Ugh!

Today was my last day of taking Provera. I couldn't be more pleased. The other thing I'm not looking forward to is taking it every month until I get pregnant. You see, we've started the fertility treatment process again.

Since B was four months old we've been "unprotected", if you will. Since my body started getting on some kind of rhythm, we've been trying to get pregnant. Now, five months later, I'm not pregnant. I am hopeful, though.

I don't like the fertility doctor we're seeing, but he's good at what he does (apparently) so I'm willing to stick it out. I still have PCOS (I guess he had to find out for himself and didn't believe me) and at the time of my appointment a week ago, I didn't ovulate on my own.

So, I'm taking Provera to kick things off and I'm also taking Actos for two months. Since I have PCOS, that means that my body is insulin resistant. Actos is a medicine for patients with diabetes, but it has been proven to help women with PCOS ovulate by regulating the insulin in their bodies. I will say this: I've tried Metformin and Glucophage before with unsuccessful results. Both made me sick. I was less than pleased that he prescribed Actos (which is suppose to be better on your GI system).

When I call this week, I'm going to suggest that after only one month on Actos I can switch over to Clomid. It is, afterall, my body. Aside from all of this, the doctor did call me "thin", which I promptly thanked him for and told me that I had one of the best resting heart rates he's ever heard. Awesome. I'll take what I can get :)

Ugh. As much as I want another child, I wasn't nearly as prepared to be told I would have to do fertility treatments again. It was almost a shock, as odd as that may sound. But since then, I've gotten over it and I am choosing to see this situation from a different perspective. A better one, even: My body may not get pregnant easily, but I can carry and deliver a baby really well (thanks, Lord)! I'm choosing to be grateful that God gave doctors wisdom to create drugs that will help my body get pregnant. I'm choosing to trust that God's timing is perfect - so what if our babies are more than two years apart!

Sure, I wanted my plan to work. I wanted to pray and pray and ask for healing and be healed and get pregnant. I was convinced that God was going to go with my plan. As I'm sure you've gathered, He did not. And I'm so grateful. God may not have healed my ovaries, but He has been healing my heart, and my body, in ways that are beyond description. He has been reconciling my past (to me) and showing me beautiful and incredible things about Himself that I never could have learned had I not stepped out in faith and started seeking Him so fervently through the last three months. That my friends, is knowing the nearness of God!

So we'll wait now. We'll take things one day at a time. I'll be tired and maybe a little cranky because of the amount of hormones in my body. My left eye will twitch and I'll try to limit bad carbohydrates to help my body respond to the Actos. God has lead us on this path and I certainly have some responsibility while we're here. Eat well, care for my body, take the medicine, seek the Lord, trust the Lord, praise the Lord. This may not have been the path I would have chosen, again, but the Lord has shown Himself faithful to me over and over. So I'll trust, I'll go, I'll grow and I'll wait, with great expectations, on my faithful and loving God.