Saturday, August 13, 2011

Processing is what I do best...

Today is Saturday, as I'm sure you know. That means tomorrow is Sunday. Praise Jesus!!! Also, I'm a processor. Did you know that? Every little thing in my life has to be worked out in my head {mainly by talking or writing} for me to get it and work with it and understand it. It's how I was made and sometimes I want to question God's design in that. But I won't because He's perfect and created all things and who am I to question a mere quality that consumes me?

Let me lay it all out there and be completely honest for a minute:
This week was really hard.

I said it. That is truth. I was overwhelmed and felt easily defeated. I was exhausted and had too few hands and feet to be two parents. I functioned on very little sleep and even less contentment. In fact, most of the week I found myself so frustrated and annoyed when I didn't need to be. Want to know why? Because I was absolutely striving in my own strength and relying on myself.

God cannot move when I won't let Him have a place in my every day struggles and joy. So then I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to strive IN the Lord and trust IN the Lord and rely ON the Lord and rest IN the Lord and grow IN the Lord. Not in ME. This was a hard lesson for me to grasp.

Here is what I came up with: When I prayed in the mornings while nursing AR, my perspective was much more joyful, peaceful and mindful of the Lord. When I spoke with kindness and love to my children I was so calm. When I was consistent in discipline and with our routine we all worked together better. When I prayed constantly, for whatever, my mind was set on things above. When I stopped and prayed for Patrick and the team he's working with, my job didn't seem has tough. And when I allowed God to take my thoughts captive and show me a better way, He did.

And know this, my friends: No matter how hard, or easy, this week may have been there is absolutely no other place that I would want my husband to be. I would care for our children alone for a month if that's what God called us to. Patrick is following the Lord and walking in faith right now as he serves in Wales and I wouldn't want him to walk away from that for me - not even a little bit. And I know this is true, too, that God did not send Patrick to Wales this week without also thinking of me at home. He is divine in His plan and all His ways are good. And I will stand firm in that truth.

This week wasn't as hard as it could have been. This week wasn't as long as it could have been. This week was exactly what it was suppose to be - a long lesson in trusting in God, relying on God and pouring myself out to Him as He teaches, grows and changes me to be the woman He's called me to be. And please know that there have been some very wonderful and tender moments around here! I have the two most wonderful boys a momma could ask for!

Every night, as I tuck B into bed {and as he prolongs going to sleep as much as possible} I tell him this, "B, guess what? You are my favorite Benjamin. And you always will be. And do you want to know something? It is a joy to be your momma. I'm so blessed that God made you to be my son. I love you, sweet boy." He doesn't always listen, but I know he hears me. And despite tantrums and tears and fussiness and laughing and chasing and exploring - at the end of each and every day, my boy knows that I loved him and cherished him and was so grateful for him. And I think that is exactly how God wanted this week to go.

Even though there have been some incredible lessons learned this week, I can.not wait until tomorrow evening. I can't wait for my favorite things in the entire world to come home and be home. I can't wait to talk and share and pray and laugh together again.

And you'll certainly be able to pick the boys and I out of the crowd at the airport. We'll be the three crazies going up and down the escalator singing random songs and laughing while we wait for our knight in shining armor to walk through the gate. Then, we'll be the three crazies running to fit into the arms that are a safe and joyful place for us. All three of us.

This verse has been especially meaningful to me this week: "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8

1 comment:

Jacob and Jessi Schwertfeger said...

Hey Ashley, with a a husband who is often out in the deep African bush for days and unreachable....I get it! However, I haven't ever been on my own for so long yet (this is about to change when Jake goes to the Congo for 3 weeks next month.) I'm so proud of you for getting through's hard! For the millionth time since reading your blog, I wish we could meet up for coffee and discuss the perils and wonders of motherhood!