Here we are at week 39. I really didn't think I would make it this far, I thought I would have met my baby by now. Despite myself, my impatience and selfishness, I know it's for the best that our little guy stays put until he is ready. It's a sacrifice far more important than how I'm feeling or my comfort.
Of all the ups and downs, twists and turns or pregnancy I feel the one thing most sincerely prayed about (by myself) has been labor and delivery. I don't fear the next step at all. I don't hesitate to desire it to come. In fact, I've been excitedly awaiting the arrival of the day I start having contractions. I feel prepared (as I can be) mentally, spiritually and physically. I know, for certain, that God has called me to this, that He made me for this and has graciously given me this desire and excitement. I mean, who else could it come from!?
With all of that said, I thought my labor would start spontaneously and naturally and I'm still praying it would. I've been ready with bags packed for a few weeks now! So when we found out that my doctor was leaving for vacation three days before my due date, I was sent into sort of a panic. On Thursday, Dr. McCoy gave us the option of breaking my water on Monday so that he could deliver our baby.
The last three days have been a whirlwind of emotions. I've been on my knees fervently praying for guidance, wisdom and a pure heart. I desire to labor and deliver without any medication (and I may not need it, still). I understand that medicine is not bad and, in fact, would not decline it if it meant saving the life of my child (or my life). I also understand everyone is so different! One way or another is not "better".
As I searched God's word and prayed and journaled, I found so much more of myself resting in the Lord. I am always humbled by how quickly God reaches out to us when we cry out to Him. This decision was taking everything out of me and I didn't know what to do. After talking and praying with Patrick and talking with our doula, we decided to schedule the procedure for Monday morning.
It came down to this: I'm not opposed to having my water broken (I just don't really want pitocin if it doesn't work). Plus, the doctor on call is very impatient and is quick to do episotomies and persist with the use of medications and interventions. (this information as given to my by our doula who has worked with this particular doctor.) I'm more willing to have my doctor and know that he'll respect our birth plan, than to be with a doctor who really just wants the baby to come out so he can leave.
My struggle was laid bare as I asked questions. Saying yes to having my water broken meant failing. It meant being a hypocrite, a disappointment, a failure. Things I've struggled with my whole life were being revealed and confronted in a way I never thought they would. Honestly, when it comes down to it what I really want is for God to be glorified. Will our decision honor Him? Will He get the glory? Will we know Him more through this? Will we make Him known?
It was a beautiful thing to wrestle through these thoughts with God and trust that He is the One I want to seek for approval. God is the One who knows all and is in control of all things. He knows the best option. He knows the way He'll get the most glory. He knows my heart. He knows my baby!!! And I trust Him more than anything else, ever. He has never let me down, He has never left me alone, He has never, ever hurt me. Why would He start now? I believe God has great things in store for this adventure and however it comes to be, I'm so excited that I've been blessed to be apart of it. I'm so thrilled to be apart of this miracle, childbirth.
This post was so random, so back and forth, but you all have been such an intimate part of this journey with me. Pray that I would go into labor before Monday, but if I don't, pray that having my water broken would be enough. I believe it's okay to ask for such specific things!
I'll leave you with this passage that I've felt so encouraged and comforted by over the last few weeks. I have it written out on a notecard to take to the hopsital with me. What could be more comforting and more stregthening that God's word?!
"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary."
*Isaiah 40:28-31
Amen!
8 comments:
I think you are making the right decision--you have glorified God so much already with all the decisions of your infertility and then your pregnancy and this will surely glorify Him as well. Can't wait to meet the little guy!
Beautiful passage!! I am hoping and praying right along with you that you go into labor before Monday. And...I think when Dr. McCoy breaks your water things will go as they should. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God revealed Himself to me in a very cool way in the weeks before Cameron was born. I sang on our worship team for four straight weeks before his birth. We were doing a certain series, and our worship pastor scheduled Lincoln Brewster's "Everlasting God" (based on Isaiah 40) every week, and I led it, EVERY WEEK. It was an outstanding reminder of God's faithfulness as I struggled to be patient. :)
What a wonderful day it will be! Not easy, not without it's own peaks and valleys, but wonderful. Looking forward to THE CALL :)
hey! i found your blog through beth crousers blog. Brent and I used to be on staff with ccc at wvu - i'm not sure if you remember meeting me. i think you graduated the year before we came. ANyways I was also up and down about being induced. The doctor was going to induce me on a friday and i really wrestled with if it was a good decision or just my impatience but i went into labor Thursday night and my baby was born on Friday morning- at 7:17 and I was supposed to be induced at 7am which meant my doctor was able to be there for his birth. Its amazing how God orchestrates every birth and labor and its truly a miracle every time. We'll be praying the same goes for you but the day before I must have had 10 different emails from women or calls telling me they had been induced and it wasn't as bad a labor for them so that gave me such peace. I'm praying for a safe and easy delivery and also for peace for you on whatever decision you make. can't wait to see your little boy!
Is it possible to wait? A lot of first time mothers have babies a week or two past their due date, healthy and thriving.
If you have prayed and found peace, do not stray from that. I will pray things go quickly on Monday. I was induced, and it did not result in any undesirable effects, just the birth of a healthy baby! So dont believe the hype about inductions being bad and go for it on MONDAY!
We women tend to set too high of expectations for ourselves sometimes (if so-and-so can do it naturally, so can I)...I had hopes of how my delivery would go and it didn't go that way at all!!! Just release those things to God, you are right, He will hold you through it all!!
Love you and praying for you!
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