Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I love to tell His story... part 7

This post is very much fluid with the previous post, but just too much to write out at once...but it is the last one!

The next round happened and brought out fear and faith as we endured a miscarriage.  While it was an early loss -- it was so hard to face the fact that we seemed so close, but that it was not God's timing or His plan.  I did blog about that openly, so you could see God's faithfulness and kindness.  And for His glory. 

We prayerfully decided to do the {what we thought was the} last round of clomid we were allowed.  We didn't tell many people and those we did tell walked faithfully beside us with a lot of prayer, support, laughter and tears.  I'll never be able to tell these three friends how their faithful friendship has changed me and made me more of the woman I am.  At the end of this round, though I did have a follicle and did a trigger shot, it was not a baby.  I started my period and it was heavy.  Heavier than the miscarriage, even.  
It seemed to be cleansing, in so many ways.

I called the doctor and was told that he was retiring at the end of January and I could do one more round of clomid.  We chose to try it and figured we would try once more before stepping back for awhile.  Faithful saints prayed fervently for us and we submitted ourselves to whatever the Lord would chose to do.  My friends prayed over me.  Patrick and I sought counsel and prayed together earnestly.  
And mostly, we trusted God. 

I had three follicles that, by the end, turned into one big and healthy follicle.  I did the trigger shot and was told I would have to take a pregnancy test at home and find somewhere else to do blood work -- since my doctor was retiring. This was hard, since we had never had such flexibility and surprise in pregnancy testing.  And because it felt like we were being left alone. 
But we know this, God never, ever leaves His children alone.

We waited and prayed and I sought the face of God with a deep yearning for His favor and mercy.  This was our eighth round of clomid in ten months.  It wasn't looking promising at this point, but we know God as a God of miracles.  And so you know, statistically speaking, it's very unusual for a pregnancy to occur after this many times.  Still, I was hopeful and confident in what God could do -- but humble enough to not expect anything.

So I took a pregnancy test a few days earlier than I was suppose to take it.  But there were two pink lines -- and I was three weeks and five days pregnant.  I don't think I can express the shock and humility and gratitude I felt.  I told Patrick and we prayed and gave God the glory.  A few days later, I called my midwife for blood work and my HCG came back at 315! My progesterone was low and she was concerned.  Being so kind, she got me into another fertility doctor the next day and we saw our sweet miracle ten days later at 6 weeks.  Two weeks later we saw the baby again and I was released to my midwife for good.

And so I sit here, still humbled and grateful, 12 weeks {and a few days} pregnant.  I know that this was undeserved, but simply a gift from a loving God who heard our prayers and the prayers of faithful friends calling out on our behalf {and our sweet Benjamin who prayed daily for another baby}. This is such a treasure to us and I cannot wait to share with this beautiful baby the testimony God gave for the beginning of its life.  As hard as the last year was, I would never change it.  I wouldn't trade it or give it up.  The ways I found the Lord, grew in the Lord and the ways He revealed Himself to me -- these are priceless gifts that I will treasure and enjoy forever.

God has allowed me to see fear and anxiety as I begin to consider our miscarriage in this pregnancy.  He has lead me to peace and reminds me that He alone gives and takes away life. He has lead me to scripture so I don't forget His faithfulness.   He has, in all of this, brought me into the wilderness and spoken tenderly to me {see Hosea 2}.  He has given my heart hope -- that is an anchor for my soul -- in Jesus. He has lead me from the valley into rivers of joy -- in ways that I never expected and would never change. 

Getting pregnant is hard for us, but it's not hard for God. He has given us a gift -- again-- of a child.  A gift I was told so many years ago that I would never have.  But He did, God gave -- for His glory, because He is good -- not because of me or anything I did.

And do you know my favorite part of His story? It doesn't end.  He is always moving and transforming us.  He is always loving us and changing us and making us more His.  And my God, the God Most High -- He is sovereign and good and faithful no.matter.what.  I love that I get to tell His story...

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to YOUR name be the glory." Psalm 115:1

{PS. Thank you for praying for us.  Thank you for enduring this series.  Praise the God who knows all things and loves us so deeply!}


Nathan & Sarah said...

And I sit here, after reading your story, feeling such joy for you, and am 13 weeks pregnant myself (after almost a year of trying.) Congratulations to all of you!!! I can't wait to read more stories and see a beautiful baby in the fall. Lots of love from PA!

T@R@ said...

Congratulations!!!! :)

Courtney said...

I am so thrilled to read this! Have to say, I was wondering if this series of posts was leading up to something like this! What a beautiful story you have. I have been blessed to walk through a small part of it with you. I look forward to meeting little McB on one of our OK drive-throughs! To quote a hymn I love, "to God be the glory, great things He hath done!"