Saturday, March 26, 2011

So many tears...

Today I have cried a lot. I cried so much that I fell asleep during the sermon at church because my eyes burned so badly. It was only 5:45pm. I should not have been that tired. And after my last breakdown Patrick said, "I don't remember you being this emotional with Benjamin."

So. many. tears.

All of my tears and thoughts are completely rational and make every bit of sense. To me. I cried because I miss my mom and she won't be here to help me right after Beta comes. I cried because my son does not sleep and I'm exhausted from going to bed late and waking up early and him not napping. I cried because we need a dresser for Benjamin's room, so we can move the changing table {which has B's clothes right now} into Beta's room.

I cried because I was completely prepared {eh, as well as you can be} for Benjamin to come. His room was ready to go. His clothes were washed. Diapers were sorted. The bassinet was set up. And now, I'm not the slightest bit ready for Beta. Except we do have two boxes of diapers. And a lot of clothes that need washed.

I cried because I am so worried that I won't be good at being a momma of two. I feel incapable and inadequate and overwhelmed - and I still only have one child! I cried because I'm not sure how I'll get through the day with two children all alone. And what if Beta doesn't sleep either?! Oh goodness. What if I just can't do it? What if I'm not cut out to be a momma of two?

I cried because Benjamin will need attention and he'll want to spend all his time with Patrick. And that made me sad because I don't want to leave him out. I don't want to miss him. I want there to be enough of me for all of them - Patrick and Benjamin and Beta.

I cried because I felt alone. Not because I don't have friends or family or anyone to talk to. I cried because I don't think I have the mental capacity to reach out and make and effort and find friends to cry uncontrollably to or to hang out with. I've resolved that everyone already has a friend and there's no need to squeeze myself in somewhere. But in real life, I don't work like that and I know that's not true.

I cried because I read a blog about a dog. This is not a joke. I just needed to tell you.

I cried because Patrick and I are learning new things in our marriage and trying to work through things that haven't been working. I cried because I don't discuss well and make life hard for my husband. I cried because he doesn't quite understand me. I cried because marriage can be hard work and require a lot of effort - whether your irrational and pregnant, or not. It's worth it, though. And I love that we are not giver-upers. We are work it-outers.

I cried because my back hurts and I can't fix it. No one can fix it. I just need to give birth {Lord willing} and it will go away as quickly as it came. I cried because holding my child or hugging my husband hurts. It's not just the bottom of my back anymore, it's the whole darn thing.

I cried because I so easily let myself believe lies and un-truths that the world tells me. I forget so quickly Who God is and how BIG and wonderful He is. I cried because I just want to remember the good, rational things that I know: God is good. He wouldn't have let me get pregnant if it wasn't His best for us. He never leaves me. His word is satisfying, even more than a dresser and diapers and a rational mind. I cried because God is faithful, even when I am not.

That makes me cry tears of joy and peace, too.

I cried. A lot. Over little things and big things. Mostly silly, irrational things. My eyes are puffy and red. But I feel a little better. It's really amazing what a good, long cry {or three} can do for you.

You know how you can take a deep breath and then let it out - long and deflating and cleansing? I did that today, too. And this is what I know:

"Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You." Psalm 63:3

1 comment:

mama cindy said...

My pretty little princess Ashley,
your Mom misses you too. It's okay to cry. I know you are scared so am I. I wish I could be there right now with a great big hug. So here is one OOOOOOOOO and then a (X) on the cheek. I love you and I know you are going to be a great mother of two. I love you the moon.