Benjamin had a fever over the weekend. No big deal. But his fever turned into my RSV (or upper respiratory infection...), which is still lingering and causing so much unwanted grief to my body. I didn't sleep more than three hours on Sunday night or Monday night. My body is just exhausted from coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose. My head is pounding. Ugh. Sickness! But today there has been a bit of relief, and that's more than welcomed around here.
On Saturday, Piper started acting funny. If you know our dog then you know he's insane and crazy active. But after playing in the yard for a bit, he came in and stopped moving. This issue got progressively worse and Piper wouldn't go outside (or anywhere). Patrick would have to carry him outside to go to the bathroom. It was so sad to watch him lay there. We took him to the vet yesterday.
Poor Piper. He had a temperature of 104 and all of this joints were swollen. The doctors had a few ideas as to the problem, but I won't know for sure until we pick him up today. The worst care scenario would be that it's his distemper coming back. He had, and survived, distemper as a puppy. Since it's neurological, well, there's not a whole lot you can do. He's doing better now, though. I called this morning to check on him.
And then last night, I was getting ready for bed and noticed that I was bleeding. When I was pregnant with Benjamin, I had a lot of random bleeding. Beta, though, hasn't caused us much problems (until now). It was enough blood to make us concerned. I called my midwife, who told me to go to the ER. So, off I went.
Patrick stayed home with B, but our friend Tony came over to watch him and Patrick eventually ended up at the hospital with me. We waited for an ultrasound tech to arrive and I thanked her over and over again for coming in so late (it was around 11:15pm). But even in all of this insanity, I wasn't worried. I wasn't scared.
As you know, this pregnancy has been so humbling and has revealed so much of my doubt and sin. I worry and fear and doubt and get upset and then I just cry. I leave God out of the whole equation. But last night, God did something in my heart that seems nothing short of a miracle. He must have healed my heart.
As Patrick and I prayed, as I drove to the ER, as I sat in the room alone...I was at peace. My heart was steadfast on God's Word. I kept thinking of 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." And of John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, nor let it be fearful."
I kept thinking of how many times the Lord has proved me wrong. I kept thinking of the opportunity He had given me, right then, to walk by faith and not by sight. And friends, walking by sight - tainted with blood and a little life inside of you -is so tempting. I couldn't walk away from God's power, His strength, His plan.
I know that the Lord is the giver of life and that He also takes away life. I know Beta is a gift - and not something I should ever, ever hold too tightly. I couldn't help but rest in the beauty of Who God was and what He's been teaching me over the last six months. I couldn't budge from the Lord's peace. You see, I am a firm believer in Romans 8:28. I believe that "God causes ALL things to work for the GOOD of those who love Him." (emphasis mine) I want more of the Lord more than anything else because He'll always give me what is best and for His glory.
And bleeding and going to the ER...and being sick...and Piper being sick...and being stuck inside for five days...is His best for me. And for His glory.
Beta was fine. He was moving and his little heart beat was strong. It was such a blessing to see our baby boy again! The doctor thinks that, aside from random bleeding in pregnancy, all of my violent coughing could have been the culprit. PLUS, the sweet doctor in the ER came in and said, with serious compassion, "Let me give you something for that cough." So, after a quick stop at the pharmacy I was in codeine heaven all. night. long!!!
Oh, my friends, is not the Lord a kind God? Is He not worthy of all praise and honor and glory? Are all these lessons He teaches us, even time and time again, not the most humbling and beautiful thing you could ever imagine? The Lord pursued me until I broke. He caught me when I fell. He carried me in my sin. And then, He showed me how to walk again - like He wants me to walk. In Him.
It's been a long week, indeed. But not without abundant blessing and joy overflowing.