So, I've started on the Provera. It's going to make me have a period so I can start Clomid. I pretty much hate Provera...or maybe I just hate the week before I have a period.
You see, since my periods are not regular at all, knowing my pre-period symptoms doesn't always make sense until afterwards. To my surprise I have gained three pounds this week, feel (and probably look) terribly bloated, all I want to eat is chocolate, I'm hungry constantly, my head hurts and I'm constipated (so sorry about that one). Oh, also I'm not sleeping well. Okay, super. All in a matter of five days my body has changed completely!
Here I am, in the middle of the night, wondering why I've never noticed all of this before. I feel like a confused teenager...well, maybe not...but I look forward to starting my cycle! Not only do I have mixed emotions about Provera, but it's making me think a lot more about starting Clomid. I'm finding myself doubting it will work one minute, and so excited about being pregnant the next.
I'm not sure if Clomid will work on the first round for us, but I know it can. I'm not sure if we'll have a baby this year or not, but I know it's possible. I'm not sure if we will have enough room in our house for more than one baby at a time, but I'm sure that will work itself out. I'm not sure if I'll be a good mom or if I'm ready to be a mom, but I know that the Lord knows what I'm capable of and what I need.
I've found myself praying so specifically for things the last few days. For baby things, for me things, for Patrick things, for life things. Praying about having a baby use to be so daunting because I knew it would take a miracle to get pregnant. We are not fertile people. We cannot think about having a kid and then do so. We are struggling for almost three years to get pregnant people. We have exhausted every natural possible solution people. We are people who want to be parents more than we want to be pregnant. We are sinful, confused, helpless people praying to an all-powerful, sovereign, gracious God. A God who gives babies as HE pleases, not as His people please. I trust my God more than I ever thought possible.
I don't know a lot, but I know that my God is good - no matter what. Patrick and I are a complete, whole family on our own. Adding children is a pure advantage to the love and beauty we share together. We do not need children to be whole, but we would love to know what it means to add to wholeness by having a child. The Lord does give and take away and no matter what, we are blessed beyond what we deserve.
4 comments:
Thanks for keeping me updated on this part of your life. I wish for nothing more than for you to have a baby. You know that God has it all in his perfect timing. If I had gotten pregnant one month later, Mom would've never met Cooper. God's timing and plan is perfect. He will provide for you no matter what His will is for you having a baby.
i will be praying for you ashley! and i think you will be a wonderful mother.
Ashley, I know the pre-period symptoms aren't fun, mine used to be terrible (fainting and such) until I got on birth control. But after being on birth control for a long time, I think that has affected my body and we haven't had any success getting pregnant either. Of course, it hasn't been three years, and every time I pray about it and say that very thing to God I remember you and Patrick and pray for you often. I pray 2008 bring babies to both of our families. I'd still like to get together sometime when we both have time. Thanks for the update!
Ashley,
You will be an AMAZING mother, however and whenever it happens.
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