Surprises of post pregnancy and life with a baby...

Surely people refrain from telling you everything about certain stages of life. I firmly believe this is because, somewhere deep inside, those people don't want to be blamed for the halting of marriages, pregnancy and baby raising across the globe. I am not one of those people. Let me ruin the surprise of it all and prepare you to deal with the imminent chaos of life.

No one told me that after I had a baby I would have no bladder control. Do your kegels pregnant girls because running is hard when you can't hold it. Don't even think about trying to finish this last four dishes while crossing your legs. Just go, there will be a mess if you don't.

I was surprised to learn that baby poop defies gravity. It doesn't matter how your bundle of joy is positioned, the poop always goes up and out when you least expect and always, always when you least want it to. Of all things unexpected to fly, why poop?

Your body will feel weird even two months after birth. Oh, you wanted to sit up? Ha. Roll to your side a little first because your core muscles are lost in the woodwork. Every body is different. I was able to lift weights and run by five weeks. I consider every bit of that extended grace from God and an encouragement, from Him, to have more children. He, and most of you, know that I would otherwise not think twice about it.

Nap time seems like a great time to finish the laundry, sweep the floors, clean the dining room, or scrapbook. However, once you've completed one or more of those things and decide that napping yourself would be the best option, the baby will wake up. No joke. It's a sixth sense.

Even if you say you'll never do something, you will. As soon as that baby pops out you're a goner. You'll give your baby the (dreaded, awful, blissful) pacifier. You will, without a doubt, stick your finger in every crevasse on the baby's face. Picking his nose, removing eye boogers, cleaning his ears - you have become a momma. Also, even though it sounds and is really gross, you will bit your baby's fingernails because A) it's the fastest way to prevent him from slaughtering his face with his rapid growing nails. B)you hate the clippers C) you're bored while feeding.

Friends, breastfeeding doesn't help everyone lose weight. Like me, for example. Also, that chocolate cake may sound fantastic for dinner while your pregnant, but think about this first - do I want cake stuck to my hips and thighs for the next six years? I did not think about this first. Please heed my warning and learn from my mistakes.

How is it that some women can fit back into their pre-pregnancy clothes just a few weeks after giving birth? Did they eat? How much weight did they gain? Sure my 34 pounds gained during pregnany has lowered, but my size 6 jeans seem a little far off at least for a few more months.

Your baby will be the cutest thing on the planet to you. Sometimes I just look at Benjamin and my heart gets all tingley and I can't stop by smile and cry a little. Then he smiles and I can't stand it and I start telling him how precious and incredible he is - wherever we are. If people don't agree, then they can just not listen to me go on and on about my baby.

You will become an excellent one handed doer of anything. Typing. Feeding. Eating. Washing your hands. Making dinner. Doing the laundry. Making the bed. Anything. If you did it before with two hands, you'll master it with one before the end of two weeks. I bet you never knew that skill would become so important to you, either!

I could go on, but I have to go to the chiropractor and I really want to do that so I can run more comfortably this evening. Oh and I promise, with all of my heart, being pregnant and having babies is a beautiful wonderful miracle. There is just a lot of humor to be had in it all. If we couldn't laugh through it, we just might not make it. :)