Friday, January 5, 2007

The victim

"Oh woe is me, my life is so hard. I refuse to be happy or joyful. I will not be happy for other people and most certainly, I will not find good in my situation." That's what I think on most days lately. So what? Who cares? I'm going to be a brat and I'm going to pretend that life is a horror story and I am the innocent victim.

Playing the role of "the victim" is a very hard role. You must be unhappy. You must not find any good in any situation. You must pity yourself all day long. You must be depressed and sit on the couch and feel sorry for yourself. You must not forget how awful and hard your life is. Whew, that makes me disgusted just writing all of that. Imagine how horrible it must be to live that. The last week or two (or twelve) have been like this. Maybe not everyday, but most of them.

I can find the absolute worst in a situation. Patrick says, "There's always a 'But Then' with you." He is right, there is. I will take something good and find a bad to finish it off with. "Sure, we're getting a farm, BUT THEN we will have no money left in savings." "Yea, going to visit family sounds great, BUT THEN we have to come home to this place." Really, I have a horrible attitude about life right now.

I have selfishly and foolishly wasted perfectly God-ordained days by wallowing in my self pity. I must say that I'm often surprised that I'm even given new days to "enjoy". God's mercy is incredible. Last night, I decided that I wasn't going to play the victim anymore. I am dropping my current role for something a little more life/God/people friendly. I have given up self pity and have adapted a strictly truth policy: Every time I feel upset, depressed, sad or whatever else makes me a bear to be around, I will open my Bible and search God's word for truth for my feelings and my situation.

So, here I am. Confessing all of my trash to the world for the singular purpose of working through hard things and looking for some good. I do not want to play the victim anymore. Someone else can have my role. Better yet, let's leave the victim role empty and find something better do with our time and our lives.

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