Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Lights out!

Does anyone else have issues with the dark? It's not that I'm afraid of the dark, but that I fear the things my mind lets me think when the lights are out. Normally, it's not a big deal. But when the power is out and I can't see light ANYWHERE and have no ability to turn a light on, well then my mind starts stirring!

Our power was out for about five hours last night. I'm a light sleeper (obviously, I have a baby!) and heard everything stop. At first, I'm okay. But then the minutes get longer and I start thinking if Benjamin is okay. Will he sleep okay? I can't see anything to change his diaper when he wakes up. I wonder if he's hungry? Maybe I should check on him?

Then it gets worse. Fear overwhelms me as I lay flat in bed, uncomfortable, thinking that we are going to die. Someone cut off our power and we can't see a thing. They are going to break in, shoot Piper (who would be so innocently protecting us), take the baby, shoot Patrick and I and then steal everything we have. Seriously, I thought this all while laying in bed within the first hour of the power being out!

This is not okay! I am not suppose to live and dwell in fear! I have a mighty God who protects me, I have freedom from these things through Christ - yet, fear grips me tightly all too often.

I did stop myself at one point and start praying. I recognized my sin and remembered Whose I was. As always, it was very helpful and calmed me down. Benjamin woke up shortly after I prayed and I (and Patrick who I made get up with me ::grin:: He's such a good man) fed him. It's so funny, though. As I fed my little babe, not a thing could have bothered me. My mind did not wander in that small, dark room. My heart was at peace as I held my sweet boy. It didn't even occur to me that I was in the dark.

After I went back to bed, sleep was not an issue. The only time I woke was if Benjamin would fuss a little (he puts himself back to sleep pretty well) and then I would fall back asleep. I just wish I would have sought the Lord as soon as fear began to sink in. How easily I forget how peaceful it is in God's arms! Even though I didn't sleep too much, I do appreciate a good reminder like this of how wonderful my God is, how gracious, how loving, how protective and how fearless.


Jacob and Jessi Schwertfeger said...

It's only because you're not in the dark very often that it bothers you! Our generator (we don't have electricity) goes off at 10 every night, and while it bothered me at first, now it's a comforting thing that means, "The day is over...time for bed!" Good job trusting the Lord with your fears! :)

Megan said...

Oh, Ashley! I totally have had the same thoughts about someone having cut my power lines so that they can break in and kill me. I will lay there trying not to breathe too loudly for fear that they might hear me and know that I am there!! Isn't the mind a terrible things sometimes?!?!