Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I love to tell His story... part 6

This post will take the most out of me emotionally.
This time of remembering God's faithfulness will likely bring me to a few points of tears and deep sighs.
That's why I love His story -- 
it's not always what we want it to be, or think it will be. 
Praise Him for the faithfulness He surrounds us with.

I found a little "hole" around my belly button after Christmas.  We went to the ER and found out it was a hernia and should be repaired.  After visiting with a few doctors we had the surgery scheduled.  This all took place in about three weeks -- fast! 

We were also praying about what to do about another baby.  Do we try clomid again? Do we adopt? Do we wait? Are we a two kid family? Or more?  After much prayer we decided to pursue adoption.  But after a three week period of applying, being accepted and then finding out that things couldn't process for us another two years -- we stepped back to re-evaluate. 

I had my hernia repaired and was told I couldn't do anything for four weeks.  Thus began, without a doubt, the most humbling situation I've ever endured.  Patrick certainly couldn't take a month off of work to care for me, the boys and our home -- so our friends stepped in.  Sarah {my sister-in-law} came down for six days to help.  And then each day after that there was a friend or two here from the time Patrick left for work until he got home from work.
There was dinner on our table and our laundry was washed and folded.
My home was clean and my boys cared for.
And I did none of it. 

I laid in bed or on the couch.  
I longed to carry my baby.  
I longed to pick up Benjamin and hold him tight.  
I longed to serve Patrick.  
But I couldn't.  Our dear friends sacrificed their time to haul their family to our home and care for it as diligently as their own.  I don't think I'll ever be able to say thank you enough for this kindness the body of Christ showed us.  I was changed because of this love.

Healing happened and life started to get back to normal.  We decided to try clomid for a few rounds and see how that worked.  Looking back we should have waited a few more months after my surgery, but we were making decisions the best we could.  And I could have been more patient -- there was so much pride and selfishness in my heart around having another baby.

We started clomid {and all that entails} in April 2012. After two unsuccessful rounds, we took a month off per the advice of my doctor. We did another round and it worked so well that I had SIX follicles.  Due to the increase risk of multiples and my body being at risk for a slew of things -- my doctor advised us not to do the trigger shot and to reverse ovulation before it could occur.  Patrick, being rational, was fine with this. I cried for hours and had no problem with the risk of having eight babies.  Either way, the round was stopped.

Patrick and I spent a long weekend in San Diego and it was so incredible.  No drugs, just us and walking and talking and eating good food.  That was necessary and just what we needed. God was kind to provide and allow this during this season of life.

We got back to real life and started another round of clomid -- this time I had a follicle! The first "real and successful" round in the medical world.  I was so excited and couldn't wait to see two pink lines.  But I didn't.  I started my period and was so angry that I couldn't even talk to anyone about the pain and hurt and disappointment I was feeling. I cried constantly.

I wrestled with God after this.  We took a month off because I couldn't figure out why this wouldn't work -- I was so emotional and overwhelmed.  Infertility can be so lonely and consuming and this month, I felt that weight and burden heavily. But this round spurred an incredible transformation in me.  While I had been praying and seeking the Lord during the last five months -- it was all so self motivated and full of my desires and what I wanted.  It came to a screeching halt after this round and God moved in me.

If I thought my "freedom movement" was transforming and life changing -- well, it's because I had not lived this year yet!  My faith became real and deep.  And, as I look over previous blogs, my heart was so burdened and willing to change.  I chose not to blog openly about this infertility process -- for whatever reason -- and I'm glad because of all the other good {God} stuff that came out of it. I spent so many days on my knees in prayer and seeking the Lord through scripture.  

This season -- which started so innocently and with a simple desire for another child -- turned into a deep valley and a season of God's transforming grace and goodness.  I learned in this season, through a great movement of God's power, that my heart really desired God's glory -- however He chose to use me and move in our family.  I learned that I was not able to create life and that my hope cannot be in medicine or doctors or my own strength.  I learned a lot while I was on my knees and resting in the comfort of God's word.

But this season wasn't over yet.  In fact, we faced things far more difficult and emotional.  But I was in a better place.  I was ready and willing and being transformed.  And praise God for His wisdom and kindness in bringing me here...

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