Monday, August 10, 2015

Making room for one more...verbal processing for your enjoyment...

It's no surprise that this sweet baby was indeed a surprise to us {and every other human being alive}.  And we certainly didn't plan or prepare our home while building for four children.  But as God is kind always, our home will fit our family perfectly -- no matter what.

Preparing for this little man has been so different than with the others.  We don't have a nursery for him -- he will sleep in the bassinet in our room for now.  We don't have a changing table -- but our dresser with some blankets and towels is the perfect height! We don't have all the bells and whistles you want and "need" for your first {and even second} baby.  We just have love and kisses and diapers.  I'll call that a win!

The hardest part, in all honesty, has been preparing my heart and mind to welcome another tiny baby into our family.  I don't feel capable or equipped to care for FOUR children. I don't feel like I deserve the blessing of having another child.  I don't know how I'll have a small toddler AND a little newborn.  But I know this baby wasn't an accident and is indeed an incredible gift from the Lord.  I also know that He doesn't send you into something without giving you more of Himself -- you just have to reach out.  And I will and I do.

I still remember so much of labor and delivery with Elise and that's something you hope to forget by your next baby :)  This time, more than Benjamin even, labor has seemed daunting and makes me nervous.  But I want it to come so badly, and so quickly! The more I feel my body prepare, the more I remember that I can do it.  The Lord is gracious in offering strength and it's really only a short time in the grand scheme of bringing a baby into the world.  And I can confidently say that I know God has allowed me to have good labors in the past.  He may change it this time -- but He has never been unfaithful in helping my body birth a baby.

This pregnancy has been HARD. Physically and mentally.  I can feel the age of my body and the fourth term pregnancy weighing on me.  I am so easily exhausted.  I throw up randomly.  I have awful heartburn.  My weight gain, while only a pound or two more than the other pregnancies feels heavier because I started off seven pounds heavier than the other times. And it is HOT! My back pain has been indescribable and constant.  I don't say this to complain, although I've done my fair share of that, but to acknowledge that this time has been harder and different.

I feel like I'm not myself this time around.  I find it harder to enjoy and relax and go with the flow.  I'm irritable and easily frustrated.  Things that I wouldn't fuss about before quickly become something I can rant on about.  Although, as a positive, I've only had a few emotional breakdowns! It's been fairly easy for me to process to Patrick and at least get some of my emotions out.  AND I've been doing a study on the Fruit of the Spirit with some friends and that's been incredibly helpful for me to bring myself back to the Lord and to call upon Him.  Friends, He is mighty to save -- even in the trenches that you don't think are really trenches {until you realize they are! haha}.

All of this to say: I'm ready.  I just want to meet this little boy.  I want to see his face and feel him in my arms and give him a thousand kisses.  I want to look at this little miracle and tell him about the years of prayers that went forward for him.  I want to tell him that he is, in my arms, proof of a Healer, a God who hears and answers and loves His people in such beautiful and tangible ways.

So, come on baby.  We are ready and we love you and we can't wait to gush over you and let you know that you belong to us and we belong to you!

{PS. Here are maternity pictures from this time.  I'm 35 weeks and 4 days.  If you follow me on Facebook, you've probably seen them.  Enjoy anyways!}

Overall feelings of pregnancy.

{A note for myself to look back on.  Today I'm 37 weeks, 4 days.}

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You don't know me- but I have been reading your blog for a few years. You are a wonderful, beautiful momma (even when greatly pregnant) and your faith and desire to serve God are such sweet reminders for me as well. May God richly bless you and supply ALL your needs as you become a family of 6!
~Shannon from WV