It's been six months since I became a momma. The transformation that must take place amazes me. There is so much to learn, constantly. There is so much to do, to see, to tolerate, to enjoy.
I feel like over the last few weeks or so we've really come into a pretty consistent routine. I'm sure that routine will change, I'm sure, but our lives are normal again. Just a new normal. I certainly miss having time alone, being able to do and go wherever I want, but I wouldn't trade being a momma for anything.
Feeling like I've got this mom thing under control (ha!) has been quite a transformation. I had to process so much. I had to deal with things that have never been dealt with. I had to allow the Lord to teach me things He wants to teach me and not just what I want to learn. The selflessness, the sacrifice, the lack of sleep - I would never have chosen to be okay with these things! Once again, the Lord has proven Himself kind and faithful, knowing just what I need.
The hardest thing for me to learn over the last six months has been letting go. Letting my expectations go, my pride, my selfishness, my schedule. I've tried so hard to be a momma in my own strength, with all my sin piled high behind me. Let me tell you, this has only caused problems and tears. Not to mention that it's not easy!
When I would have a hard day I would get so frustrated. I would complain and nag and cry. I would convince myself that I deserve this or that - a coffee, ice cream, a new shirt. There is nothing wrong with those things and they can be very helpful, if I view them as a treat and not as a reward for being a mom. I would want pampered and served, who doesn't! Being a mom is a tough, long, hard job! But that's not the right perspective. Instead of thinking it was all about me and falling into a pit of self pity, I remembered all of this is for God's glory and I cannot survive, or serve, without His strength, His joy, His heart. I truly deserve nothing and I've been given freedom in Christ - that's a good perspective changer!
There are still hard days. There are still long days. There are days when I'm exhausted because Benjamin didn't sleep. But instead of nagging and crying, I'm joyful and open with my emotions. It is my job to be a wife, to be a mom, to be a homemaker. This is what God has called me to right now and I want to honor Him and bring glory to Him through it all.
I couldn't help but praise Him this evening. I'm so grateful for how He works in my heart and is always teaching and growing me. I'm so thankful for our miracle in Benjamin. As I was done feeding my sweet baby tonight, I lifted him to my shoulder to burp him and he wiggled around a bit. He was so peaceful, so quite. He rested his precious head on my chest, right in the crook of my neck and slept, snuggled into me. I closed my eyes and smiled and maybe even had a little tear in my eye. I prayed, "Lord, this is perfect. This is peace. This is joy. Lord, this is purpose. Thank you." Amen?