Waiting

The last two weeks have been so hard. I'm constantly thinking, "Will today be the day?". I have no control over my body and that's so hard for me.

My body has been preparing for our baby to come out for about three weeks. I started dropping at 34 1/2 weeks. Last week I was 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. It's discouraging to know that all the things they tell you to look for are not always going to happen. I could just start having contractions and BAM! Everyone's body is different, their story is different. I'm just ready to know mine :)

Over the last four days, I've tried to keep myself occupied, distracted, busy. I've been scrap booking, cleaning, walking, cooking. But there is always a lingering thought in the back of my head. I know I'm just trying to fool myself into thinking life is normal right now.

I've been crying a lot. Mainly because I'm impatient, I'm uncomfortable, I'm tired, I'm ready. I cry out to God for strength and joy. I recall His promises of not leaving me and being in control. I remember that His timing is perfect. Even when I remember all of His goodness, I cry more knowing that not many good things come with out a little suffering.

I've had to surrender myself to the fact that, quite honestly, there is not much at all I can do to rush our little man out into the real world. I try to tell Benjamin how much fun it will be and all the great things he can see. However, if I were all cozy in a womb of love I don't think I would rush out into this harsh, sinful world. Oh, but I wish he would... selfishly.

So I wait. I pray constantly. I walk whenever I can. I clean random things. And when I least expect it, I'll become a mother and my life will never, ever be the same. Surely that seems worthy of patiently waiting for...