I'm not really nervous for surgery tomorrow. Certainly I don't love the fact that a doctor will be cutting into my abdomen, but Lord has given me perfect peace about this whole situation. As an added bonus, I'll be under general anesthesia and get unhindered rest for about two hours!
Want to know what I'm having a hard time with today? Not being able to carry and move around with my boys for a while. I'm not a "hands off" momma. I do things with my littles and we are constantly together. I hold them and snuggle them and crawl around on the floor with them and play chase with them and capture them and build forts with them. And while our days are not always filled with these fun things, our weeks have enough "active" in them that I will miss all that craziness.
So, as I carried Andrew down the stairs this morning; as I picked up Benjamin and sat him on the counter top to help me make breakfast; as I crawled into B's bed/tent at nap time to read and snuggle; as I carried a sleeping baby to his crib; as I loaded and unloaded groceries from my car -- I made a little mental note to enjoy that moment. I lingered a while longer and sang a few extra songs at nap time because I won't be putting B down for several days. I snuggle Andrew a little longer before he was ready to play and move. And I may have cried a little tear because I don't stop as often as I should and treasure these moments regularly.
There is so much to look forward to about having surgery: being pain free {after my recovery!}, moving on from this trial, being able to hold my boys again, being able to vacuum without crazy pain, being allowed to lift things and workout like I want to. But until then, give or take four weeks, I'll slow down. I'll enjoy the forced break and I'll be grateful for the incredible amount of help we're about to receive. Then, I'll be better, Lord willing, and I can return to "normal". But I hope, more than anything, that I'll be humble enough and willing enough to be changed from all of this. I hope that on the other side of all of this that I'll be slower about my days and my thoughts. I'll be mindful of each moment, as much as I can with two boys, and treasure so much more than I do now.
And then, I'll hold my boys as long as they will let me. Because, let's face it, boys move too quickly and grow too fast. I don't want to miss any "lasts" because I was making plans for all the "firsts" and "to-do's".
Either way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow around noon -- when the surgery is over and I'm on my way home. Funny, embarrassing stories of things I have said to the nurses fresh on Patrick's mind and me with a grateful, humbled heart {and a closed hernia!}.
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