Dear Dad,
Today it has been two years since you died. I preferred last years anniversary because we were at the beach and I was highly distracted. Everyone knew the date and cared for me accordingly. Not today. Life goes on as usual and I'm not sure many people at all know the significance of this day.
I always had a hard time thinking life would go on after you died. But it has. I'm still shocked sometimes when I think about you being gone. There have been times when I've gone to call you or wanted to visit, but you're not there. I have to remind myself that your not available - ever again.
The hardest times have been smelling your cologne on some random man walking by, picking out father's day cards and not getting one for you. It's hard to see the gum you used to chew or the brand of beer you used to drink. When it comes down to it, dad, it is the small things in life that make the biggest difference.
It breaks my heart that you will not know your grandchild that is contently growing in my womb. I didn't get to call you and tell you that you would be a grandfather. You don't get to see pictures of my growing belly or buy cute outfits for our baby. Instead, I'll have to be okay with showing my baby pictures of you, of telling it about you. Some days, that just doesn't seem fair.
So today has not been an easy day. The world is going on. Sometimes I don't think about you for days or weeks at a time and then the memories come raging in and nearly crush me all over again. Dad, my world is moving on to. There is so much happening, so many new things, hard things, sad things, good things. But even as my world changes and moves, you're always apart of who I am and I love that.
I like seeing pictures of you and then I'm reminded how much I look like you did. I wonder what characteristics my baby will have of you. I cry sometimes, but nobody knows, because I miss you and it's hard not having a dad.
I won't forget you, I can't. I love you. And more than anything, I miss you. And although I can't tell you anymore, and should have when you were here, YOU are my favorite dad.
Love,
Ashley
8 comments:
My heart goes out to you b/c I too lost my dad, at 19. Even though I didn't have a very deep relationship with him, I get sad that he never got to meet any of my kids. The thing to remember is that even though the world goes on, God SEES YOU and knows what you are feeling! Even if nobody else does, HE REMEMBERS! He is the ultimate healer, counselor and friend.
Love you!
thank you for your transparency....praying for you today!
I was just thinking about you and your dad today! I am not joking. Seeing how much you love your dad, I know your little one will know and love his/her grandpa too!
Ash,
Just wanted you to know I'm saying a prayer for you. I cannot imagine the difficulty of this day. Thank you for your honesty. It is inspiring.
Juliana
It is hard not having a dad. So much love to you, Ashley!
ashley,
I feel you. I really can feel your pain, sadness, heartache in this post. I will pray for you, and pray that God heals your heart, but that you will never forget. (I know you won't!)
congrats on the baby too!! SO excited and thrilled for you two.
My heart was in my throat reading your entry...I know so well similar emotions. I love you! Even when other's don't know the pain/remember the dates that are important to us, GOD DOES, and He is the one that counts!!
Love ya,
Nina
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