After my dad died, I only had one dream about him. I was so scared of seeing him in my dreams that I would pray every night that it wouldn't happen. Maybe because it was such a shock? Because I was still dealing with so much emotionally? Because I was truly scared of seeing him? I don't know.
My sister would tell me that she would have dreams about him all the time. Dreams where it was nearly real and she was having full conversations with our dead father. That's what caused me to pray for an undisturbed sleep. There was so much going on in my heart, my mind, that I just didn't want to deal with it.
So here I am now, two years and three months later, not scared of these dreams anymore. I've been healing. I've talked with a counselor. I've been working through things and coming to terms with stuff I didn't understand before August 19, 2006. And I've been having dreams about my dad.
I'm not sure why it's started up all the sudden. It could be because I'm not afraid anymore, but I'll never know. My dreams are never scary and I never wake up worried or upset. In fact, my dreams are somewhat funny, random and always pleasant.
There is a pattern to my dreams. I see my dad, we are talking and hanging out (the last dream he lived in the big house with a small kitchen and I was making him dinner). We are laughing, sharing life and having fun. However, there's always an abrupt end to our time together. The last dream (while I was making him dinner) the police came and arrested him for something weird like walking the wrong way or a parking ticket. I talked with him later in the dream and he said he was fine and would be coming back soon for dinner.
Maybe that's odd to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. Although the dreams change in scenery and scape, the plot is always the same. So was my relationship with my dad (in the last few years of his life). We would talk and share things, we would make jokes and ask questions. The conversation or time together was (usually) pleasant. My relationship with him was pleasant, but ended abruptly with his death. Now, I relive that in my dreams in a variety of ways.
My dad and I didn't talk very often. He was busy, I'm sure, and didn't return too many of my messages (sometimes I think he forgot how to check his phone messages ::grin:: ). We didn't see each other often since I lived in Texas, but every time we came back to Morgantown we would hang out with him. So, we weren't best friends, but he is my dad and our relationship meant the world to me.
Maybe these dreams are a way for me to feel connected to my dad in a time where I miss him so much. A time in my life where I want him around - to talk about being pregnant, what I was like when I was little, to see him first grandchild. Since I can't have him around - it's not a choice for me - I'll just dream about spending time with him and sharing life with him. That will just have to do.
2 comments:
I think God definitely uses our dreams sometimes to comfort or bring us healing. My Dad had an awesome dream about his Dad shortly after he died and it was such a gift.
Every time I read one of your blogs about you dealing with the loss of your dad, I read it and think what if it were my dad? My heart goes out to you. I don't like to imagine if it were my dad who died, but it's a part of life I will one day have to deal with as well. It's truly a loss, but like Jeannie says, a gift to be able to have pleasant dreams about him. Sometimes my dreams are just as real as my days awake and yes, I too believe God uses them to bring healing. :)
Post a Comment