You know, I didn't really think that doing fertility treatments again would be hard. I'm not sure why I was so naive about that. Even with extra hormones and waiting and hcg shots and blood work and mean doctors, I know it's worth it.
One thing that has been so sweet this time around is that I feel like I'm in a place where the Lord has been teaching me so much. I'm constantly reminded of how sinful I am. I'm continually brought to tears over my lack of strength and control. Truly, God has made Himself known to me in ways that I don't even think I can clearly articulate just yet. But I know that in the end - it's going to be crazy good!
As hard, as lonely even, as taking hormones can be I'm blessed to be known and cared for by the Creator of the world. The Lord God Almighty knows me, created me with PCOS and is lovingly walking with me through all of this. Actually, I think He's carrying me through all of this. Humbled, broken, unworthy, a child of God, redeemed by the incredible substitutionary death of Jesus...that's where I'm at. It's soooooo good here, friends.
I do struggle. In fact, I had an emotional breakdown last night. It's necessary. I'm so emotional that if I don't look at, deal with and share my emotions I turn into a terrible, rotten person. :) There are hard days when I don't want to have PCOS or when I just want to blink and get pregnant. But what good would that be? Not God's good. His good for me is this: that Jesus died on the cross to take away my sins, that I live in and for that, and because of this I can endure anything for His glory. Amen? God's good, His best for me, right now is fertility treatments. I believe that and I love that (well, most days I only like that).
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said this, "Heaven forbid I experience the pain and miss the lesson." Yes! This, my friends, is how I want to live. It may not be easy to be going through fertility treatments, but it could be harder. I am not experiencing pain like 80% of the world experiences it every day - in terrible ways. I need to remember that. Fertility treatments may take a lot out of me, but it leads me closer to Jesus. And I certainly never, ever want to miss that!