Saturday, September 28, 2013

Waiting is mental.

Last night, I laid in bed thinking about waiting.

Waiting for a baby, mostly, but how waiting is generally really difficult.  We are impatient people forced to wait for things all the time.  By the grace of God.  Can you imagine how entitled and rotten we would be if we always got our way?!

Waiting seems more like a vicious form of torture when you're pregnant.  I know, though, that it's simply best for my baby girl and beautiful sanctification for me.  But at 39 weeks, my irrational side is quite difficult to battle and I end up in tears because for whatever reason I lost another round.  The good news is I may lose rounds, but I'm still winning the war.  God is on my side and caring diligently for me even when I feel most defeated.

Maybe that sounds dramatic.  Good. Then you can see how crazy I am. :)

The third time of pregnancy has proven to be much more difficult than the other two with waiting for labor to begin.  Even with Benjamin coming at 41 weeks -- it was hard and I was more than ready, but I wasn't crazy.  Perhaps the most challenging hurdle to jump was/is being pregnant longer than I was with Andrew.  That sweet boy came at 37 + 5 and I was ready and glad and relieved.  But I did not realize how hard crossing 37 weeks and 5 days would be this time.

Of all the things that have been hard this time {caring for two boys, cleaning my house, life} the hardest thing for me has been having off and on again contractions.  For FOUR nights in a row, I thought I was in labor because I would have good consistent contractions.  I was dilated 3cm and 80% effaced at my last appointment.  My cervix is soft and stretchy and, apparently, I have a favorable cervix! But each time I get excited and count and pray and whatnot -- they just go away and I end up a little discouraged.

I'm ready for labor.  It's my favorite part! My body does labor and delivery well and that has proven to be a great gift from God.  He has given me incredible confidence and knowledge and grace and humility in labor and delivery. He created my body for this and I love that. But still it starts. Then stops.  And I wake up a little more weary.

Not to mention there is an array of {well-meaning} comments from all people -- people I know and people I don't -- saying things like this:
*I bet you'll have her on *this* day.
*She's coming tonight! I just know it!
*I bet you'll have her this weekend.
*Oh! You're still pregnant!
*This is my {insert favorite day of the year/birthday/anniversary} and you should have her then.
*This day isn't good for me, so try not to have her that day.

I love that people want to be apart of this and sometimes it's a good distraction.  But mostly, I just feel defeated.  I know that whatever day this girl comes is NOT up to me and I can't get her out without the hand of God cueing her arrival.  Yes, there are thousands of things I can do speed up the process, but one thing is certain -- she'll come when she wants.  That's the thing about babies.  They come out with a mind of their own :)

So I wait. I pray for joy and strength.  I pray that God would be glorified.
And I try not to be too crazy.

1 comment:

young wife&mom said...

hang in there dear friend! She'll be in your arms soon enough..but I do remember where you are at. Seems like if one of the babies comes early--it's set in your brain that ...theres a chance...maybe ...just maybe...Caleb was 11 days early Jack stayed in until in due date..drove me crazy...then with Claire I was done being pregnant around 36 funny how after they get completely forget all that...but it's so real now. Will pray for your mental peace...and rest:) can't wait to see pictures of precious little babydoll!