Most days I don't notice that I don't have many friends in Indiana, PA. I've kept myself rather busy and, in fact, I think I've made myself believe that I'm better off alone. I do things I enjoy when I have nothing else to do and find time to explore this place we live so I can stop getting lost.
To be quite honest, I don't think I really want to make any more friends. I don't want to recall my major life events and then share many, many stories with someone to feel comfortable with them. Mostly, if they don't know my dad died and they weren't my friend before that I'm finding it hard to let them in.
That's a huge deal to me. I was so alone, friend-wise, after my dad died. The people I thought I could count on through thick and thin didn't say a thing to me. The friends I've had forever, disappeared. I think my heart is bitter toward friendship and there are only a handful of friends that I talk to now. My loss, indeed.
Frankly, I can understand the distance after my dad died. It's a hard issue and it's really not something we're taught to deal with. It's doesn't happen often enough that we're prepared to stand up and take charge. We don't know how to take charge when someone dies! We don't know what words to say or how to relate. Me included, until my dad died.
How do I get over this? When will I want to make friends again? When will I not feel so alone? These are all questions I know the answer to, questions that I ask often. But the real issue isn't my friends. The issue isn't being lonely. The issue, simply, is that I choose to rely on myself and hold on to the past more than I choose to let God heal me, grow me and bless me.
It's so hard to get over somethings. It's so hard to let go of hurt. Even though it tears you up inside, you can't seem to loosen your grip. It's so easy to play the victim and enjoy self pity. How can I be so content in sadness, when there is immeasurable joy in the Lord? I trust that the Lord is in control. I trust that I am not able to do anything without Him. I just wish I would trust in the Lord more than trusting in myself. You can pray for that.