To some, depression might be what you feel when you've had a bad day or even a bad week. To others, you may not use the word to ever describe your emotions. I, however, use the word depression with much thought and much understanding. I am clinically depressed. It's not situational, it's not a mood, it's not an adjective to my week.
It's not a word to be used lightly, to be tossed around here and there. I don't, I assure you, now that I know what depression feels like. I have been depressed for eight months. I have more bad days than good days. I cry more often than not and I find myself longing to be anywhere but where I am.
You may not think I should be depressed. You may only see good things for me. I'm glad that you can. I still struggle with the emotions brought up with my dad dying. I struggle with being infertile. I struggle with moving to a new place, just when I started to feel at home. I struggle with things I've never dealt with, with emotions I didn't know I had.
You see, when you're in such a state, you can't get out. You are beyond the point of choosing to be happy or sad. You live most days in a black hole and you just can't figure out how to get out. On my worst days, I'm mean and angry and cry all day. On my best days, I laugh a few times and feel motivated to talk to people.
Depression isn't something that I thought I would go through. It's not an emotion I understood or was compassionate toward. Now, I can't help but notice when someone is sad or having a bad day. I see when tears have been cried, even if their face isn't red.
I cry for no reason. I get angry at the smallest things. I cannot control my emotions. I want terribly to make my own decisions, to be able to change my feelings. I spend countless hours trying to figure out who I am now. This is not who I am, but I can't change a thing. It must run it's course. Clinical depression hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally. Nothing feels right.
You can judge me. You can tell me I've not prayed enough. You can tell me I don't seek the Lord enough. You can tell me that I've fallen into sin and have a hard heart. I will tell you that you are naive. I've cried out to God for relief. I must walk this road to know Him more. I've sought God's word for guidance. I must cling to the hope of His promises, that I am not alone and that He has incredible things for me.
Over the last week, I've been able to smile a little more. I laughed with Patrick over something so small and so silly. My bad days are getting to be less intense and my good days are more memorable. I know I'm not healed yet, I know I'm not in the clear. But I do know that I am on my way to being myself again. I know that the Lord has tenderly guided me through each bad day and each tear cried. I know that someday I will laugh until I cry again. I know that someday, I'll look back at this time of depression and remember all that God has taught me. I know that someday, the Lord will use this hard time in my life to bring glory to Him name...and for that, the tears are worth it.