My Dad

Last Saturday, my dad died. It was completely unexpected and I cannot believe how badly it hurt to receive the phone call about his death. It still hurts every day. There are so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to ask him or tell him. I wish I could have said good-bye to him or said I love you one last time.

I have never experienced death in this way before. In fact, I can honestly say I was rather naive about the whole thing. I never thought my dad would die...at least when I was 24. My dad's birthday was last Friday. He turned 49. The autopsy said that he had coronary artery disease and died from a myocardial infraction...which is a heart attack.

Did he hurt? Did he know I loved him? Can he hear me now? Did he accept Christ ever? Will my dad be in heaven when I get there? These things I do not know. All the times I had to share my faith with him. All the conversations we had about Jesus...was that enough? I know I could have done more.

I forget sometimes that my dad has died. When I remember again, it's almost as hard as hearing the news for the first time. I can't believe it and I go through stages of unbelief several times a day. Surely, this is not real. It is.

Patrick asked me last weekend if this has shaken my faith at all. I can honestly say no. It has grown my faith, increased my desire to know God more, shown me how weak I am, yet how strong the Lord can make me. My dad's death has given me an opportunity to mourn with others who have lost a parent and has helped me to see my own shortcomings and areas where I could grow. It has not, however, made me want to turn my back on the only One who knows all things, Who is in control of all things and Who sits gloriously enthroned in His Kingdom.

The Lord has graciously provided many people to encourage me, love me, listen to me and pray for me through this whole thing. It seems like it's been weeks now, but it has only been one. God has shown Himself to me in ways that I would never have imagined. And the series we recently finished at church was, no doubt, intended for me. God has been my Yahweh-Shalom this week when I didn't know peace could be real. He has been El Roi, when I cannot see even the closest thing in front of me. He has been Yahweh-Raah, in the darkness of this wilderness. Oh, how I long for green pastures.

I miss my dad, a lot. Here is the letter I wrote to him and read at his funeral. My sister and I decided that we would do the eulogy. We each wrote our dad a letter and shared it with all who attended:
Dad,
Words cannot express the pain I feel. My heart hurts so badly, knowing you're not here anymore. I wish I could say I love you one more time, I wish I could have said good-bye.

Do you know how thankful I am for you? You were always there for us. And even when you didn't know what to say, in the end you always said the right thing. That's why you were a dad. My dad.

I love your heart, dad. I hope I can have a heart as big as yours. I admire your compassion, your generosity and your desire to care for and protect Beth and I. I am forever grateful that you are my father.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do now with you, without my daddy. I know that things are hard now, but I think if you were here you would have your arm around me, wiping each tear away saying, "don't cry kiddo."

I remember when I hurt my ankle and you came and scooped me up in your arms, carried me to your truck and took me to the hospital. You were so brave for me. That day, I knew that I had the strongest, bravest dad in the whole world.

I remember your stories. The giants, the Indians, the caves. You told great stories, dad. I remember going to the mines with you. I remember your hugs. You were a good hugger, full of unconditional, unfailing love.

I long to hear you say, "Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite", one more time.

Remember how you use to get on the floor and be our horse? Remembering running through the house being Peter Pan? Remember how I use to beg you to listen to our sesame Street 8-track in between Jimmy Buffett songs? Remember how I would make "food" out of mom's flowers and mud and you would pretend to eat them? Remember how Beth and I would run and jump on your bed to wake you up on Sunday mornings? Remember our taco eating contests? You are so great. These memories are forever engraved on my mind and your love engraved on my heart.

I will never forget you. And I will tell my kids all about you, so they will never forget you either. You would have been a wonderful grandpa.

Oh dad, I love you. Always have, always will. You will always be my dad and I will always be thankful for the time we had together.

So, good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.
Love,
Ashley