Saturday, March 19, 2011

Just a post of venting and being pregnant...

Bear with me. This is another post about carrying a child, being pregnant, blah, blah, blah. Also, I will be venting and trying to find my rational mind. You have been warned.

The last few days have been emotional, to say the least. Now that I think about it "emotional" may not be the best word here. Irrational. Yes! That's the word!

My name is Ashley and I am irrational. Hi.

It may have started before this, but the clear cut start to my insanity (in my unstable mind) started on Thursday when it was super warm and I didn't have much to wear because my last baby was born in March. In Pennsylvania. So, I'm hot and sweaty and I get through the day. But I did make a resolution to find warm weather maternity clothes, on the cheap, to wear for these last 10 1/2 weeks.

And then Friday comes.

Benjamin and I are going to the zoo and then meeting Patrick for lunch. I try on at least 83 things before declaring that I'm going naked, but then come to my senses and throw on khaki shorts, a white t-shirt and black cardigan. Good. Until I get to Patrick's work. You see, there's a dress code for all employees AND for family when they are on campus. Shorts, my friends, are against the dress code.

In my defense, they were khaki! And not super short! But I was a wreck the whole time thinking I was going to get Patrick in trouble and remembering that I didn't have anything else to wear. I was useless for any kind of {rational} conversation.

I've had several people tell me that I'm pretty big for ____ weeks. People also ask if I'm having twins. Really, people? Is that what you want to say to a pregnant woman? Have you ever been pregnant? Have you even been married to a pregnant woman? Have you ever known a pregnant woman? Oh, you have? Then be kind, please.

I went out last night to find a few warm weather things to wear. I stopped at Old Navy and left with two tank tops and a black skirt. Perfect. Oh wait, except that I nearly had an emotional break-down. And I called Patrick, and my mom, to tell them that I was in fact the largest 29 week pregnant woman ever to live. And that all clothes looked awful on me. And I'm certain I said a lot of other irrational things. And all I remember was that my mom said, "Maybe there is a surprise twin in there." *Good grief*

I went to Target and got a pair of jean shorts. That makes me feel good about life. Except that the world of maternity-clothes-makers think they can charge you an arm and a leg for clothes. You know why they think that? Because you'll pay it. Because you need clothes that fit. Because you're irrational and emotional! But the things I bought at Old Navy were not maternity. You should know that. I'm just getting fussy.

Here is where my straw broke, if you will. We went to Lowe's today to get stain for a dresser and a few other things. Patrick and B went to get the other things and I was instructed to find a stain color that I liked. So I was looking at different brands, colors, whatevers and the employee came over to me (a man. early 50's. I'm sure he means well in life) and asked if I was finding everything okay. I responded with my question: Is this indoor or outdoor stain?

Instead of answering my question well meaning man (WMM) says, "When is the baby due?" Then our conversation went like this:
Me: June 2nd...*reaching for a can of stain*
WMM: Oh. You're getting pretty big if you're due June 2nd.
Me: *deep sigh* It's my second baby. *smiles*
WMM: Are you having twins?
Me: Nope.
WMM: Triplets?
Me: No, just one!
WMM: I'm a twin.
Me: That's fun. Can I use this stain on furniture?
WMM: No, you need to go over to the next aisle.
Me: Thanks.

*Deep sigh, again* That made me feel horrible. Patrick keeps giving me pep talks and tells me to shrug it off. And I'm trying. But his pep talks are good.

Here is the thing: I'm letting the whole wide world tell me what I'm suppose to look like pregnant and making me feel awful about it. But God made my body to look just like it does while I'm carrying babies. Maybe I am a little big, but I would rather be the size I am and have a healthy baby. I don't want to be stick thin. I want to gain weight and give my baby boy the best opportunity to grow and thrive in my womb!

AND Why would I not rejoice in my body carrying a baby, anyways? We prayed and prayed and prayed for four years for a baby. And then, God allowed me to get pregnant through modern medicine. He made my body to carry babies. And then we tried and tried again for another baby. And He answered our prayers, again! We don't deserve even one chance at being parents and having babies. Now, we have TWO!

It's so easy to become self-consumed and think that the world revolves around me. It doesn't. And honestly, I have no desire for it to. I want the exact opposite. I want my world, and the whole world, to revolve around an incredible God who hears and heals and grows and humbles. A God who made the world to revolve around Himself. And here I am, trying to steal His thunder. Ugh. That makes me feel so awful because I don't want to live like that.

I want to remember that my body is a temple. My body was made by God just the way He wanted my body to be. I don't want to take this time for granted or waste my pregnancies away, wishing my hips weren't so wide or that my belly didn't stick out so much. Ha! I want to rejoice that my body is carrying {another} child! And that belly that sticks out so much? Well it's housing a perfect little miracle, who moves and shakes and loves being in there.

Okay. Done venting. I feel much better. See, I knew I would find some kind of ration to my head. I just need to talk through it.


Morgan said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who freaks out over things like this! Now I'm struggling with my 'after 2nd baby' body. Oh joy. You probably aren't that big, people just don't know. I'm glad you got some tanks and a skirt from Old Navy!! Hang in there!

Luke's Mom said...

You need to come over and go through my stuff again. Even if some of it is a little big at least you won't have to buy more. Besides I think you look perfect and happy and who cares what people you don't know say :)

mama cindy said...

Oh.My.Goodness! I am so sorry, SO sorry for saying that about a surprise twin. You look fine you look beautiful!! Love you!

Jeannie said...

This is why pregnant women need SIGNS. People think they have a green light for saying whatever pops into their minds in front of a woman with child.

I was the same way with Daniel and just about lost my religion on numerous occasions....

Lauren said...

Oh girl! Just so you know, when you were posting belly shots as your pregnancy progressed I had another pregnant friend who was saying how big she was and was imagining how much bigger she would be with so many weeks left (which she wasn't big) and I laughed at her and told her that being a good 15 weeks behind you both I had seen your pics on your blog and was like, "what is that? I was that size not pregnant." :) So, all that to say, you look great. Not that we should compare ourselves to others because like you said, we're all designed different, but if you took me to Lowe's at 29 weeks, they'd probably call an ambulance afraid I'd deliver my twins right there ;) ;)

Keep showing grace to those people as you remember that God's works are wonderful and they really probably just haven't seen a 29 week pregnant lady who is thin all over in a long time :) You look beautiful!