I am loved.

There have been few times  in my life that I have felt overwhelmingly loved.  Sure, I know people love me and have loved me.  But the last two and half weeks have been nothing short of selfless, sacrificial, biblical love -- all poured onto me and my little family. And there has never been any other time in my life when I have been so humbled, for so long.  I have never graciously or lovingly welcomed such humility.  Until now.

I'm not sure my words could do my emotions justice at this point.  In fact, I may start crying as I try to write them out.  I'm so humbled, so grateful for the ways I have seen the hands and feet of the body of Christ move around and in me since my surgery.

My job is not easy, as a mom.  Add being a wife and homemaker to this and it's pretty crazy and requires more than I have to give -- just another reason I'm grateful for the the Lord!  Even so, I have seen my dear friends add all my "stuff" to their to-do lists so I can recover and heal well and quickly.

Not being able to clean my house, wash my laundry, stand for a long time, run errands alone or lift my boys has been so hard for me.  Maybe even harder than you may understand.  When Andrew falls, hits his head and starts screaming -- I cannot run to care for him.  I can't run, nor can I lift him.  When B is having a hard day and walks up to me and hugs my leg, then asks "Momma. I want to hold you. Please." My heart breaks a little because I can't lift him into my arms.  And until just recently, I couldn't get onto the floor to even hug him.

On the other hand, watching my friends clean my house and do my laundry has been not only humbling, but very eye opening!  Ways that I thought were the "right way" before have changed as I have seen their ways work better in making my home.  My preferences on how the clothes are folded or the dishwasher is loaded have been kindly washed away by the Lord.  I simply cannot care how things are being done at this point.  I just have the opportunity to humbly say 'thank you' and be more than grateful that my chores are getting done by other hands.

So you maybe now be able to imagine the gratitude and humility that I feel as I watch my whole life, my whole "job" being done by the hands of people who love me.  You may be able to see now why my heart could never say thank you enough to Sarah (my sister-in-law) who gave up her schedule, her work commitment, her life for five days to be here and do my job. Non-stop.  The job the Lord has called me to do.

She woke up with the boys.  She served meals. She cleaned and did laundry and put my children down for a nap.  She held my boys and loved them just as I would. She drove my car and helped us with errands.  She encouraged and informed me.  She loved me, us, so tangibly, so humbly.  I am still blessed by her visit.

I cannot forget my love, my Patrick.  My incredible husband who has worked so hard.  He has been mommy and daddy for two and a half weeks.  He has taken off work and worked from home. He gets up with the boys at night and in the mornings.  He brings Andrew to me to nurse.  He gives baths and does laundry. He has cleaned and cooked and run errands. He has held me and encouraged me as I cried.  He has run errands with me that stress him out.  He has gone above and beyond to allow me to rest. He has served me and loved me and cared for me in ways that I have never seen.  And he has done it with joy and with the kindness and beauty of God's words on his lips.  What a beautiful testimony of God's love through marriage.

And my friends, my dear, sweet friends.  These ladies have come to my house for ten days.  TEN DAYS!  Taking turns caring for me and my boys.  They have let me nap while watching my children and theirs.  They have cleaned and brought food.  They have prayed for and encouraged me.  They have kept me company and made me laugh.  They have sacrificed their schedules, to-do lists and errands to care for mine.  They have shown me, by their actions, that I am important and need to be cared for no. matter. what. They have gone beyond friendship -- they have become sisters and they have shown me what real life, godly love looks like.

 It's selfless.  It's enduring.  It's sacrificing when you don't really want to.  It's walking into a home that is not yours and making it just as you would want your home to be.  It's reaching out and holding children that are not your own because I cannot comfort them or give them the affection they need right now. -sigh- I am loved by an Almighty God and, friends, He has shown His love to me through my beloved circle of friends, my husband and my sister.

How do I repay this love?  How can I offer my thanks in words that are exactly what my heart feels?  How can I give them what they have given me?  I don't suppose I know, but I truly cannot wait to serve them and love them in this way.  Whatever it is, however it may be, I long for the day to be to them what they have been to me -- more like Christ than any other thing I have ever seen.

I can only hope as they came into my home that they were met with gratitude and a felt the kindness of God here.  And if they did, I can only think it was because of how incredibly they were living out just what the bible has called us to do -- love others more than yourself.  They have cheerfully, kindly and joyfully lived out God's word over and over again.

What a blessing to be so loved.  What a beautiful thing to watch the hands and feet of Jesus move boldly and swiftly.  Grateful.  Humbled.  Overwhelmed by God's mercy.  And so changed by the love of God, through these beautiful people who have loved me.

Highs and lows

There have been many high moments and low moments around here the last few days.  I'm sure all the boys have them too, but in my selfishness I don't ask.  I only share mine.

Note: Ask boys highs and lows. Daily.

Here are a few high moments from the last day or so:
*Patrick.

*Having sweet friends here to take care of me.  I have loved being able to hang out and talk with them.  And despite pride issues, being almost totally dependent on them has been so beautiful.  I have really incredible friends.

*Sweet, random, kind of awkward snuggles with my boys.  I'm in so much pain that snuggling has become sort of weird, but I miss holding them so much that I'll do whatever I can to get them near me.

*Tons of time to rest and read and waste a lot of time on pinterest.

*Not being able to drive = not spending money {except for oldnavy.com}.  And I realize how silly little things add up to way too much unnecessary things.  I'm hoping this will change me for the better in my spending habits!

*Getting some much needed appointments scheduled!

*Lovely meals from said incredible friends.

*Finding out that Patrick and I were confused by the discharge notes -- I CAN shower! Oh, praise the Lord!  Showering always makes me feel better.

And now some lows:
*Two emotional breakdowns because I can't do anything and all I really want to do is hold my boys/snuggle Patrick/do laundry/clean my house/cook something/work out/run errands.  And I can't. do. anything.

*Pain. SO much pain.

*Being so limited and helpless.  And also being pretty lame in the way of anything.  I'm not really hungry.  I'm not great company.  I'm pretty tired.  Lame.  But I'll be better than lame, soon.  Or maybe I need to remember that being lame allows God to grow me and change me and I should just get over it and enjoy.

*Finding out we were not going to have much help from family.  {Although Sarah comes tomorrow -- I'm excited to see her and for her beautiful, helpful heart}

*I can't stand up straight.  This is so annoying to me.  But, according to the nurse I talked to today, that should be better by the end of the week.

It's been six days since my surgery.  That's six days closer to the end of four weeks!!  And that's six (well five, I guess) full days of recovering.  Slow and steady, people, slow and steady.

Twas the day after surgery...

I was going to be clever and write a little poem, but I just don't have it in me.  Yesterday my hernia was repaired and for that I am so grateful. Today I'm in awful pain and mostly laying in bed.  I could end there, but who am I to keep things short?

The surgery went really well and the doctor took a picture of my hernia for me.  I asked while we were in holding and he said he would try.  I think it's cool, but for the sake of the general population I won't share.  It was a smooth surgery and everything was fixed, they tell me.

The last thing I remember was getting onto the operation table and asking the anesthesiologist if he would make sure I was fully out before anything happened.  He assured me would and told me to leave the worrying to him.  So I did :)  He was super nice.  In fact, I really enjoyed all the doctors and nurses.  They were so nice and laughed with me as we prepared for surgery.

God was so kind to me in all of this.  Not only did His peace surround me and comfort me, I was able to talk about the Lord with my nurses.  Nothing life changing, to them, but just sharing about how great the Lord is!  I kept singing, "Rescue" by Desperation Band all morning.  That was helpful.  And Patrick read scripture to me before and after surgery.  Bless that man!

They gave me a little morphine in the recovery room and I remember asking the same question over and over again.  Although, I don't remember the question. Figures.  I would apologize each time and the nurse kindly responded, each time,
"It's okay! You just had surgery."  Other than that I don't think, or no one has told me, that I said anything completely ridiculous or inappropriate.  Whew!

We had a hard time managing my pain before I left to come home.  After two doses of pain killers and a super-duper dose of liquid motrin, my pain was finally lessened. I had a hard time using the bathroom, so I had to stay a little longer before they decided to just let me come home.  I spent most of the day in bed, laying flat.  If I wasn't flat, I hurt.  Also, I would get super nauseous.  I didn't eat much and had a hard time drinking anything.  Plus, I was in and out of sleep.  The anesthesia really sticks with you!

As the day went on, you know around 9:30pm, I ate a few cheerios and was able to sit up for a few minutes without feeling sick.  That was nice.  Then we went to bed.  I slept pretty well considering the pain I was in and that I had slept all day.

This morning I'm surviving :)  After I nursed AR this morning, he slept with me until 7:30.  I hope that boy keeps sleeping like that!  I moved to the couch and watched Patrick sort laundry and help B with potty training {Patrick is over diapers and is actively training B this weekend -- he's doing pretty well!}.  Andrew played with toys and I watched as he sat up, all by himself!  I might have missed that if I wasn't forced to be still.

Life goes on, even when you don't move as fast.  And I like not moving as fast because I don't miss as much!

I'm back in bed, now.  I have been able to eat more today and have been drinking much more.  Moving is still excruciating and I'm trying not to use my core to move -- it's impossible, just so you know :)  Thank you for your prayers throughout the surgery and my recovery.  I covet them and I'm so grateful for people who love me.

Last minute snuggles...

I'm not really nervous for surgery tomorrow.  Certainly I don't love the fact that a doctor will be cutting into my abdomen, but Lord has given me perfect peace about this whole situation.  As an added bonus, I'll be under general anesthesia and get unhindered rest for about two hours!

Want to know what I'm having a hard time with today?  Not being able to carry and move around with my boys for a while.  I'm not a "hands off" momma.  I do things with my littles and we are constantly together.  I hold them and snuggle them and crawl around on the floor with them and play chase with them and capture them and build forts with them.  And while our days are not always filled with these fun things, our weeks have enough "active" in them that I will miss all that craziness.

So, as I carried Andrew down the stairs this morning; as I picked up Benjamin and sat him on the counter top to help me make breakfast; as I crawled into B's bed/tent at nap time to read and snuggle; as I carried a sleeping baby to his crib; as I loaded and unloaded groceries from my car -- I made a little mental note to enjoy that moment.  I lingered a while longer and sang a few extra songs at nap time because I won't be putting B down for several days.  I snuggle Andrew a little longer before he was ready to play and move.  And I may have cried a little tear because I don't stop as often as I should and treasure these moments regularly.

There is so much to look forward to about having surgery: being pain free {after my recovery!}, moving on from this trial, being able to hold my boys again, being able to vacuum without crazy pain, being allowed to lift things and workout like I want to.  But until then, give or take four weeks, I'll slow down.  I'll enjoy the forced break and I'll be grateful for the incredible amount of help we're about to receive.   Then, I'll be better, Lord willing, and I can return to "normal".  But I hope, more than anything, that I'll be humble enough and willing enough to be changed from all of this.  I hope that on the other side of all of this that I'll be slower about my days and my thoughts.  I'll be mindful of each moment, as much as I can with two boys, and treasure so much more than I do now.

And then, I'll hold my boys as long as they will let me.  Because, let's face it, boys move too quickly and grow too fast.  I don't want to miss any "lasts" because I was making plans for all the "firsts" and "to-do's".

Either way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow around noon -- when the surgery is over and I'm on my way home.  Funny, embarrassing stories of things I have said to the nurses fresh on Patrick's mind and me with a grateful, humbled heart {and a closed hernia!}.

So, I'm having surgery...

A few days after Christmas I started having some intense abdominal pain.  I just thought it was something I ate, or maybe from doing too many crunches at the Y.  But the pain was persistent and by evening, it was really uncomfortable.  And there was a bump.

I don't like bumps.  Unless there is a baby growing inside the bump.  So for the record.

We went to the ER and was told that I have an umbilical hernia.  Doesn't that sound so "old man" of me?  I have a hernia. Either way, the gave me morphine and an anti-anxiety drug and popped everything back into place.  I don't remember a thing.  Also, I don't like morphine.

So -- here we are two weeks later.  I have been to a surgeon and we did not like him.  We scheduled appointment with another surgeon and that's on Tuesday.  More than likely, I'll be having surgery next Friday or early the following week.  And I'm so glad.  This is not an enjoyable or ignorable discomfort!

Here are some basic surgery facts {from our appointment with the weird doctor}:
*I'll be out for the surgery {as in out, not numbed} and it lasts about 30 minutes.
*He will have to make a small incision and then will suture the "hole". Voila!
*I won't be able to lift anything over 15 pounds for 4 weeks!!!
*My hernia is about the size of a quarter.
*The first 48 hour will be pretty painful, but after that it's just a matter of tolerance and caring for my body (as the doctor said).
*I can run, but I can't lift anything.

I had a very hard time with this, at first.  What did I do wrong? How could my body have a weakness {proud, I know}? How can I care for my babies well? A lot of fear crept in and before I knew it was I worrying about anything I could think of.  But after talking with a good friend, she reminded me where my hope was and Who I trusted.  She also reminded me that fearing is not going to draw me closer to the Lord.  I'm so grateful for her kindness in speaking honest truth and encouragement to me.  I've been able to surrender to the Lord and seek His Word for peace and comfort.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock." ~Isaiah 26:3-4~  

These words have been such a blessing to me!  And my desire is to have a heart that is stayed on the Lord.  He is my everlasting Rock!  Psalm 34 has also been especially sweet as I have sough the Lord for peace.  I long to be a woman who fears the Lord and nothing else.  I pray that in this situation, I'll be able to learn that and practice it!  Perfect peace, I love that promise.

Sure, there are things that we don't know about yet.  How can we best care for the boys?  Since I can't lift anything over 15 pounds -- Andrew is almost 19 pounds -- how can I get him out of his crib?  How will I put him in his high chair, or in his car seat?  How will I get the grocery shopping done, or errands run?  We aren't exactly sure yet, but God knows.  He already has a plan worked out and knows what I can handle.  And the simple answer to my questions is this: I can't and I won't.

I will have to rely on the hands and feet (and core muscles) of people that love me enough to hang out and pick up my boys while I make lunch or sit on the couch.  I will have to ask for help and enjoy the blessing of being cared for -- isn't that how the body of Christ is suppose to work?  I will take the four weeks to rest because I do not want to go through this again.

This may be one of the more humbling things I've encountered lately -- for so many reasons.  I'm so grateful that God saw it fit that this would be His best for me right now.  It is perfectly planned by Him, for us, to know Him more and to walk more closely and humbly before Him.  His best might not always seem like a good deal, but it's never, ever anything less than His best and for our good.  What a sweet place to stand -- in confidence, gratitude and joy of the sovereignty of the Lord!

I'll keep you posted!