Waiting..

I've allowed myself to be a little more hopeful of being pregnant this month. I've given myself permission to get slightly excited and a little giddy at having a child. I have even looked at a pregnancy website. But, it ended there.

That was two days ago and now I'm just waiting until day 30 to get blood taken and find out if I am pregnant. I'm most certainly prepared for the disappointment of a negative result - that's what I've had for the last three years. In the back of my mind, though, there is the little glimmer of hope that I have not let die.

Truly, my confidence is in the Lord and I trust that He has this all worked out. Ultimately, this isn't about me - but about Him and I'm okay with that. It's just that this waiting, it's hard. I know that anyone who has been or is pregnant has had to go through this waiting stage. However, for those of you who have conceived, the wait brought good news. None of my waiting stages have brought good news, so each time I wait it gets harder.

This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday:
"Here I am. Hopeful. Waiting. Wanting.
Yet I'm doubting. Watching. Cautious.
The lines are blurred: Embrace. Protect. Enjoy. Neglect.
Even still, as always, You alone know."

How do I enjoy the possibility of being pregnant without hurting myself? Where do I let down my guard? When do I stop questioning and start listening? When do I start being patient with God's timing?