Lately, I've been so preoccupied with myself and various other things that I've forgotten that I want a baby. Does that sound completely ridiculous? It does to me. I have cried so many tears over infertility only to wake up one morning more excited about doing a triathlon than trying to conceive a child.
I believe that the Lord is sovereign and fully in control of my womb. I believe that my heart wants babies more than I could ever express with words. I also believe that my God is a God of miracles. With all of this said, you would think that my heart is okay with not being able to get pregnant.
I fall into an odd category in life. Every time I talk to someone, they tell me they or someone we know is pregnant. On a pretty regular basis I'm very excited for that person and get pretty pumped about buying them something off of their registry. All of the other times, I smile and then run and cry. So, do you tell me your pregnant and risk me crying? Or do you keep it on the hush around me? Do you talk to me about your baby news or do you ignore the topic all together around me? Aren't infertile women (me) a pain?! (FYI-please tell me and talk to me about it. I want to share in your excitement and God's blessing in your life!)
Since I've not been thinking about it too much, it just doesn't seem to come up in conversation as often and when I find out a friend here or there is expecting, it's great! However, over the last three days I've found out that six people are expecting! I think my true test of standing firm in my faith, in my trust of God and my desire to obey Him comes now. It comes not when I'm forgetting that we're trying to have babies, but when I'm surrounded by beautiful bellies holding precious lives; When I remember that I have to go to the doctor again; when I remember that we've been trying for almost two years.
I do want children, but I don't want them out of God's will. I want to be a momma and raise my babies to know Jesus. I want to cry and laugh because we have children. I want to be a parent with Patrick...but in no way do I want these things if God has something different for us now. I'm certain that right now we're experiencing God's best for us. Truly, we are right where He wants us, even if that means we don't have a child. I want my heart to be okay with that.
Lord, give me patience, give me trust, give me a firm faith that can stand strong under these storms.