Another half marathon in the books! {A long review of my latest race}

Over the weekend, I ran a half marathon.  It was my goal to run one after each baby to get back into shape.  And I have accomplished that goal each time.  I'm proud of myself for setting this goal and meeting it THREE times!

I ran the OKC Memorial race {again} and it was as humbling and motivating as last time.  It is a true blessing to run to remember the 168 lives lost 19 years ago.  I met a woman who was cheering on her family as they ran different races.  They lost an 18 month old cousin in the bombing.  A sweet boy, Blake, who would be 21 this year.  My heart was saddened, but drawn even closer to this city I love.  

I may not be a born Okie, but I do love this great state.  

And I'm proud to be raising Okies!

The race day was already looking daunting as we checked the forecast days before -- warm and humid!  That was a bummer since I had trained in pretty cool and windy weather.  I was praying for a low 40's start temperature.  Maybe a slight wind.  Instead we had high 60's, humidity and severe storms.

As I got to the starting corral, the sky was already grey and overcast. We were waiting a little past the 6:30am start time to see what would happen. The potential for storms was very high, the momentum just as high.  There were 26,000 full and half marathoners ready to run! 

At first there was a 15 minute delay.  Most everyone waited around and took shelter in parking garages and open buildings.  But once the weather reports were more solid, the delay was pushed back to 8am!!! At that point I decided to run back to our hotel room because I would need to feed Elise again before I could run 13.1 miles!  She would starve otherwise -- haha!

The weather guys were hopeful, but not encouraging in their reports.  But there were a lot of runners wanting to run.  After training for four months, you want to see the fruits of your labor! I headed back to the corral as it started to storm.  I ran in the pouring rain and hail, but I made it! :)  The race finally started at 8:20am...

I couldn't find my friend Megan, who I was running with, before the start.  After watching for her for several minutes I decided to start running.  I didn't make it a mile before she called -- I stepped to the side and waited for her to find me.  Then we were chatting and running and cheering on the fire fighters running in their gear.  I checked our mileage around 4 1/2 miles.  It didn't feel like 4 miles at all!!!

At mile five the sun started coming out and it started getting a little warmer.  We downed some gu at mile six and kept going.  The crowds were awesome and cheered everyone on with great excitement! At one point I almost got a cup of vodka because I thought it was a water stop -- nope! Just a friendly neighbor handing out alcohol!  

I think it was mile seven that I started to get a little tired.  We split with the full marathoners at mile eight and I remember thinking that I couldn't imagine running 18 more miles in this weather! {Side note: one of my closest friends ran her first 26.2 and she rocked it! I am so proud of her!} I think it was at this point that I really needed to go to the bathroom and had peed my pants a little {truth of having three babies}.  

I was fading fast in the heat and at mile nine I ran into a port-a-potty and was glad to have an empty bladder!  That gave me a little more momentum.  You should know now that if it weren't for Megan, I don't think I would have finished strong.  She was an incredible motivator and a kind friend to stick with me at this point!

I told Megan several times to run ahead without me.  She is a champion runner and was beyond sweet to stick with me.  And I think it was fairly early in the race when I looked over to her and said, "I'm so glad we have Elise, but she did a number on my hips!" At around mile nine and a half, I couldn't keep running.  I walked for a little bit -- and then we would run again.  My legs were cramping so badly!  We would walk and then run again until the water stop after mile 12.  At that point, I knew where I was and how much further I had to go.  So we picked it up and ran to the finish! It was so good to be done! 2:42 was my official finish time -- 13 minutes slower than my slowest half before this race. {this was my 4th half}

I cried a little at the finish line -- not in pride, but disappointment.  I had trained so hard and so well.  I put in my time and effort.  But it wasn't enough to fight the heat and humidity and my lack of pre-race nutrition.  Next time, I'll down a teaspoon of salt before a warm race!  I have to remember, though, that this wasn't a time goal -- it was a get-back-into-shape-after-having-a-baby goal.  I need to remember that my body is very different after having three babies and being 32.  I need to remember that I ran the best I could in the moment and I did finish.

It was my hardest race and my slowest to date.  I would run in the snow for days rather than the heat, ever! :)  And right after the race I told Patrick that I couldn't imagine doing another one.  But yesterday morning {the day after the race}, I woke up ready to redeem my time goal and train for another half marathon.  This time without giving birth just six and half months prior!

Here's to a kind and faithful God who has given me both a healthy body and three sweet babies.  Here's to a faithful and encouraging friend.  Here's to an incredible husband who supports my insanity.  And here's to one more race!

Here are a few phone pics!

Race delay -- hotel picture :)

Post race selfie! Done!!!

Just one more! Love this girl so much!

B running his race!

I certainly cannot forget to tell you that Benjamin ran the kids marathon! They did 25 miles of running in PE class over the last four months and then they all ran 1.2 miles together at the race! He LOVED it.  And apparently he ran hand in hand with our friend Jerome -- and counted the entire time. Hahahaha! I love this kid so much.  Maybe someday you'll see me and B running together -- in fact, I really hope you do! :)

I wrote this on my birthday and didn't post it. Yeah!

Although my birthday was on Sunday {the 18th of November}, I feel like I need to get something out there about being 31.  

It was a good day. SUCH a good day.

I was with my guys all day.  I was loved and cared for.  Benjamin sang "Happy Birthday" to me a lot and even wrote "mom" for the first time!  We went out to brunch.  We rested and talked and enjoyed.  I don't deserve being so loved and so celebrated -- but I was and I'm so grateful!

And so in honor of another birthday -- here are some random things about me:

1. I do not like to go to bed with dirty feet.  I will shower or wash my feet in the sink if I think they are too dirty. Ick.

2. I am always cold, so rececntly I have been sleeping with an electric blanket (that I turn off before I fall asleep!), a sheet, a quilt and this amazing alpaca wool blanket that Patrick brought back from Ecuador.  It's so cozy on my side of the bed.

3. I have developed a deep love from kitchen things from Anthropologie.  AND because people know me and love me my kitchen is now four bowls, one mug and a gift card closer to being so much cuter.

4. I dislike doing laundry. However, I do not like to fold or put away the masses of laundry we use in one week.  Most days I consider getting rid of most of our clothes, but then I remember we a.)need them and wear them and b.) we have boys who need to change clothes at least twice a day.  Whatever.

5. I drink at least 40 cups of water {most} days.  I love water.  

6. And coffee. Maybe equally.  I just bought this print -- and it's perfect.  I think it says a lot to display to the world {er, anyone who comes to my house} that I love my guys more than coffee.

7. I really, really enjoy making food for people.  I love when someone needs dinner.  Or when friends come over for dinner.  Or when it's my turn to cook for flock.  It is such a joy for me.

8. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't think of things that I wanted to do for the upcoming year.  I just want to be.  I want to be a woman who loves and brings glory to God.  I want to be an excellent wife.  I want to be a great mom.  I want to be a thoughtful friend.  I want to be a listener and a learner.  Where possible, I want to be a teacher.  I want to be joyful and grateful and hopeful.

Eight is a good place to stop, right? I just can't think of anymore despite the fact that I am very random.  BUT you can go see my "31 before 31" list I made on my 30th birthday.  I was fairly successful, but not entirely.  

Okay. NOW I'm done with my birthday rant!

Happy birthday to me! :)

The Fairy Tale myth.

Being a princess has always been a goal of mine.

Laugh if you will.  But I wanted to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor, carried away to a castle, be served in every way possible and live happily ever after.  You can't tell me that you didn't want this just a little bit.  Our world has given us story after story, movie after movie of "happily ever afters".  And we've been told that we can have this too!  But it's not real life.

And since that's the case.  I've contently given up my quest for princess-ship.

I've been thinking a lot lately about serving my family and loving them.  I've thought through and sought to understand what it means to fulfill ministry.  And do you know what I've come up with? I'm really proud and selfish!  I have a hard time living in the "I will even if you won't" mentality.  I struggle giving when I know I won't receive.  I feel entitled to treats and this and that because I deserve it. What happened to being a princess around here, y'all!??

How, though, can I be a "princess" if I'm called, by the Creator of the world, to be the least and the last?  I can I serve with a joyful heart and fulfill my ministry if I'm trying to convince, and expect, everyone around me to make my fairy tale come true?  This, I would argue, is absolutely unbiblical and not a godly way to live.

What if my "fairy tale" is scrubbing floors and cooking meals and doing laundry and sacrificing and giving without ever receiving anything?  What if being a princess has just been my way of letting myself live in self-righteousness and pride and resentment and arrogance and entitlement and being fake?

You know what I want?  I want real life.  I want to struggle and cry and grow and change.  I want to plead to God to answer a prayer and then have my prayers unanswered.  I want to disagree and wrestle through things with my husband. I want to laugh with him.  I want to be ONE with my man. I want to discipline disobedient children. I want to praise and encourage and love sweet little boys. I want to cry tears of joy and pain because of my husband and children.  I want to live on a modest budget.  I want to be different from the rest of the world.  I want to live this very real, very crazy, very hard, very, very beautiful life to the fullest.

And I just cannot do that if I'm seeking to be a princess.
There is not enough room in our family for a princess.
Just me.
Humble, joyful, selfless, thoughtful, tender, giving, growing me.
Wherever "me" may be.

Whatever I was looking for in a fairy tale -- adventure! travel! happiness! ease of life! getting everything I want! rescue! leisure! love! -- that simply cannot be found in being a princess, or living a life in pursuit of royalty. Or ever, really.  You'll always be disappointed. And then you'll play the victim because you didn't get what you want.  And then you'll feel entitled to find it.  It's a vicious cycle.

But I say this: God rescued me.  God has given me an incredible husband who has swept me off of my feet.  God has blessed us with two little miracles. God has provided for us so we can be good stewards.  God has shown us Himself through struggle and tears and pain.  And God has revealed His kindness through blessings and laughter and peace.

I couldn't have written this story, His story, better myself.  Praise God that He didn't let me and that I didn't have much say.  My story would have ended in a lot of brokenness and resentment and bitterness.  Instead, come what may on this journey, this girl has joy unending -- not because what I have or what I have done or what I may do.  It's all because I've been redeemed and loved and pursued by the God Almighty.

Forget fairy tales!  I've got Jesus.  And because of Him, I have REAL life.

Highs and lows

There have been many high moments and low moments around here the last few days.  I'm sure all the boys have them too, but in my selfishness I don't ask.  I only share mine.

Note: Ask boys highs and lows. Daily.

Here are a few high moments from the last day or so:
*Patrick.

*Having sweet friends here to take care of me.  I have loved being able to hang out and talk with them.  And despite pride issues, being almost totally dependent on them has been so beautiful.  I have really incredible friends.

*Sweet, random, kind of awkward snuggles with my boys.  I'm in so much pain that snuggling has become sort of weird, but I miss holding them so much that I'll do whatever I can to get them near me.

*Tons of time to rest and read and waste a lot of time on pinterest.

*Not being able to drive = not spending money {except for oldnavy.com}.  And I realize how silly little things add up to way too much unnecessary things.  I'm hoping this will change me for the better in my spending habits!

*Getting some much needed appointments scheduled!

*Lovely meals from said incredible friends.

*Finding out that Patrick and I were confused by the discharge notes -- I CAN shower! Oh, praise the Lord!  Showering always makes me feel better.

And now some lows:
*Two emotional breakdowns because I can't do anything and all I really want to do is hold my boys/snuggle Patrick/do laundry/clean my house/cook something/work out/run errands.  And I can't. do. anything.

*Pain. SO much pain.

*Being so limited and helpless.  And also being pretty lame in the way of anything.  I'm not really hungry.  I'm not great company.  I'm pretty tired.  Lame.  But I'll be better than lame, soon.  Or maybe I need to remember that being lame allows God to grow me and change me and I should just get over it and enjoy.

*Finding out we were not going to have much help from family.  {Although Sarah comes tomorrow -- I'm excited to see her and for her beautiful, helpful heart}

*I can't stand up straight.  This is so annoying to me.  But, according to the nurse I talked to today, that should be better by the end of the week.

It's been six days since my surgery.  That's six days closer to the end of four weeks!!  And that's six (well five, I guess) full days of recovering.  Slow and steady, people, slow and steady.

So, I'm having surgery...

A few days after Christmas I started having some intense abdominal pain.  I just thought it was something I ate, or maybe from doing too many crunches at the Y.  But the pain was persistent and by evening, it was really uncomfortable.  And there was a bump.

I don't like bumps.  Unless there is a baby growing inside the bump.  So for the record.

We went to the ER and was told that I have an umbilical hernia.  Doesn't that sound so "old man" of me?  I have a hernia. Either way, the gave me morphine and an anti-anxiety drug and popped everything back into place.  I don't remember a thing.  Also, I don't like morphine.

So -- here we are two weeks later.  I have been to a surgeon and we did not like him.  We scheduled appointment with another surgeon and that's on Tuesday.  More than likely, I'll be having surgery next Friday or early the following week.  And I'm so glad.  This is not an enjoyable or ignorable discomfort!

Here are some basic surgery facts {from our appointment with the weird doctor}:
*I'll be out for the surgery {as in out, not numbed} and it lasts about 30 minutes.
*He will have to make a small incision and then will suture the "hole". Voila!
*I won't be able to lift anything over 15 pounds for 4 weeks!!!
*My hernia is about the size of a quarter.
*The first 48 hour will be pretty painful, but after that it's just a matter of tolerance and caring for my body (as the doctor said).
*I can run, but I can't lift anything.

I had a very hard time with this, at first.  What did I do wrong? How could my body have a weakness {proud, I know}? How can I care for my babies well? A lot of fear crept in and before I knew it was I worrying about anything I could think of.  But after talking with a good friend, she reminded me where my hope was and Who I trusted.  She also reminded me that fearing is not going to draw me closer to the Lord.  I'm so grateful for her kindness in speaking honest truth and encouragement to me.  I've been able to surrender to the Lord and seek His Word for peace and comfort.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock." ~Isaiah 26:3-4~  

These words have been such a blessing to me!  And my desire is to have a heart that is stayed on the Lord.  He is my everlasting Rock!  Psalm 34 has also been especially sweet as I have sough the Lord for peace.  I long to be a woman who fears the Lord and nothing else.  I pray that in this situation, I'll be able to learn that and practice it!  Perfect peace, I love that promise.

Sure, there are things that we don't know about yet.  How can we best care for the boys?  Since I can't lift anything over 15 pounds -- Andrew is almost 19 pounds -- how can I get him out of his crib?  How will I put him in his high chair, or in his car seat?  How will I get the grocery shopping done, or errands run?  We aren't exactly sure yet, but God knows.  He already has a plan worked out and knows what I can handle.  And the simple answer to my questions is this: I can't and I won't.

I will have to rely on the hands and feet (and core muscles) of people that love me enough to hang out and pick up my boys while I make lunch or sit on the couch.  I will have to ask for help and enjoy the blessing of being cared for -- isn't that how the body of Christ is suppose to work?  I will take the four weeks to rest because I do not want to go through this again.

This may be one of the more humbling things I've encountered lately -- for so many reasons.  I'm so grateful that God saw it fit that this would be His best for me right now.  It is perfectly planned by Him, for us, to know Him more and to walk more closely and humbly before Him.  His best might not always seem like a good deal, but it's never, ever anything less than His best and for our good.  What a sweet place to stand -- in confidence, gratitude and joy of the sovereignty of the Lord!

I'll keep you posted!

I ran {another} race...

Maybe you're tired of reading about my races. "Oh well", I say to you!

Just kidding, sort of.

So my goal of running a half marathon each time I have a baby is going strong. I'm two for two here, folks! I ran, and finished, the Route 66 Half Marathon in Tulsa on Sunday.

Two cheers for me! Woop, woop! And a kissy cheer to my love who let me run a race on our anniversary!

It was cold. It was 34 degrees. It was cloudy. And not warm even a little bit. I had on three layers, on top. Too bad I didn't consider wearing two pairs of pants. Oh well, my calves survived. {even though I couldn't feel them for a very long time}

It was a good race. The course was really great, not too hilly, not to flat. Fairly windy. Lots of gorgeous houses. One really cool Catholic Augustine school. A lot of people. And Danny from season 8 of the Biggest Loser! {Who I introduced myself to. He is a neat guy!}

I ran the entire time. I've never done that before. Both of my previous races were a mix. This time I just kept running. I take that back, I walked through three water stops because of the insane amount of people who just stop at the water stop! But other than that, I ran.

And ran. And ran.

I felt good. Although I was cold, it wasn't enough to make me tell you that I felt anything other than good. Just me and my ipod and a lot of other people...running the morning away. It feels so good to do that.

I finished in 2:29 -- which is just six minutes longer than my personal record of 2:23 {from my first half}. I'm okay with this time because my goal was just to finish and I did a lot better than I thought I would. Also, I had a baby six months ago. And one more also: I don't sleep well or much.

I called Patrick around mile 10 to let him know I was 3 miles away. He and the boys were hanging out at the hotel. Having fun, relaxing, eating breakfast -- good, normal Sunday morning things. They rushed down to the finish line to cheer me on and gives me hugs and kisses. That one of my favorite parts about the end.

When I passed the "Mile 12" sign I decided I was done. I didn't want to be running in the cold anymore and I just wanted to see my boys. And I really wanted something to eat. So I just straight up sprinted for 1.1 miles. And it felt so right. "Why wasn't I pushing myself like this three miles ago?!", I thought. I rushed by several people and ran through the finish line. Yes!

There were a few tears, before and after. Tears of pride. Tears of fear. Tears of knowing I met another goal. That's a good feeling, friends.

I was a little sore, but better than I expected. We had to walk back to our hotel -- which was about a mile away -- and that was awful. I've never been so cold in my life.

I always tell myself when running, "You can do anything for __ miles/minutes." And it's true. It's just mental, mostly. There was a girl holding a sign on the course that said, "When your legs tire, run with your heart." So I did. And I prayed a lot.

And I kept singing part of the Toby Mac song, Hey Now. You know it? It's good motivation.

"So whether you're a loser or a winner by the numbers

Everyone knows a tie goes to the runnerSo lace up your shoes, get yourself in this raceCause this little thing here gonna set a new pace"

It was a good race.

{PS - Patrick and I had a great weekend talking and reflecting on SEVEN (yes, 7!) years of marriage. I'm a blessed woman to be married to that man, y'all. God is so good to me through Patrick.}

30 looks good on me.

Thirty has never been intimidating to me. In fact, I think thirty should be intimidated by me! As I look back, the years have only gotten better. Why would I long for days gone by when I know that the best is still yet to come?

Each year has had struggles and joys. Especially the last several. Not one year was perfect, but all -- in hindsight -- were just what the Lord planned for me and used to make me who He has created me to be. Certainly I can, at least, join in the fun that He has and laugh at the days to come! And I will. Good or bad, tears or laughter -- I will carry on and cling to Him. I simply cannot think of a better way to journey through life.

I have been anticipating thirty for three years now. As I watched Patrick joyfully enter his third generation, I wanted nothing more to be there with him :) He became a father, we made the best move of our marriage -- of our lives, he grew and changed -- not only in character, but in the Lord. Yes, thirty was appealing in so many ways thanks to my husband.

And now, here I am. And I don't mind saying this at all: I think 30 looks very good on me!

I had great aspirations of doing "30 things before 30". But being sick and pregnant and exhausted just ruined that idea. BUT not this year, friends! 31 things before I'm 31. BRING. IT. ON.

1. Run a half marathon - ha! This is almost not fair, but it's my list.

2. Memorize one new verse a month.

3. Finish scrapbooking AR's first year and year four of marriage (I know, I'm behind!)

4. Find someone to mentor, to pass along the wisdom I've been given

5. Have baby #3 in process -- whether by adoption or biologically

6. Have at least one date with Patrick a week

7. Go away for a weekend with Patrick, at least once!

8. Have a date with Benjamin at least twice a month.

9. Learn to enjoy each day -- whatever it holds

10. Get better at taking pictures

11. Finish my personal trainer certification! -- this is a huge one...

12. Run a few times a week, for fun.

13. Find a way to serve at church that will bring glory to God and also be mindful of my family.

14. Eliminate at least 80% of toxic household cleaners

15. Serve my friends better.

16. Find a way to not go over my grocery budget and stick to it!

17. Live according the the "limits" I set for myself back in August.

18. Make at least one crock-pot meal a week.

19. Implement the Paleo diet in our lifestyle 80/20

20. Blog at least once a week.

21. Learn to confidently make decisions.

22. Find ways to be better organized.

23. Get rid of five things a week!

24. Go on a beach vacation

25. See some thing/some place new

26. Learn at least 15 new things about Patrick

27. Find 10 new ways to serve and love Patrick better

28. Spend less time on my phone -- talking and playing

29. Learn to teach my children -- and not allow church or school to be their primary source of learning and knowledge.

30. Spend at least five minutes a day in silence, alone, with no distractions.

31. Grow in patience, discipline and contentment

Whew. That was hard! And some may seem a little silly or small, but nothing is too ridiculous if it means you're allowing yourself to grow and change. My whole life I've longed for something more. I've never been satisfied and have always looked around me to find contentment. I've wanted to be a "rock star" -- as I'm sure you know -- and have dreamed of finding myself labeled as more than a wife and mom.

But that's not true any more.

I've never been more satisfied. I've never been more grateful. I've never been more aware of my sin and self-righteousness and my absolute need for God's grace, through Jesus' death. I don't want "more". My identity is in Christ. My satisfaction is in Him -- and I will joyfully live right where God has planted me, knowing that this is His best for me. How could I be unsatisfied or disappointed in God's best?!

I have made the choice to look outward and upward. I have decided that when I'm looking up, nothing can pull me down. And when I'm looking outside of myself, nothing will stop me from doing what God has called me to do. What a freedom I have found in Jesus! {And I've know Him for 13 years!}

The last thirty years have been -- interesting, to say the least :) I'm grateful for the life the Lord has given me and I would have never, ever imagined that I would be where I am now: in love and married to the love of my life, staying at home and raising two beautiful boys, living in Oklahoma, seeing the world, not longing for something more.

I'm beyond blessed, friends. I'm truly humbled as I reflect on thirty years gone by. I'm confidently resting in the hands and plans of the Creator of the world. I'm anxious to see what's next. And I can only hope for thirty more years like the previous ones. I really do believe that His best is yet to come -- and I couldn't be more floored that it will get better!

Thank you, Lord, for thirty years!!!

{P.S -- I definitely, and joyfully, have spent my birthday cleaning floors, playing with boys, eating lunch with my favs and folding laundry. And I would have it no other way!!!}

{P.P.S -- Rosemary essential oil smells wonderful.}

A self challenge...

I've never been excellent with money. I can admit that. Patrick will agree whole heartedly. I am what you could call an "impulsive buyer". I just like the feeling of instant gratification. And I like having what I want.

On a positive note, though, I have really grown in this area over the last seven years (re: the length of my marriage) I have come to learn the difference between want and need. I've learned the idea of patience by waiting and saving for something. I have been blessed by stopping to consider the pros and cons of a purchase and then making an informed decision. I'm grateful for a very wise husband.

My struggle with spending money comes in the little, everyday things. A soda from Sonic here, a coffee from Starbucks there. And my most offensive {to our budget and my heart} spending comes on the "it's-been-a-long-morning-we-should-just-go-out-to-lunch-and-get-a-treat-" days. I think I have taken the word treat to an unhealthy level of necessity.

I don't want to spend money foolishly. I don't want to ignore or disrespect our budget. In fact, having a {strict and very detailed} budget has been beautiful for our marriage. Not just relationally, but financially. We have been able to save for incredible vacations; we have bought several things with cash instead of financing; and we're able to plan well for our future. I want to respect Patrick and his efforts to keep our budget up to date and I want to honor God by following the budget {and money} He has given us.

With all of this said, all I really wanted to tell you is that I'm setting some limits and goals for myself. I'm goal oriented and don't mind a good challenge. Especially when that good challenge can only produce good things :) I've been thinking over the last few days how I can be better about my spending and more mindful of how it affects me and our family. {all while searching for a pair of cropped, skinny, black, twill capris...I'm a work in progress}

First, I want to continually pray that my mind would be set on things above. I want to remember that I'm not here to please myself and to be of the world. I want to grow in godliness through this exercise. Also, I want to learn to be self controlled. I don't want craving and desires to consume me. I want Jesus to consume me! I don't want to feel like I need a "treat" to get through the day.

SO with all of that being said {again}, here are my goals. I will start tomorrow {since it's already 3pm} and maintain these "limits" until the end of the year. I'll re-evaluate on January 1st and go from there. I will offer myself grace, though, if we have visitors or if something is beyond my control.

1. I will only eat breakfast or lunch out once every 10 days. That gives me three times in a month to have a meal out. I think that's more than fair. This doesn't mean I can't hang out with friends. Sure, it's easier to meet at Chick-fil-a, but it just takes a little planning to meet at a park for a picnic or to have friends over.

2. I will only buy one coffee drink a week. This may be tough. In fact, I deleted this one and tried to think of something more frequent. But I knew it was what I was suppose to do. Ugh.

3. I will only purchase other drinks once every 10 days. I think I spend more money on drinks than anything else! It's so easy {and cheap, relatively speaking} to go to McDonald's and get an iced tea or to Sonic and get a cherry coke zero during happy hour! This may also help me stop loving soda. But more than that, I can make iced tea at home or buy soda at the store and make it last.

4. I will not buy clothes unless I need them. This is tough, too. I love shopping and finding something cute. It's so stress relieving and satisfying. But I don't need clothes. I was just able to purchase several things recently and it was such a blessing since I am not yet able to fit into some of my small clothes, but when I lost weight I got rid of my bigger clothes. AND I want to be mindful, when I do buy clothes, to purchase things that will last and that are age appropriate.

5. I will be able to have three "treat" times in a month. I can get a cupcake, or a soda, or a coffee, lunch - whatever! But I will need to be mindful of my other spending limits. And I want to use these "treats" wisely.

That's all I've come up with so far, but I'm confident that it will be challenging. I am looking forward to learning from this and growing as I try to stop wanting. I'm excited to truly learn to be content - and this is a step in that direction. And I certainly don't want to set myself up for failure by not allowing any kind of spending. I feel like this is a great, graceful, happy medium :)

Anyone up for challenging themselves with me? If you do, leave a comment and let me know so I can keep up with you and encourage you!

Ironies of my life.

There are a few things that consistently make me think, "hum." I'm perplexed at the irony of life in that way. Here are some of the things that are currently baffling me. {These are in no way significant, deep or life changing. So you know ::grin::}

Why is it that when I run the dishwasher or a load of laundry or the dryer I feel insanely productive. Maybe it's the noise that reminds me that I did something good. But the instant that noise stops and I realize there is unloading or loading or folding that needs done, I feel insanely lazy and lose all motivation to be productive.

How can I want an ice cream cone so badly and then eat it and feel terrible? Can my body not handle the cravings it's making such a big deal of? I mean, if I need it shouldn't my body at least kindly enjoy it?! And why can't I remember this issue when I have the desire for ice cream?

Why in the world do I continue to eat doughnuts? Fact: I do not like doughnuts. Sometimes, though, I really want a doughnut with chocolate glaze all over it. I know it will make me feel disgusting and that I will regret every bite, so I eat one. Blah.

Even more so, why must I indulge in something I don't like {such as a doughnut} when it's free? What about free things make me lose all insight into myself and knowledge of how I work? Free = good, even if it's bad. That's just ridiculous of me.

How can I justify spending so much time on the computer when I know there are other things I could do that would make me feel a thousand time better about life and myself and whatever else it is that makes me think other wise? {That HAS to be a run-on sentence. Beth C, is this a run on sentence?} That blows my mind. And makes me really angry at myself. Where is my discipline?

Do you find it a little humorous that all of these things have to do with self control and discipline {or lack thereof}? Good grief in America! I would like to think that I'm pretty good at being self controlled and disciplined when I'm not pregnant, but that's just a pretty excuse. Clearly, I need to do some very stern self evaluation. Or maybe I just did.... hum. Ironic.

My hair...

I have a lot of thoughts on my hair. I could go on and on about this and that, but I won't. It's curly, naturally, and I've spent my entire life trying to figure it out.

It's been all over the place, length wise (and really I shed constantly, so I bet it is everywhere I've ever been). When I was 12 I got my hair cut short for the first time. It was awful. I looked like a mushroom and I've been fighting the mushroom look ever since :)

I grew it out {eventually} and also I haven't had bangs since 4th grade. After Patrick and I got married, I got a fabulous short hair cut and I loved it. But my sweet husband really loves my hair longer, so long it's been since I started growing out that fantastic bob! For two years, now, I've had pretty long hair that I wear straight more often than not. Having a child really takes away the fun of having curly hair. My hair is almost as high maintenance as Benjamin is!

But yesterday, I got my haircut. I went in with an idea. I went in with confidence! You see, I've never been one to worry about getting a hair cut. It's hair. It grows back. And I have so much hair that you can always hide something bad :) (for the most part because when you go to a chain strip mall place to get your haircut and the stylist does not speak English and you tell her that you want a trim and leave looking like a poodle with bangs...well, that's hard to hide)

Here is my point: I left the salon with super flat, sassy hair. I felt so hip. And you know I've always wanted to be hip :) I came home and washed my hair and styled it however I thought would work and voila! Also, I got long swoopy bangs. And I like that. That makes me feel hip.

Really I have nothing other to say than I got my haircut and I was super excited to get a different cut. Even Patrick liked it because it flips out on the ends. Bonus! All I have to show for this cut, though, are two pictures from my phone...

This is what I looked like after I left the salon:

And this is what my hair looked like after I washed and styled it. Also, I don't have make up on in this picture so I look a little rough :)

Ta-da! Aren't you glad I share my random life tidbits with y'all?! :)

RSV and the weather...

I woke up this morning feeling like death. Yesterday I was fine. The day before? Fine. Benjamin had a little fever, though. He was the one I was concerned about. Apparently, when you're pregnant and have a compromised immune system things get you a little faster (and a little stronger?!).

After coughing for hours with a pounding headache (and a sore throat, no appetite, coldness and exhaustion), I went to an urgent care clinic. And then after a mere two and a half hour (yes. 2 1/2 hours) wait, I was diagnosed with RSV. I thought only three year olds got RSV. I was wrong. The doctor told me even 100 year olds can get it. Thanks, doc. Either way, I'm not a fan of this virus.

I still feel awful and can't take anything since Beta is growing contently inside of me. Plus, it's a virus. My instructions were to take a lot of vitamin C and rest as much as possible. Clearly the doctor has never had a toddler to look after, alone, all day. Rest is not much of an option, but we'll do the best we can!

Today is certainly a day when I wished family lived closer. I could say, "Hey. At the risk of getting a bad cold, could you PLEASE come help me." Surely someone would agree... :)

So...I was looking at the weather today to see what I'll be missing for the next few days. As I scrolled down the page, I saw this:

Climate Comparison

NEW - Try this featured appRemove App

Right Now

Rome, Italy

41°F

Fog

Feels Like: 37°

Warmest in: October

Coldest in: July

Wettest in: October

Driest in: July

DESTINATION GUIDE

Compare More Locations:

• Photos: Winter Beauty
• Ski Resort Locator
• Find deep snow

Rome, huh? I could do Rome. Thank you for the good suggestion, Weather Channel. And even though the weather forecast was not as lovely as Edmond, OK , I was okay with at least going to try it out. It's Italy, for goodness sake! Never tempt a sick girl, or me in general, with Italy...cold, foggy weather - or not! I'll always go to Italy. The have truffles there! And incredible food. And a lot of things that I need to see and expeience first hand. See, now I want to go to Italy.

A little of this...a little of that...

Ah, around here normal days are just too much fun not to include you...

This is how we keep Piper entertained. Yes. Patrick squishes into a box and swats at the dog and makes him crazy. It's fun, I promise.

Piano time. Which happens every night because B wants to play the "pano" or wants to dance - he loves to dance. Last night, though, Benjamin just played along (and also banged the xylophone with cars) while daddy made some music.
High five to the first correct guess: Which one of these characters do not belong in the Nativity scene?
And here's me. Pregnant. At 16 weeks. Huge, already, I know. That's okay though. It's my second baby! :) I feel like this baby is taking up a lot more room in my abdomen than Benjamin did. AND my belly just feels so heavy, I think it's because I'm carrying lower this time than with B. But, I could just be a wimp. That's probably more accurate :)

I don't read.

Another blog of truth. I don't read for fun. I don't just pick up book after book and read all day until my heart is content, nor do I dream about doing so. In fact, there was a long period of my life where I would state one of my hobbies as "reading" because, well, I thought that made me look smart. And, during this time, if asked my favorite book I would try and try to figure out a book I read somewhere to make myself look wonderful. Like reading Pride and Prejudice every year - like Kathleen Kelly in "You've Got Mail". (Don't judge. I love that movie)

*Sigh* So with the risk of looking stupid, I'm telling the world: I don't enjoy reading! I mean, I can do it. In fact, in the course of my life I have read several books. However, it's not my first choice of entertainment. I mean, when I can cook up an awesome meal or bake a batch of cookies why would I sit down and read eight chapters in a book?

In my (shallow) defense, I have read a few books that have changed my life. Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers; The Hiding Place, by Corrie Ten Boom; Passion and Purity & Let Me Be A Women, by Elizabeth Elliot; Feminine Appeal, by Carolyn Mahaney. But I've read books, like Of Mice and Men and 1984 because I've had to (re: high school English class) and I've enjoyed them. It's just not what I would choose to do. Books are not something you get me because you know I will love them. You get me a book because I need them :)

Now, with all of this said, the whole purpose of this blog was to share with you books I want! Ha!!! But, be forewarned, most of them are cookbooks :) And a few things to encourage my heart.

Without further adieux, my book wish list:

Pioneer Woman Cooks, by Ree Drummond - highly recommended by many, forced on me my MJR. Ree Drummond has my dream life and I'm okay with this. I'll just read her book/cookbook and live vicariously through her.

Mastering the Art of French Cooking, by Julia Child - Ah. I just don't think I need to explain to any of you why I want this or how awesome I would become by cooking incredible French meals on a regular basis. There are two volumes (Julia was as wordy as me!) and why wouldn't I need both?

Morning and Evening, by Charles Spurgeon - Truth filled. Encouraging my faith. A little something to add to my times with the Lord. I'll take it.

Voices of the Faithful, by Beth Moore - This book is a collection of stories from missionaries and faithful servants of the Gospel. I love books like this, they make me want to scream the greatness and faithfulness of God from the roof tops.

Homemade Life, by Molly Wizenburg - Molly writes an article monthly for Bon Appetit magazine. She also has a foodie blog, Orangette, that is mostly about food and a little about life. Much like her articles. She and her husband opened a pizza shop in CA. I would like to be friends with her.

Well, that's the end of my list. I'm sure there are a few others, but these stand out to me right now. And if you love to read and it's a hobby, high five to you! I always wanted to be a reader. I just enjoy reading Real Simple and Cooking Light more than the latest novel. That's reading, right?! :)

Let's get organized...

Here is the thing about me: I think I'm an organizing genius. Here is the truth: I'm not even close to being an organizing amateur. It's an awful complex, only made worse by a 21 month old and a very neat and organized husband (whose desk is ALWAYS clean and I get terrible dirty looks if I leave something on it by accident/forgetfulness ::Grin:: ).

There was a time (as in my whole life up until five months ago) that I thought I should organize like a professional and follow the rules of every organizing article around. I tried my hardest to succeed, I just didn't. Major fail. So this left me feeling terrible about myself and unorganized. Not that I ever was organized, I just felt more unorganized now that it was a definite reality.

Then, one magical day, I realized - Hey! Not every person is the same! There has GOT to be a way for me to organize efficiently and to fit my personality. I'm still searching for that method, mind you, but I am definitely searching. I've concluded that 2011 must be the year I find this skill, er, method.

I've tried to narrow down my issues with organizing as to help me process myself and find a method.

Issue #1: My desk is in the kitchen! What an awful idea this is for someone like me. Sure, it's nice and convenient, but really now how can this look good. Cleaning my desk is an all day adventure. I have to save certain things. I have to figure out where to put important things. I have to move things around. I have to clean the desk with some kind of cleaner to make it smell good. I have to check facebook. I have to throw things away. I need a snack. I sort through papers. I pile papers into "special" piles. See? It can go on and on and on.

Issue #2: I make piles! Confession: I make piles of paper everywhere. I think I know what each pile holds, but that's not true. I forget within minutes. Piles are not a safe organizing method for me.

Issue #3: I don't know where to begin! You would think that at the age of 29 I would have some clue as to how I should sort my life in ways that make sense. False. I start in one place, and then I get distracted by all those pictures I meant to scrapbook last year. Then I don't know where put those so I don't forget about them. I clearly think that downsizing is my best option here. I mean, seriously, can't I just not be good at this and that be ok? :)

Issue #4: Maintenance! Now, on a regular (non-pregnant) basis, I am pretty good at maintaining a lot of things. Usually our houses is clean and neat. I can find all of our Christmas decorations and scrapbooks with a snap of my fingers. My kitchen is mostly efficient. My cookbooks make sense. My clothes are sorted in ROY G BIV order, even! (I wish I were kidding). But my desk. My bathroom drawers. My thoughts. All scattered. I can spend an endless amount of time cleaning these things and then moments later - gone. I need to have a desire to maintain organization in "my areas". I need to have motivation to maintain. I need, really, someone to maintain for me. That would be most helpful.

Once upon a time, Real Simple had an organizing quiz. I took it and turns out I was more of the "cluttered" organizer. But here is my confession: I really wanted to be the other way! When I looked at the pictures they provided to show how one type likes order and how the other likes order, I was disgusted at the way my "type" organized! That should say something for my desire, right? I really want to be a neat and skilled organizer. Really. I do!

Now I move toward something organized. De-cluttering is a good skill of mine, how can I not apply it in places that would make sense? And, for goodness sake, I'm a mom. How much nonsense do I really need on my desk and in my drawers? Isn't it enough that it's everywhere else?! I'm going to trudge through this. I spent my whole 25th year figuring out my favorite things (although that was really fun), I can certainly spend a year (Lord willing, less than a year) finding a way to get and stay organized!

Okay, friends, hit me with your best ideas! I'm willing to try anything (that will make sense to me)!!!

Things that make me crazy...

Crazy good AND crazy bad:

1. The way Piper barks at the back door so we will let him in. Just wait patiently, dear doggie. Maybe I don't want you in just yet...

2. How Benjamin seems to completely ignore any and all areas of "no" in our house. The TV, just don't touch it. Screaming, stop. The fireplace, leave it alone. Outlets, please stop removing the covers.

3. Being consistent. Saying "no" or "stop" over and over again is really not all it's cracked up to be. But I will remain as consistent as possible because I know it's worth it.

4. Humidity.

5. Patrick's old yearbooks. I laugh so much when we look through them and read things. It's really a great time.

6. Traffic. This is a big ole fat NOT good crazy :)

7. Extra hormones in my body. This, my friends, is a literal crazy. Just ask Patrick. Sweet, sweet man.

8. My lack of motivation lately during nap time. Why don't I want to clean my house or mop the floors? I know that I LOVE the outcome, but it's just so hard to pick myself off of the computer or away from the couch. Terrible, I know. It's just a season, I'm sure :)

9. The way Benjamin will run up to me and jump on my lap when we're watching Dinosaur Train. Oh. my. soul. Snuggles are what make a momma's world go round, y'all. My heart goes insane when I see that little face smirk at me.

10. That my baby is old enough to spend a day away from me. What? Not my tiny little, helpless baby. Oh, boy. I just can't stop this growing up business and I have to be okay with that. Soooo, I'll enjoy it.

11. That I used the word "just" way too many times in this post :)

Knowing the nearness of God...

So lately, things have kind of been a mess. You know, a thousand things get thrown at you at once and you can't really handle it all really well on your own. That kind of a mess.

Little things, like our plumbing not working anymore. This means I can't do laundry or run my dishwasher. It's terrible and I'm so spoiled by these conveniences, really I am. Showers and tolilets are fine because they are on the other side of the house. Luckily. I would be one unhappy momma if I couldn't shower in my own house whenever I wanted :) They are coming tomorrow to rip up our carpet, jack hammer into the concrete slab, fix the broken pipe and then fix the floors.

I've been praying that God would heal my body. I want to get pregnant, again. I want to have more babies. I mean, I've been praying. Pleading, even. Because I can. Because He can and He's able. Here is what I've concluded: As much as I want another child. As much as I don't want to have to do fertility treatments again, I want God. More and more and more of Him. I want to be used by Him. I want people to see His glory, whether it's in healing my body or allowing me the trial of fertility treatments.

You know what? I want God's plan and purpose to prevail, no matter what that looks like for me. But, my friends, I pray because God has called me to ask for great things. I trust His Word and His faithfulness. I pray because I believe in the power of the cross and the authority I have in Christ to come before God, undeservedly, and ask for the desires of my heart. No matter how He answers, I know Him more and I'm able to delight in His nearness to me. (see Isaiah 58:2) I "win" either way.

Mainly, though, this post is about my mom. My mom has cancer. We've know for about 6 weeks. I dislike that my mom has a tumor in her body. Truly, I get fearful and nervous and upset. But this does me no good. I am shaken, thinking I could be an orphan. I look to God for comfort and for peace in all of this. My mom's body is being invaded by something beyond my control. I pray constantly that she will be healed.

She goes into surgery tomorrow. Please pray for her. It's been a long wait for this. Her first surgery date was re-scheduled because of a cold. Now, two weeks after the original surgery date, she prepares for doctors to cut her open and remove the cancer. I pray that they can remove everything and that only the tumor is cancerous, nothing else. The good news in all of this is that the doctors seem very optimistic about the tumor. They won't know what stage it is until tomorrow, but they think they caught it very early. I thank the Lord for His kindness in this!

So, I sit here. Humbled that I've been chosen to endure so much at once, knowing it could be so much worse. I'm grateful that my God is near and able and powerful and full of mercy and grace. I'm hopeful that He will make good out of all of this. There is no place else I'd rather be. Despite my sin, my fear and doubt and pride, God has drawn me nearer to Him and given me faith that could move mountains. He has allowed me to see Him in ways I never have before. How kind of Him.

Talking it out

There have been a few trials in my life that have left me with only a few words and many tears. There have been situations where I've felt utterly helpless and, in some cases, hopeless. I have scars and wounds, like everyone else, from this life walk. I don't mind them, though. They have made me who I am.

I have deep emotional issues from lies I have been told and believed. I have personal convictions that have been tested and failed. But I have firm beliefs that have held true through the best and the worst.

After my dad died I went through about a year of depression. Surely you figured that out by reading my blog :) I didn't know it at the time, but pain and wounds were brought to the surface through my dad dying and the circumstances that surrounded it. Patrick and I saw an awesome counselor, in Texas, who really help me understand and process so much. I'm forever grateful for our decision to do that.

Over the last three months, or so, hard things have happened (that I'll get into another day). When Patrick found out that, as a Chesapeake employee, he and I get six free counseling sessions he called me right away. What an awesome opportunity to talk through things that have recently come up and things that have never been resolved! As a bonus, the counselor I'm seeing is a Christian.

Tomorrow is my first of six sessions. I'm sure we'll talk surface things and he'll get background information, but I'm on the right track. I'm dealing with my baggage and letting the Lord move in me. I'm ready and willing to heal and grow and change by dealing with and confronting my past.

It may be hard. There will be tears. But I can't wait until I'm a little bit closer to being the woman God created me to be.

Another random update...

A few things:

*I've been using mineral oil after I get out of the shower and now I'll never go back (to not using it). Just rub a ton all over yourself while you're still wet and the dry off. Instant moisturization! (is that a real word? I don't think it is.). Try it.

*I made Patrick hide the scale from me. I was becoming way too obsessed with what I weighed everyday. It was getting unhealthy and I didn't want to be a slave to working out and weighing myself and what size jeans I wore. This is a HUGE step for me and a really awesome step in the direction of loving who God created me to be.

*I'm doing a 14 day cleanse. I won't elaborate, unless you ask me personally. But. I am.

*Have I mentioned how much I love Zumba? I love being sassy while shaking my booty, while getting my sweat on, while listening to seriously awesome music. I was made to salsa dance. How did I miss this calling?!

*Benjamin said "amen" tonight when we were done praying. He is too cute and says new words everyday. I'm so amazed at all he is learning. I'm so humbled by the fact that I get to watch him learn and explore and grow. A few new words: "hold me", "up please", "elmo" - which is what he calls his stuffed panda that is necessasry in all parts of the day, "gorilla" - because his current favorite book is Goodnight, Gorilla.

*Speaking of Benjamin and being a momma. Uh - toddlers are tough! So many hard days. So little sanity. I'm so, so, so grateful for grace (and God given mercy, patience and strength).

*I turned everything in for Mother's Day Out. Although I'm slightly apprehensive about leaving my baby for almost six hours one day a week, I'm really looking forward to that one day a week.

*I've decided that the only way to get over the heat and to embrace it is by running. Outside. In the heat. Because it's always pretty hot. This only means I'll be a rockstar runner come fall :)

*Getting a zoo membership may have been one of our best investments while living in OKC, so far.

I think that's all.