God has recently revealed to me how much of an idol having children is to me. I honestly don't know the root of this issue, but I do know that there is so much of me that takes the idea of having more children to an obsessive place.
This was such a strong struggle for me. I had to wrestle with the Lord pretty intensely through this. After about a week of crossing my arms and refusing to surrender, I was exhausted. I was tired of crying and wanting what I wanted. I was tired of living in my kingdom, and not seeking to live in God's kingdom.
So I gave it to Him. I gave back the desire for children. I allowed Him to mold me and change me and grow me. And finally, after so many tears and reading so many verses, I rested in His sovereignty. I recognized how sweet He was so allow me to have TWO amazing boys. I rejoiced in the blessing of these healthy, strong, beautiful babies. And then I released the burden of wanting more -- for myself, to be known, to be something -- and thanked God for two children.
If two is all He wants me to have, then two I will enjoy and embrace. They are not mine anyways. And more than that -- Children are not what define me, or satisfy me. I am not any more worthy or holy or stronger if I keep having babies.
He is enough.
Two kids is enough because God is enough. He is my satisfaction. He is my joy. He defines me. And I will move on with that hope, that confidence and that truth.
My burden, my sin, my idols -- they are heavy. But God's burden is easy and His yoke is light. I know that full well, friends. Wresting with God in the wilderness of my journey may be one of the most difficult things to do as I'm learning more and more to die to myself and live for Him. But I want it more and more each time I wrestle and seek His face.
|These boys! I love them!|
I'm not sure it gets better than this, friends!
And you want to know something? You never wrestle with God and lose! Not only did I grow and change and know the Lord more, but He allowed me to have such a pure desire for more children. If we have more, wonderful! If we don't, I'm more than satisfied in Him and His perfect gifts.