I wasn't scared to have another baby. Until last week. Although this pregnancy has been a little difficult, I think I've had the opportunity to really emotionally connect with this baby more than with {fetus} Benjamin.
When I went in for my 36 week appointment I was already dilated to 3cm. {Oh, already. Hum.} I was excited that all my pain and pressure was doing something! It wasn't in vain! But then it hit me: we're going to have another baby.
THIS BABY IS COMING OUT SOON!
Then I lost all sense of rational thinking {again} and lamented for days about not knowing what to do and what Benjamin was going to do and how much he was going to hate me for life and if we were really cut out for this. I know, I know. A little late in the game for this, but it needed to happen before the baby came out :)
Whatever progress was made in my body had to have been scared back to a non-labor stance. I freaked myself out. I convinced myself that this was simply not going to work. Isn't that funny? Isn't that crazy?
{you can agree with both, it's ok :)}
So I've been praying a lot lately about this. I realize that I've let these fears build and my worry consume me because I'm not trusting God. After reading God's word, my heart is where it's suppose to be - with Him. And after getting a pep talk from a few friends, I've concluded that it's okay for the baby to come whenever he wants {chuckling...ha.ha.}.
That sounds silly, but I needed to take a deep breath and realize that this sweet boy in my womb is not a surprise or the demise of my oldest. This boy is vital to making our family "our family"! God would not have given us this blessing if He did not know it was good for us - all of us. And the thing that has made me so encouraged: God knew Benjamin would need a brother. He knew that {-someday-} Benjamin would love his brother with only a love brothers have. God knew that although the transition may be hard, the future relationship would be irreplaceable and unlike any other. Benjamin was not overlooked in this, as I let myself believe. No, friends! God has Benjamin's good in mind, too!
What a sweet revelation to a momma's heart! The thought of my boys running and playing together, the thought of them telling and keeping secrets, of fighting for one another, for laughing so hard they cry, for learning lessons together - even for fists fights and getting into trouble. Brothers!
God knew that my boys would need one another.
I'm not concerned for Benjamin anymore. As it turns out, the Creator of the Universe has already thought of him a thousand times as the plan of baby #2 unfolded. That makes me so grateful. And so humbled.
So come, baby boy, whenever you're ready.
Things might be a little crazy. We will all need time to adjust. The house may not be perfectly perfect. And I'm sure you know it's loud around here. But the love waiting for you is insane and immeasurable! Turns out there is a lot of love to go around and our family is incomplete until you get here.
By God's strength and grace, we are waiting...
for you, sweet boy!
1 comment:
awwww. this made me cry! so precious. i can't wait for #2 for you!!!! also, a little thing we did when Gemma came along that I've been meaning to tell you (if you haven't already thought of this): We bought a present for Aveny from the new baby. It was something we knew Aveny would LOVE and it was (and still is) 'from baby Gemma.' Won BIG points for Aveny with Gemma. :)
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