Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cancer thoughts

Since I found out my mom has cancer, my mind has sort of blurred the whole thing around until it's barely unrecognizable. I process it in pieces. I know she has cancer. I know the facts. I researched the stats and the treatments and all the other stuff you don't want, but want to, read on WebMD.

I have it all figured out, now. You see, I'm great at making terribly morbid plans in my head and then just waiting for them to happen. It's the hidden pessimist in me. Not too many people get to experience it. It's kind of overwhelming. My great grandmother had cancer. My uncle had cancer. My cousin had cancer. Patrick Swayze had cancer. My mom has cancer. In my plan, I'm waiting to get cancer because, clearly, that's what happens. My plans stop short of remembering what great medical advances we have today. It has no rational basis whatsoever. It's strictly emotional and clearly insane. At least I know this.

Today, at the Y, I was breaking a sweat on some machine and getting tired. I slowed down. Instantly, I smacked myself back into shape. "Ashley. You need to work out and be healthy. You don't want to get cancer." That's what I told myself. You don't threaten yourself? Oh. This is all in a days thoughts for me. Please know, though, there is a lot of positive stuff going on in my head about cancer. I've already told you about that, though.

Since finding out that colon cancer has invaded my mom's body there has been a series of unfortunate, and downright discouraging, pieces of information given to us. First, cancer. Second, it's in the lymph nodes - 7 of them. Third, it's stage 3 (C). Fourth, chemo for sixth months. Now, I realize that this is all happening to my mom, but I feel like it's happening in my own body! And for some reason, most of the time, I'm completely unfazed by it. I take it as facts, look cancer in the face, snub my nose and then say something sassy (to the cancer) about God being in control and powerful and faithful. Today, I'm not unfazed (obviously).

Yesterday, though. Yesterday was a bright spot in all of this. My mom had a PET scan on Tuesday and the results came back normal! You want to know why this is so exciting? Normal results mean that the cancer hasn't spread!!! Wonderful! I'm still praising God for this kindness, for this glimmer of hope, for undeserved mercy!

So, there you have it. My thoughts on cancer. The next time, I bet I'll be back to being less sassy and more practical. One day at a time, friends :)


mom of 3, hater of cheese and birds said...

Praise the Lord for a clean PET scan!

Baby Hancock said...

My heart is with you, though I am at a loss for words to type. Please call me talk anytime.

mama cindy said...

You're breaking my heart!! I love you! Yeah for a normal PET scan.