Today I'm four days over my due date. Yesterday morning, I would have been pretty ticked off about this and would have made a nasty face to anyone who said "You're STILL pregnant". But today, I'm content being pregnant still (although, quite uncomfortable).
I've been holding on to so much over the last few weeks - stress, tension, fear, anxiety, frustration (just to name a few!). And while I've been diligent to pray and seek the Lord through all of that emotion, I wasn't giving over to Him the things that were keeping me upset and angry that there is still a baby in my womb! I'm doing the "Search for Significance" bible study with several ladies and the last week was on fear of failure and rejection. Hello, hard week! I realized a lot through the five days of studying, but it was not until yesterday afternoon that I realized how directly those things affected me in my pregnancy.
I was so certain I would have my baby early. Other people were certain. I heard so many women tell me that they went early and very few who actually had their babes on the "due" date or after. After February came and went, after our Monday in the hospital, after my due date passed I couldn't help but get more upset with the Lord. Didn't He hear my pleas and cries?! Did I not look and feel miserable enough to get the baby out?! It was so easy to blame God for not meeting my expectations. Oh, wait, did you read that?! I thought God should meet my expectations. Obviously, because I'm me. (sarcasm intended)
So not only did I think God let me down, I feared rejection and failure from people who thought I would have my baby early. I made everyday that I didn't have the baby about not meeting someones needs or expectations and then got upset because God let it happen. Then yesterday my doula sent me this great article on "letting go" in pregnancy and surrendering all to the Lord. It also talked about how terrible stress can be at the end of pregnancy and how it slows things down (something I knew, yet did not apply well to myself!).
What freedom yesterday brought to me! I was able to confess all these things to the Lord and recognize His greatness and closeness, even when I would push Him away (then blame Him for leaving). I was able to surrender to Him all of my expectations and desires, my body, my baby and my birth. What joy, my friends, there is in surrender! One of my "mantras" for pregnancy and L&D is "Thank You, Father, that You are the Lord of my body, the Lord of my baby and the Lord of my birth." It was so wonderful to feel that as deep truth within me and not just something to say.
After I prayed for a while about these things, I decided that I need to chill out in a serious way. No more cleaning or freaking out. No more running here and there. I poured a glass of water and marched upstairs! I walked in the nursery and prayed over the room, our baby and labor. Then I did some prenatal yoga to relax and stretch my, obviously, tense muscles. Then I lit some candles, drew a bath and contently sat quietly and prayed for the next 30 minutes. Why have I been neglecting this time by busying myself to insanity?
I'm so grateful for a God who loves to care for me, even when I don't care. I'm thankful that He knows me, knows each step and is in control of all things. I certainly don't deserve to be so tenderly, affectionately or lovingly cared for - but I am! I will trust that whatever happens is all in the Lord's hands and I've been surrendering constantly since yesterday because it's so easy to take back.
And so you all know, I saw my doctor on Monday morning. I was still 3 cm and had effaced a little more. I'm not feeling much expect little contractions that are consistent, yet very mild. And whether I like it or not, come Monday March 16th, I will be induced. He doesn't want me to go any further than Monday and there was no talking him out of it.
Until then, I'll pray that Benjamin makes an appearance without assistance. I know that either way, I'll have a baby by Monday night (hopefully! ::grin:: ) and that the Lord was in full control of how and when it happened. It's out of my hands and this overly pregnant girl is going to take a walk while I still can - alone :)
5 comments:
My first was overdue. I was scheduled to be induced on a Tuesday and she made her appearance on Monday night all on her own!!
oh my ashley..how I understand what you are going through. my first babe was 11 days early. and completley unexpected. so i thought our second would be the same. not so. he waited until the last possible moment..but i tell you he (to this day) has an easy and laid back personality! who knows what God was doing with those extra days..but..anyway.. I am blessed to see you working through it all with God despite not seeing it work out exactly how you would have planned. I will pray tonight specifically for a quick spontaneous labor. can't wait to see pictures of benjamin.
I can relate! With Emma I gained 60 pounds (gasp!) and everyone thought I was overdue with 6-8 weeks to go! It's easy to look back and realize it wasn't their fault, but living in the moment of it wasn't easy. And with Norah, unless we were induced on day "X", Tommy wouldn't have been able to get off work and he'd miss the birth. It was also her due date. The time came and there was no room at the inn for me to be induced. Tommy was horrified, I just rolled over and went back to sleep! By that point, God gave me his peace that it was all in his timing. (Believe me! That had to transcend ALL understanding b/c I felt like I was going to POP!) An hour later my water broke. She was born that day after all!
These days for you aren't easy, yet the Lord will use them to teach you immensely about his love for you. He will never let you go!
Waiting for your news, praying for your comfort - spiritually and physically. Love you!
I had a dream last night that I checked your blog and you had had your baby! Of course, I also dreamed that I had to politely ask some people to leave my bathroom because I could not poop with a crowd!!! Ha ha! I hope yours comes true, but not mine!!!
Love ya,
Nina
you are so sweet by the way. What an encouragement you are to me. Its really beautiful to watch (read) you grow and learn to lean on the Lord in every little thing. And you are absolutely right, God is the Lord of your body and your baby and he knows exactly what He's doing. He hasn't forgotten that you are still pregnant!! Hang in there friend!
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