The last few months have been hard. I am constantly begging for God's mercy and compassion, only to be reminded that God will have mercy on whom He chooses. I hope desperately it's me. That sounds so selfish to me. I'm very aware of God's mercy sent through a small baby that grew up to die and save the world, but selfishly I want so much more from God.
I met with a very dear and close friend yesterday. It was so refreshing and completely timely to sit and talk with her for three hours - authentic, honest, vulnerable. It was so great to share my heart and confess my struggles. Selfishness is a struggle for me and it lingers from one area of my life to the next, consuming goodness and pure intentions.
I want badly for all things to center around me and focus only on my needs and desires. I live a life of selfish ambition and pray in vain for relief. Surely I would be free from this sin, had I the willingness to let it go. I want to be out of this darkness in my life and rejoice as I did in the days of my youth. I want to go about joyfully and dance around with a tambourine. I come before the Lord with my finite, impatient time table and demand an immediate relief and rescue. How ridiculous of me to think that my ways are higher than the Lord's. Who am I, that God should be mindful of me? I am humbled by His word, "He remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:14)
I was reading a journal entry from July. I am sad to say that I'm still struggling with the same things. Certainly, there are many reasons why I'm still trudging through this wilderness. This is what I wrote, "I so easily doubt when You call me to live by faith. I mistake 'Wait on Me' for 'I have forgotten you'. ...Compared to You, I'm nothing. My smallness is even smaller today. All of my words, my anger, my fears and frustrations in this situation are ridiculous compared to the plans You have for me."
I desire to love the Lord so deeply and so intimately that I would long to sit at His feet and listen for His voice. However, I must confess that recently I skip past the lingering in His presence for fear of what He might say. Have I labored in vain to seek the Lord? Only to be stopped by a hard heart and a silent God? I realized that God is near, if only in His constant goodness to me, and that He is not silent, I am just not listening.
Lord, give me an undivided heart. Turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. Allure me to Yourself and heal my waywardness. Teach me Your ways and Your truth, that I may walk closer to You and trust the smile of Your face and the blows of Your fist. May my heart want You more than any other thing. Your timing is perfect, Your discipline is purposeful and Your hand is healing. I need You and I love You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.