Monday, July 26, 2010

Knowing the nearness of God...

So lately, things have kind of been a mess. You know, a thousand things get thrown at you at once and you can't really handle it all really well on your own. That kind of a mess.

Little things, like our plumbing not working anymore. This means I can't do laundry or run my dishwasher. It's terrible and I'm so spoiled by these conveniences, really I am. Showers and tolilets are fine because they are on the other side of the house. Luckily. I would be one unhappy momma if I couldn't shower in my own house whenever I wanted :) They are coming tomorrow to rip up our carpet, jack hammer into the concrete slab, fix the broken pipe and then fix the floors.

I've been praying that God would heal my body. I want to get pregnant, again. I want to have more babies. I mean, I've been praying. Pleading, even. Because I can. Because He can and He's able. Here is what I've concluded: As much as I want another child. As much as I don't want to have to do fertility treatments again, I want God. More and more and more of Him. I want to be used by Him. I want people to see His glory, whether it's in healing my body or allowing me the trial of fertility treatments.

You know what? I want God's plan and purpose to prevail, no matter what that looks like for me. But, my friends, I pray because God has called me to ask for great things. I trust His Word and His faithfulness. I pray because I believe in the power of the cross and the authority I have in Christ to come before God, undeservedly, and ask for the desires of my heart. No matter how He answers, I know Him more and I'm able to delight in His nearness to me. (see Isaiah 58:2) I "win" either way.

Mainly, though, this post is about my mom. My mom has cancer. We've know for about 6 weeks. I dislike that my mom has a tumor in her body. Truly, I get fearful and nervous and upset. But this does me no good. I am shaken, thinking I could be an orphan. I look to God for comfort and for peace in all of this. My mom's body is being invaded by something beyond my control. I pray constantly that she will be healed.

She goes into surgery tomorrow. Please pray for her. It's been a long wait for this. Her first surgery date was re-scheduled because of a cold. Now, two weeks after the original surgery date, she prepares for doctors to cut her open and remove the cancer. I pray that they can remove everything and that only the tumor is cancerous, nothing else. The good news in all of this is that the doctors seem very optimistic about the tumor. They won't know what stage it is until tomorrow, but they think they caught it very early. I thank the Lord for His kindness in this!

So, I sit here. Humbled that I've been chosen to endure so much at once, knowing it could be so much worse. I'm grateful that my God is near and able and powerful and full of mercy and grace. I'm hopeful that He will make good out of all of this. There is no place else I'd rather be. Despite my sin, my fear and doubt and pride, God has drawn me nearer to Him and given me faith that could move mountains. He has allowed me to see Him in ways I never have before. How kind of Him.


mama cindy said...

Love you!

nancy said...

Ashley-- I love reading your blog and that you so openly share what is going on with you and your family. You are so good at helping me see God in a new light. Thanks for sharing your heart! Praying especially for healing for you and your mom today!
Much love,

Lauren said...

Hey, girl, Praying for you. Much love.