There's a song on the radio called "Better than a Hallelujah". Amy Grant sings it. It breaks me every time. You can listen to it here.
I feel like that's been so much of my life. So many heartaches, so many tears. So many struggles, so many deep, long sighs. And in all of those things, I've only seen the hand of God more clearly. On the other side, I've been blessed with several incredibly great things. I do not discount the good that has drawn me nearer to God.
I love the part that says, "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. Beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries and a breaking heart....better than a hallelujah" I love that our cries of joy and praise are not the only thing God hears. I'm so grateful for a loving, compassion and ever gentle God who wants to hear all of me - especially the miseries.
The last eight weeks have been so up and so down. It's amazing how one little thing (in this case, fertility treatments) can toss you into a whirlwind of lessons learned, humility and gratitude. I love how one word spoken can cause an uproar in who I am and then my sin is revealed and the growth begins.
Only through the last few weeks of cries to the Lord, of questions, of unknowns and being completely out of control have I realized how much I limit God. I realized how little I expect of Him, the Almighty, the Creator! I've realized how deceived I am and how much I want to be god. I've realized how humble I can be and how much God's word changes and transforms and gives life and freedom.
I just don't think I can put it all into words right now, which is usually what happens. I learn these great things and they process and turn and become something real. Only then can I really explain how much my heart is renewed and my faith exploded and my view of God forever changed.
I'm a beautiful mess in the eyes of my Lord right now. As my heart is breaking, as my cries are going out, as my life is changing and my heart melting, I'm being made into the woman God has created me to be. I love that about my God, the God of the universe. I'm never an after-thought or a nuisance, as I often think I am. No, friends, I am a child of the Living God. I am known, loved and sought after by the Creator of the world. Good grief, could I have it better? I am so content in the hand of God, in His good and perfect will. That seems better than any other thing.