Thoughts on the baby in my belly

It seems like just a few weeks ago, we were finding out that I was pregnant. A miracle! The fertility treatments worked! Just a few short weeks ago, it seems, I was tired and nauseous and cranky. I was taking progesterone and hated it. It made me feel so terrible, but I knew it was worth it for the life of this little, tiny baby beginning to grow inside of me.

I feel like just yesterday I was driving back and forth to Pittsburgh to check on our baby. "Come back next week", they would say. Back and forth we would go until they were confident enough to let me go. Just the other day, it seems, I was spotting for weeks. Every day I pleaded and cried for God's mercy on the life of our child. I would get on my knees and cry until I felt like I had cried enough. But can you ever cry out to God enough for the life of your child - unborn or born?

Now, I don't remember what my body looked like without a belly coming first. I forget what it was like to bend over without making a noise. I can't recall how I slept through the night so well. I just know that I did. There were so many times people have told me not to be negative about being pregnant, to embrace it. Those people haven't seen my tears, heard my prayers or felt the love well up inside of me each time I thought of a child in me. The beginning was hard. There were emotions that not many could understand. And I might not love being pregnant every second, but I love that God is using my body to create a miracle.

It seems that only my hands fit my belly perfectly as I feel for Benjamin to move. The right pressure, the right size. And when he feels my hands, he'll move for hours. The comfort, the joy of my hand. When I want someone else to feel this incredible movement he stops, of course. When I poke him, he likes to poke back. When there's a foreign hand invading his space, he won't move a muscle. However, he does love to hear Patrick's voice and will move around at a single utterance of his deeper, fatherly, comforting voice.

Little feet lodge themselves into my ribs when I'm sitting down. Those are times when I wish my torso was a bit longer. Still, this little one would find his way to stretch out. Just this morning, as I laid in bed, I'm certain that our baby was doing his best to stretch my uterus more and was having a terrible time getting comfortable. I wasn't aware of how much a little baby could move. I know now.

I remember when I first felt the baby move. I remember when his movement was quick, clumsy, sporadic. But now, there's intention in his every move. He is strong and powerful as he adjusts and kicks. They are painful, sometimes, but I'm thankful for each kick, each punch and each time he rolls around.

I never imagined that I could love something unseen so much. I'm already in love with this little boy and I can't even put it into words. I just don't know how I'll handle the love I feel when I actually see his little face, call him by name and cuddle him. How will I keep it together when he smiles at me, says his first word, calls me momma, becomes a toddler, goes to 3rd grade? I'll handle that time when it comes. I do not want to rush this, already, little man. He isn't even in my arms yet!

Just 8 short weeks until my due date arrives. Eight weeks is not a long time! But I'll count down the days. I'll anticipate labor and delivery with confidence and humility. I will remind myself that I'm capable, I'm confident, and I CAN deliver this baby however I want, Lord willing. I will clean the house and continue preparing Benjamin's room. I will keep working out and running errands. And before I know it, Patrick and I will, in the blink of an eye, be parents. Finally! After the long wait, the many trials, the emotions that are still not completely understood - Our little baby, our miracle, he will be here. I'm in awe of God's goodness and grace.