fair share of that, but to acknowledge that this time has been harder and different.

I feel like I'm not myself this time around.  I find it harder to enjoy and relax and go with the flow.  I'm irritable and easily frustrated.  Things that I wouldn't fuss about before quickly become something I can rant on about.  Although, as a positive, I've only had a few emotional breakdowns! It's been fairly easy for me to process to Patrick and at least get some of my emotions out.  AND I've been doing a study on the Fruit of the Spirit with some friends and that's been incredibly helpful for me to bring myself back to the Lord and to call upon Him.  Friends, He is mighty to save -- even in the trenches that you don't think are really trenches {until you realize they are! haha}.

All of this to say: I'm ready.  I just want to meet this little boy.  I want to see his face and feel him in my arms and give him a thousand kisses.  I want to look at this little miracle and tell him about the years of prayers that went forward for him.  I want to tell him that he is, in my arms, proof of a Healer, a God who hears and answers and loves His people in such beautiful and tangible ways.

So, come on baby.  We are ready and we love you and we can't wait to gush over you and let you know that you belong to us and we belong to you!

{PS. Here are maternity pictures from this time.  I'm 35 weeks and 4 days.  If you follow me on Facebook, you've probably seen them.  Enjoy anyways!}

Overall feelings of pregnancy.

{A note for myself to look back on.  Today I'm 37 weeks, 4 days.}

First trimester review...

I've entered the second trimester at some point over the last week.  I'm 14 weeks and one day.  And while I see an increase in my energy and I don't need to nap and lay down as often -- there are some lurking symptoms that I wish would go away {mainly throwing up}.

My first trimester was nothing special, aside from shocking and a delightful surprise that I was actually experiencing another "first trimester".  In fact, the similarities in my pregnancies is crazy.  Andrew's pregnancy was the hardest - emotionally and I threw up until 20 weeks.  Benjamin's the easiest - because first kid.  I don't remember a ton of Elise's pregnancy, but this one seems pretty similar to hers.  I think.

So, let's recap: I felt pretty good until week 5.  I then entered a season of extreme exhaustion and mild nausea. This got worse each week until about week 10.  Then I had extreme exhaustion with not as persistent nausea.  

I shall now point out that I don't remember much of the last 10 weeks, honestly. I do know that everyone is alive! And we ate meals and I ran errands and the house was cleaned. I'm grateful for Patrick because he has been a rockstar! I napped and rested and truly didn't have to do too much because he was a champ at getting things done.  He's my hero.

Around week 12 I felt this lift from extreme exhaustion to exhaustion.  I still need to rest pretty frequently and get tired very easily.  My nausea is still there and if I eat consistently, it's not as bad.  But I'm eating every hour and a half to two hours to help.  At 14 weeks, all of the above is true.

I have wanted to eat salads for every meal.  Really.  I love salads in real life, but in pregnant life -- the struggle was real and I spent a lot of time {and more money that I should have} getting salads instead of making them myself :)  I can't eat greasy food, soda or too much sugar.  Right now all I want is Cracker Barrel.  I think it's mainly the idea of comfort foods.  Hearty, filling, sort of bland things sound great -- but I would prefer not to cook them myself ;) {BUT when you're pregnant with your fourth child, be warned -- people still need to be cared for and you still need to make dinner every night.}  Per usual in each pregnancy, coffee sounded and tasted awful.  Each pregnancy it has lasted less and less {praise Jesus!}.  I am able to enjoy small cups of coffee now -- and that started around 12 weeks. Whew! 

I have been able to work out fairly consistently.  In fact, there were only a few days moving around made me too nauseous.  It was usually the other way around!  If I was distracted and moving, the nausea wasn't too bad.  Although there were several times that I paid for it by needing food immediately after my workout! But, as you probably know, I'ma firm believer in exercise during pregnancy.  I am still lifting weights two to three times a week -- mainly 15-20 pounds, but I'm still able to squat a decent amount {I mean. For me. It's like 50-70 pounds. Just to be clear.} Doing cardio has been more of a challenge because I get out of breath pretty quickly - haha!  But on strength training days, I try to get in 15-20 minutes on a machine.  About twice a week I do only cardio for 30-60 minutes.  PLUS, I carry around a 25 pound baby and play with all three children.  I need to go take a nap, now.

I'm sporting a very noticeable baby bump and imagine that will only get more noticeable.  If you don't know I'm pregnant, then let me turn to the side so you can be surprised! I started wearing maternity clothes around 9-10 weeks...mostly because it was easy and comfortable.  Although, my pants still slide down and I just really, really want to be able to wear shorts already! 

I have gained 10 pounds in 14 weeks.  I am slightly discouraged by this because I have tried hard to be wise and not gain so quickly.  BUT as I have humbly noticed -- my body knows what it's doing and has done the same thing four times.  In the last three pregnancies, I gained 8-11 pounds in the first trimester and by the end came in at 31-34 pounds.  So, my body clearly can do its job.  Isn't God amazing? I'm so humbled at all of this.  I will say that because I was seven pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight, I was hoping to avoid much gain.  But it's just weight and by God's grace and lot of personal chilling out -- I'm sure things will go back to how they are suppose to be.  I'm no longer worried.

I have a fetal doppler that a friend let me borrow {er, keep?} and that has eased a lot of anxiety about the baby.  I do have to limit myself and pray that it won't become an idol.  God is the giver and taker of life -- and while hearing a heart beat is reassuring, He is my hope and my peace.  I have prayed and prayed through this struggle and look forward to baby kicks {another tiny gift from the Lord}.  But when I have listened for the baby, its heart rate has been consistently around 163. There is a typical range of 155-173, just to be clear. My uterus is tilted, so hearing the baby can be tricky.  

I think that's a good overall summary.  Benjamin and Andrew have been so helpful to me over the last several weeks, too.  They clean with me and serve me.  They play with Elise and play together.  It's been so nice and I couldn't have made it through as easily without their sweetness.  Elise is a 17 month old toddler, so she's doing what she is suppose to do and I pray for a lot of patience as she grows. I don't want to take these days away from her because of unrealistic expectations! 

Okay. The end! :)

Welcome Elise Kathleen!

She's here! She's here! And we couldn't be more excited.  It's no surprise that this tiny little girl has captured our hearts already.  She's a BEAUTY!

Her arrival was somewhat surprising -- despite the fact that I had on and off again contractions for a week {ha}. I joked with my friend {and doula}, Andra, as I was talking with her in the middle of the night trying to decide if I was in labor that we SHOULD NOT have more babies, simply because I never know if I'm in real labor. But, nonetheless, I was and we had a baby.

Here is Elise's birth story: {it's long}

Monday was a normal day and I did normal things. We got new windows, I watched a friends little boy, my friends came over and hung out, Benjamin went to school, I took a long walk... I really had no clue labor was coming {aside from wanting to be in labor already}.

I was half asleep when I felt/heard a "pop" on Monday night.  It was about 1:15am. I thought it was weird, got up and went to the bathroom.  And then laid back down. Around 2:30am, the "pop" happened again.  I got up and went to the bathroom and noticed a little blood when I wiped.  That made my head start spinning a little and I laid back down to think and rest.  While I was laying there, I had a few low contrations that were burning a little.  They weren't "normal" and so with the blood in mind -- I called Andra and we processed labor happenings.

SO, it was about 3am at this point and I had decided we would be going to the hospital because I was getting a little shaky and the blood made me think dilation was starting.  Also, because I was shaky and bleeding when I went to the hospital with Benjamin -- and I was 9cm.  I was trying to avoid having a baby in my bathroom, but not being at the hospital for too long.

I go to the kitchen and make Benjamin's lunch, get things together and write out a morning "to-do" list for our friend who was coming to stay with the boys until they woke up.  I woke up Patrick and told him that I thought we should go to the hospital soon because of everything.  Even though, at this point, my contractions were still 5 minutes apart {ish} and I wasn't in discomfort at all.

Tony arrives to stay with the boys, we shuffle off to the hospital and hope that we are having a baby! I'm still not contracting to badly and barely notice some of them.  We get to the hospital and they admit us to triage to check me out and such.  Andra gets to the hospital and we all talk and joke around while waiting for 45 minutes for the nurse to check me.

The triage nurse comes back and checks me -- I'm at 7cm and my water had indeed broken {remember the "pop"!} and it broke more when she checked me.  Finally we move to a birthing suite and by then my contractions are starting to get more regular and a little stronger.  This was around 5am.  I move around, sway my hips, have the monitors on for a few minutes, sit in a chair, move a little more -- normal labor stuff.

Around 6am {I think} Leanna -- my midwife -- comes in and checks me again.  Still at 7, but everything is super stretchy and she broke a little more of the water bag.  She also moved my cervix around a little. At that point my contractions picked up significantly.  I sat on the tolilet to labor a little -- it's such a comfortable and helpful labor position -- and Leanna sits down with me.  Patrick and Andra hang out too and we all talk and joke a little.  Finally Leanna leaves for a bit and I move around a little more.

Around 6:45am, she checks me again and I'm an 8 -- but I'm feeling more pressure and want to push.  With each contraction I push a little and it feels much better.  I remember Leanna saying {gently and firmly}, "Ashley. If you want to push this baby out -- you're going to need to push with more intensity during these contractions because they are not strong enough to do it for you."  That was helpful to me and at that point, I knew I was getting close.  I was laying on the bed, but at this point turned and labored in a squatting position on the bed -- with my head facing the top of the bed.  With each contraction, I would squat back and that moved things right along.  In fact, Leanna told me she was going to step out of the room for a minute and when she did, I had another contraction and told Patrick, "The baby is crowing. I am just going to push her out now." I don't remember saying much more than that once labor got intense.

I think a stir of things happened when Patrick called the nurse -- but my back was to the world and I was in labor land. I had one more contraction squatting and that was it.  We were ready.  I turned around and laid down -- it was more comfortable and, honestly, it made me a little more confident -- to push.  Pushing started and it was more painful this time that I remember with the boys. Leanna was so great at calmly instructing me and helping me and my body with each push and rest. I could hear Patrick telling me I was doing great. It was calm -- even though I felt like I was making a lot of noise with each push.

As her head came out a little, Leanna said, "we are at her eyebrows", and with another push "we are at the ears, you're doing great. Baby is almost here!" That visual was so helpful to me because I could imagine where she was and what I was doing.  I was reciting parts of Psalm 18 and Psalm 145 over and over at this point.  I started losing it mentally a little and got tired very quickly.  I thought several times, 'I can't do this anymore.  I don't want to ever do this again.' But I was just so close.

With a few more intense pushed our baby girl rushed into the world at 7:22am! I remember her body feeling so long coming out and my body feeling instantly, and gratefully, less full. I opened my eyes to see Leanna pull all of her out of me and then lay her on my body.  I loved feeling her on the outside of my belly and not inside :) She cried instantly and only randomly once she was on me. She calmly laid on me as they did a little testing and cleaning.  I held her and cried a little and could barely look around the room.

I looked at Patrick and smiled. And then closed my eyes to take it all in. It was a sweet moment.  She had dark wavy hair and once I looked at her face I little more I saw just how much she looked like Andrew! She felt small, but long.  We laid skin to skin while they cleaned everything up.  Her cord was SO long! I'm surprised it wasn't wrapped around her.  After it was done pulsing, Patrick cut the cord and she was free.  My placenta looked great and my body was finally empty of this pregnancy -- in the most beautiful way possible.

After a bit, when the rush seemed to quite down and I felt a little more clear, I pulled the baby up to nurse.  She latched well and aggressively! And she hasn't stopped :) After she nursed for a while, I was getting uncomfortable laying -- so they took the baby and weighed and measured her.  I was able to go to the bathroom and walk a little before laying down again.

And then we waiting to go to our overnight room.  We rested and talked -- just Patrick and I -- and took turns holding our little girl.  I ordered and ate breakfast and had several vital checks.  Then around 10:45am, we headed up to our new room.

It was a sweet delivery and enjoyable, really.  Different than the boys, but still such a pleasure to have the experience of bringing a child into the world with the power God gave my body.  I love how each child has a different story and how it has reflected them so much. God is so thoughtful in all of the details -- and birth stories are no exception!

So....
We are so overjoyed and blessed to welcome Elise Kathleen McBride. 
She was born at 7:22am on October 1st, 2013.
She weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces and measured 21.5 inches long.

She's already a joy and a blessing.  The boys love her and we are home settling in and trying to rest and find a new normal.  Thank you for your prayers and encouragement -- before pregnancy and during.

Our sweet Elise is just another gift we didn't deserve, but are overjoyed to receive!  God is mighty and loving and gives incredibly good gifts -- praise HIM with us, as He has done good things and we are filled with joy!

In triage.

Snuggles.

Our baby girl is here!

Andra and us.

Me and my girl!

Daddy and his girl.

Weighing and such...

Vitals

Such a sweeeeeeet Elise.

Resting.

Relaxing.

Three treasures! {And the first time the met her}

My loves.

Going home! B was adamant about staying in the room and walking down with me. I love that boy!

36 weeks + maternity pictures

Today, or tomorrow, I am 36 weeks.

Praise Jesus! That's four or five weeks left.  I can do anything for a month, I tell you!  The last two weeks have been hard.  I've lost a lot of motivation and energy.  I've felt rather helpless.  And I really just want to eat salads a lot -- and drink coke zero.

Either way, I am still grateful.  God contunially amazes me with this gift of life. And I think, too often, I forget to stop and relish in this pregnancy and remember.  God has blessed us so much and shown us kindness beyond measure.  I'm too quick to distract myself with the things of the world when I should be praying for this girl more and praising God for what He has done. These are the days I'm thankful for unlimited grace -- in every way possible.

This girl can come whenever she wants because we are ready.  Bags packed {mostly}, nursery is in place, we have plans for the boys -- we just need a baby.  And I realize that adding one more is hard -- people tell us daily that going from two to three is the hardest -- but I just would rather get the show on the road then be pregnant too much longer :)  There is just one thing that needs to happen before she can come: Patrick needs to write a paper for his current seminary class.  He just couldn't do that in the hospital.  And it's due in about 10 days.

I think I've gained 32 pounds.  Give or take, you know? Somedays I eat more than I could ever imagine anyone in the world eating.  Other days, I just want to eat cereal and fruit and yogurt.  I have awful indigestion/heartburn and that makes eating so sad.  I am still going to the Y about three days a week.  But my real workout is keeping up with the boys and cleaning the house, at this point.  I do, however, feel pretty good most of the time.  My back pain is constant and I am tired a good portion of the day.  But I would guess that's just par for the course at 36 weeks and I count myself overly blessed that it's not worse.

The baby is strong and healthy, as far as I know.  She was head down at my last appointment and everything looked good.  I start my weekly appointments this week and look forward, especially, to this weeks appointment.  Mainly because I want my midwife to check me and see if these intense braxton hicks contractions are doing anything in my favor.  I fully anticipate her to say that I'm not dilated at all, just as a fair warning.

So. Here are some pictures we took for "maternity pictures". I told Patrick that maternity pictures loose their appeal by the third time. Maybe it's just because I'm really hot and tired. But I think we get less and less creative each time :)

If you want to see pictures from my pregnancies with Benjamin and Andrew -- those are linked up to their names. :)

Belly.

real life here, folks.

A la senior portraits!

Aaaaaannnddd here I am peeking out from behind a tree!

Laughing really hard at Patrick.

I've calmed down now.

At 35 weeks, after my shower.

The end :)