Sunday, June 5, 2011

On being a rock star...

It's no secret that God has been teaching me over and over again about dying to myself and my desires to fulfill His. Unfortunately, I'm slow to learn and have had to endure many lessons on this in the last few years. I feel like I write about this so often.

Something I've always struggled with is wanting something "more". I even remember as a child thinking "what if" and trying to plan my future into something really fantastic. As a young adult, when I was living on my own, I didn't like where I was at all most of the time. I didn't like my circumstances and that I wasn't able to be in school like my friends. I wasn't a huge fan of working full time and supporting myself. It was my lot, though, and looking back it was right where I was suppose to be to learn reliance on a Mighty God.

After Patrick and I got married it was hard to tell people I was a homemaker. Mostly because so many people questioned this decision and eagerly vocalized their concern and disapproval. Even after Benjamin was born it was hard to be a stay-at-home mom. I had wanted to be a momma my entire life and now I was so dissatisfied with being home with a sweet baby all day.

I was constantly wondering what I could do to be better, to be something great. I wanted to a rock star. The center of attention. Something that would never get old or monotonous or boring.
Or would it? Every season of life brought out this search in me. An unsatisfied woman looking for her place in this fast paced, be something great world. A rock star life seemed like my perfect fit.

I realize that I'm quick to try to change the way I look or how I'm perceived by others. How can this be glorifying to God? What I'm really doing is telling God that His plans for me aren't good enough and I can't trust Him to make it, make me, better. It's a sinful attitude rooted in pride. Clearly I think that I can be the "god" of my life and be content. That is a lie. I can never, ever be satisfied without full surrender to Jesus.

And that's where I am today. Surrendered. Broken. Longing for contentment in Him.

Something changed when Andrew was born. My heart softened a little, my eyes opened. My sin was exposed. I stopped expecting and wanting. I didn't want to miss anything else because I was so caught up with myself. I didn't need to be a rock star anymore.

Selflessness has been necessary to survival the last 19 days {or the last 29 years?!}. I can't make it without God - all of Him. And I need to remember this and grasp this before I forget again. All I have is Christ...

I want so badly to honor God with the calling He has given me. Right now, I'm called to be a wife and a mom and a homemaker. I'm called to love my enemies and serve the church. I'm called to be humble and grateful and selfless. And for so long I've not given these things the devotion they deserve. I haven't give God the devotion He deserves.

So, perhaps, this is a post of confession. And repentance. A written word of brokenness and hopelessness without Jesus. A realization. My heart desires to live according to the calling I've received - to be content with my life of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, spend wisely, kissing bumps and bruises, time-outs, turning down invitations because of nap time, trips to the zoo, long and hard conversations, building pretend houses, slow and leisurely walks, date nights, sleepless nights and scratching backs.

*And doing it all for the Lord and without thinking I deserve something for each selfless, humble thing I do.*

I want joy and contentment. I want to live wholly surrendered to an all-knowing God, who planned out exactly where He wants me to be for His glory. I want to learn more and more about Jesus and His love for me, His incredible sacrifice. And out of that I want a to live a life that is not comparable to the world. I want to live so all might see Jesus in me. A reflection. A little pool of nothing, made something by the kindness and grace of God.

I don't need a posh, rock star, look-at-me kind of life. I just need Jesus. More of Him and less of me.

1 comment:

Jeannie said...

Okay, but you still ROCK, just so you know. :)