Number Two

Today was a rough day. Benjamin was mostly awake (minus a few cat naps here and there) from 9:30pm until 2:30am. Being awake with a fussy baby can seriously wear on ones ability to process, rationalize and do basic activities with calmness. Patrick woke up and walked around with Benjamin for about 3o minutes while I rested. It's truly incredible to me how such a little amount of rest can propel a momma to make it through situations like this. As I laid down for those few minutes, I couldn't help but be thankful for my mom (and all moms!) and think there has to be a special resting place in heaven that includes all luxuries of hearts content. That's not really biblical, but it was 1:30am :)

As you can imagine, today was my second breakdown. As in, a serious breakdown. Not just little tears. Breastfeeding has been difficult for me, to say the least, and for such small reasons. Benjamin is an excellent eater! I'm so thankful for that. He sucks like it's his job (and honestly, it is)! In the hospital, the nurses all said that we were doing great. However, we weren't. Latching on was a bit of a problem and I thought it would work itself out. It did not. It was painful. It was not something I looked forward to at all. Which lead to the breakdown and I called my friend Liz.

So I sat on the couch and I started to cry. I was tired. I was frustrated. I was sore. I was confused. Patrick sat down beside me. With Benjamin in the crook of one arm and me tightly wrapped in the other, Patrick asked me to tell him what was wrong. He prayed for me. He encouraged me and affirmed me over and over. I cried on his shoulder for several minutes. Bless his heart. Have I mentioned how incredible he is and how much more I've fallen in love with him over the last week. This man amazes me. Whew. Tears, tears, tears.

Liz came over and helped me through a feeding. She showed me how to hold my baby comfortably while nursing. She showed me how the latch was wrong and how to fix it. She was so helpful and saved me from so much discouragement. I cannot describe how much more enjoyable nursing is right now.

I don't think you can be prepared for the postpartum breakdowns. You never know when they'll hit. The hormones have a mind of their own! I know this all too well right now. So much is going on around me. Adjusting is hard, change is hard. But there is so much joy and goodness to celebrate. How easily that joy can be covered up by overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and failure when you can't calm your crying child, or when you don't know how to breastfeed correctly, or when you can remember what day it is and if you changed the baby's diaper before he fell asleep two hours ago. AND you have no clue how emotional you really are until you watch Wall-E and cry uncontrollably at the last twenty minutes of the movie. Sheesh!

This new adventure has not been easy. Motherhood requires parts of you that you didn't even know you had in you. You become someone new. You become a woman in love, a love like you never knew. A woman who looks at her husband in a whole new way, with a love that brings you to your knees with gratitude and humilty. You become a woman who has the privledge, the honor, the undeniable blessing of holding a modern day miracle in your arms. A miracle that grew inside of you. A mircale that you prayed for fervently. Those two things equal a love that you'll never be prepared for, you'll never know until it happens and you cannot begin to express. Then, when all that love floods into you, you forget how tired you are and that the first week isn't so easy. Because, friends, the first week is over and my baby is growing way to fast to forget that he is all mine to love on, even when it's hard.