Monday, September 29, 2014

It's not about me...

I keep a small bible open in my bathroom.  Maybe that's weird or random, but it's so helpful for me to remain in the word consistently and throughout the day.

Lately, my bathroom bible has been opened to Proverbs -- specifically chapter 3.  And you know what? I've read Proverbs 3 several times a day for the last five days, at least.  Even in the middle of the night, I would just read a few verses. And I would think through it and try to figure out the greatness of those verses.

Today, though, I started putting my finger on why I needed to read that chapter over and over this past week.  God may have more for my heart and mind with this handful of verses, but it was sweet to see how I was able to use God's word that had been stored up in my heart.

Benjamin struggles with anger -- crinkled nose, crossed arms, heart full of anger.  I tell the boys often that an angry heart makes an angry face, so it's easy to see their emotion.  But Benjamin's anger runs deep and he is selfish to the core.  It's so hard to see sin in your children that you know has been your very own struggle!

Either way, he didn't get what he wanted yesterday and was on the back deck letting anger fester in his heart.  I went out and he was upset, so I grabbed him and hugged him. He was still too consumed with his sin to talk, so I told him that his anger was going to turn into bitterness if he didn't talk it out -- and I would check on him in a few minutes.

When I found him the second time he was hiding with tears streaming down his face.  We sat down to talk.  I was able to ask him some questions and I am always so humbled by intimate conversations with my children.  I asked if he didn't want to be angry anymore, but he didn't know how to stop -- he nodded and started crying more.  Ah! I know this feeling! I told him that controlling my emotions was really hard for me and I prayed a lot for God to help me.  I told him that Proverbs 3 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  I told him that we have to trust the Lord with the emotions He gave us, that we can't rely on how we feel or what we "understand" -- but we have to seek and acknowledge Jesus to help make our ways straight and to figure out how to get through emotions.

He didn't respond much, but I know planting the seed of God's word in his heart will only help him later.  And after our talk, he really changed his attitude {plus, we went for a walk around the block together and that helped him get everything out, physically}. Even though he didn't say much, I couldn't stop thinking about how gracious and kind the Lord is to prepare me for this conversation with my sweet boy!

This parenting business is crazy hard.  It's humbling and consuming and confusing and overwhelming and just exhausting somedays.  But then, there are days when I see that giving fully of myself to these small people is the most glorious and delightful thing I could ever, ever do.  And it's always a good reminder that in even the small things -- nothing is ever about's about Jesus.

1 comment:

mama cindy said...

such a good you!