Oh, how easy life would be without trials. Without the pain, sorrow and trouble of going through things we can't control, or sometimes things we can. But what would we be without trials? We'd be proud, self centered, complacent people (oh wait, how am I still this?).
I try not to complain about being infertile. I don't want to be "that girl" that no one wants to talk too because all she talks about is wanting to be pregnant and is always angry at something because she's not. Once upon a time, I was "that girl" and the Lord has shown me the wrongful thinking in that and how more than anything, it was hurting me and my relationship with the Lord.
It has been my hearts desire to share this broken pathway to having children with people so I'm not alone, so someone can be encouraged or blessed. So I can open up and work through things with the help of friends and family and even strangers (if strangers read this, it's okay if I know who you are now). I don't want to nag this topic to the point of disgust. I don't want to push people away because of this struggle. But I want terribly to share so much more than I do.
I believe the Lord has granted me a renewed perspective of infertility over the last two and half years and I'm forever grateful for His grace. I believe the Lord is in complete control of my body, of my heart, of my life. I believe that with or without children I am a whole person and Patrick and I are a whole family. I believe that you don't have to be pregnant to reap the blessings of raising a child (as in, you can adopt).
Today, I realized that I've not let myself get attached at all to the idea of what we're going though. I've distanced myself from this situation as much as possible. I've tried to maintain a "whatever" attitude. I've reached my limit of false humility.
I think this situation sucks, for lack of better words. I dislike being pricked in the arm several times a month just to find out more disappointing news. I don't like driving to Pittsburgh in morning rush hour traffic, alone. I don't like that I think that I deserve to be pregnant. I don't like that I get sad when someone younger than me, married less time than me, whatever than me is pregnant (could I be any more selfish about this?!) I've started praying for all my friends who are pregnant right now and it's been so great and very helpful for me. I love being able to do that.
I don't like holding back tears and fighting my desire to have babies so I can look strong. My heart hurts and I find myself dazing into unanswerable questions and a state of confusion. Then, I realize how blessed and lucky I am, we are.
There are people who can't have children at all. People who have been trying for 12 years to get pregnant. Me, little me, just 26 and just trying for two and a half years. I shouldn't be complaining. But here I am, laying it all out because I need too and it's okay that I don't like this situation. I don't, truly.
I think that's all the rambling I needed to do. Maybe this was redundant and maybe I've posted about this before, but it is obviously something I need to work through, embrace and allow the Lord to use in my life. Thanks for reading. Honesty is, by far, the best way to go :)
4 comments:
from Elisabeth Elliott's book "Let me Be a Woman" (crazy title, I know)..
"It is not difficult when you read the whole story of God's deliverance of Israel to see how each seperate incident fits into a pattern for good. We have perspective that those miserable wanderers didn't have. But it should help us trust their God. The stages of their journey, dull and eventless as most of them were, were each a necessary part of the movement toward the fulfillment of the promise". - Love you, and never thought of you as "that girl", as you baked cookies and went to see Shark Tale, and just in general loved on me and my kids!! -christina
It is so hard not to be selfish in general, let alone when you are going through a trial, like infertility. I cried over other friends' pregnancies too and got angry with God, but he changed my heart...God is so good to us. I don't think we have to distance ourself from the situation; instead I think we can just let God use us and our situation to help others. You are always inour prayers.
Love,
Shannon
Never think that you are boring us or being redundant. We WANT to hear about your heart or else we wouldn't keep reading. You are an amazing woman and working through your feelings honestly before God is the best thing to do! I am still working on that as well.
Love ya,
Nina
I too have cried many times over friend's pregnancies, just as I did then everyone else was getting married and I wasn't. What I learned, and you already know, is that we can't get over it, through it, without God. It truly takes a miracle for him to change our hearts. My friends knew how much of a struggle it was for me, so much so when my best friend got pregnant, she didn't even want to tell me. But I couldn't have been happier for her.
You are an amazing woman and such an encouragment, especially when I read how God is working in your life. I will continue to pray for you and Patrick. And like Nina said, please don't think you bore us, its such a privilege to share in your life. Thank you for that!
Post a Comment