Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Big, deep, long sigh....

Do you feel like every time I blog recently it's about something bad? Or hard? Or just kind of lousy? It's because I do :) Minus our fun snow days and playing outside and God being awesome. Ok, ok.

Let me start here: In Luke 22, Jesus tells Peter that satan has asked if he can "sift him like wheat". When actually, and metaphorically, sifting wheat it can be a long process of shaking and bouncing and moving the wheat around until you get just what you want - pure, usable wheat.

Today's events made me think that, maybe, satan had asked Jesus if he could sift me like wheat. You know, one thing after another. After another. And a little more, just to see if you'll really stand firm. If Jesus is really what you love and cling to.

This morning I woke up to a call from Patrick, who was indeed laying on the floor of our living room. He fell down from dizziness and couldn't move. In fact, every time he did move he threw up. And he couldn't keep anything down. He felt like death. I prayed for him. A lot. Finally got him to move to the couch and then proceeded to care for Benjamin and try to figure out what in the world I was suppose to do.

After a phone call to our friends, The Johnson's, Benjamin had a place to go. I needed to get Patrick - who couldn't move, mind you - into the car so we could go to the ER. That took about an hour. And to top it off, the roads were awful. I mean, really terrible. But God is kind. I grew up in the North. I can drive on bad roads. :)

We were in the ER for about two and a half hours this morning waiting to see if Patrick got better. I sat by his head and prayed for him and offered him water and tried to get him to take medicine. After throwing up round one of medication, he got a shot to help the nausea. That worked and we finally got anti-dizziness medicine into him. Turns out my poor, sweet husband has a case of "acute peripheral vertigo". You can't get rid of it. You just hide the symptoms with a lot of medication. And wait to see how long it lasts.

So Patrick has been laying in our bed since 1:30 pm. He can't move. He barely drinks and just recently ate something. I give him what he needs to stay comfortable, other than that I'm utterly helpless. And I can't touch him because it makes him feel awful. The one thing I think would be so comforting and a way to connect with him makes him feel awful. I keep my hands to myself and my tears back just long enough so he doesn't see.

Today was a breaking point of sorts. I wondered if I could keep going like this. I wondered if I could make it through the day. I wondered "what if". I cried a lot today. I mean, a lot. I prayed a lot. I got scared a little, then prayed more. Another day in the ER. Another sickness. Another scare. Another unknown. Another "just wait and see". Another "will you trust Me?" {big, deep, long sigh...} Yes, yes I will trust YOU, Lord.

He was kind to us, again. I firmly believe that God's grace and mercy is what got Patrick into the car and what got me through the day. God provided friends to watch Benjamin (for FIVE hours!). God met us where we were and cared for us. He gave Patrick rest and, eventually, relief through medication. God gave us a pretty content and easy going child. God gave me patience and strength that I can't comprehend and does not come naturally, today. And God gave me a strong stomach and gag reflex - today - so I didn't throw up once when Patrick did. Not even once! Even little things are a big deal to me anymore. God isn't just in the big, crazy answers to prayer. God is in the everyday, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened", little, tiny things.

{One last big, deep, long sigh...} And our kitchen doesn't have hot water. Because it's so cold that the pipe is frozen. So I get hot water from the laundry room. No big deal. At least our bathroom has hot water.

Oh, one more thing. I think it's no coincidence that in my time with the Lord this morning I read about Peter denying Christ. My study asked how often I deny Christ. I shook my head as I remembered so many times, so many ways. But, you know what?The last two weeks have taught me that Christ so worthy. Why would I deny the One who is constantly there? My Redeemer? My Healer? My every day need Meeter? My One True Love? My Strength? My Rock? He is faithful, sovereign, gracious and full of mercy.

Do I know That Man? Oh, you mean the one who never forgets me? The One who has cared for my family beyond comprehension? The One who has never, ever left me? Yes I do. Yes I do.

I hope the last two weeks have made me more refined, more usable. Either way, it's been worth it because each struggle, each big, deep, long sigh helps me to know the Lord just a little more. Don't you think it's worth it too!?

P.S. Could you please pray for my incredible husband? I've never seen him like this and he told me today that this has to be the worst thing that has ever happened to him. He can't move. He feels awful. Please call out to the Lord on his behalf.


Jen said...

Praying, Ashley... for Patrick's complete healing and HIS sustaining grace for you all in the midst of this trial. Love to the McBs from the Czs!

Anonymous said...

Praying for all of you, Ashley.
! Peter 1:7 I just thought of that verse today..much more precious than of gold that perisheth!!! Mary

Jeannie said...

I am praying, Aaron is praying, my students are praying, and you are now on the teacher prayer chain over here in MN -- I love you so much and wish we were closer!!!

Aub said...

If you guys need anything, just let us know! I hope Patrick makes a full recovery soon!

Anonymous said...

I have read your blog for years. My brother had this about 1 1/2 years ago. It was terrible but you do recover. He had a few issues with it on and off for 6 months but NOTHING like the first few days. He is terrific shape and it just happened out of the blue. I remember him trying to get across the floor to bed and carrying a bucket so he could stop and throw up. Scary but recoverable. Praying for Patrick and you as you take care of him!!

mama cindy said...

I really wish I could be there in times like this, but you are doing an AMAZING!! job. I'm very proud that you didn't throw up when Patrick did. I probably would have. Keep your chin up and tell Patrick to get better!! Love you!!!