While I've experienced many different types of grief in my life, I'm most fond of the grief that doesn't have a bad or hard ending. Who isn't? Although I will say that when there is a hard ending, the lesson proves to be pretty defining and much more life changing. Those things are not bad at all. But hard endings and good endings are both faith changing.
On Friday night, I started bleeding. Again. This time, though, I was a little more uneasy. I felt a little more unsteady. A thousand things started running through my head. What did I do wrong? Why did I drink all of that diet coke at dinner? Did I do something lifting weights? Should I stop carrying Benjamin on my back? Are the antibiotics hurting Beta? I mean, really, I just kept going and going with crazy ideas.
I laid down on the couch and drank a lot of water. I stopped to consider my day and realized that I didn't sit much at all and my body was really exhausted. The midwife on call gave me two options: go to the ER or stay at home and don't move. Um. I went to the ER.
On my way to the ER (I was alone) I was crying out to God. Literally. I was so grateful for Who He was. I was recalling His promises and His faithfulness. But I was also pleading for the mercy of Beta's life. I confessed my longing to meet this sweet baby and hold him in my arms. I confessed my doubt and my shaky faith that's easily swayed.
I prayed for Beta's life, his health, his care. You see, I know full well that God is really the grower and sustainer of this tiny little fella inside of me. I know that beyond caring for myself and doing the "right" things, I cannot control Beta's life. I have no control over his life, or death. What a helpless feeling as a mom, but what a beautiful place to rest as a child of God.
I was praying through Hosea 2. I'm sure you know by now the incredible love I have for Hosea :) (If not you can learn about it here and here) I thanked the Lord that He lures us into the wilderness, only to speak tenderly to us. He pursues us, calls us, so He can carry us. So sweet. I was restful in the fact that I am bethrothed to Him in faithfulness, justice and righteousness! I am His. Beta is His.
And once I was done I took a deep breath. I let out a huge sigh. And just like that, it was done. My heart was secure and steadfast. I was confident and at peace. The Lord is so sweet.
At the hospital I was checked in and laying in a bed right away. I love that there is an ER for pregnant women! The nurse and midwife, Deb, were both so fantastic. We talked and laughed a lot and they were very reassuring. In between tests and such, I was left in the room alone. I found that time so comforting as I read God's word. I found great peace in Psalms 89-92. I just read and read and read. He spoke to me so quietly, so powerfully, as I sat in His word.
And so, as it turns out, I have a bacterial infection. I was given (more) antibiotics and should be good to go in a few days. You know what?! Praise God for grief and for bleeding. Had I not started bleeding, the infection could have grown and caused pre-term labor. He saved Beta from coming too early by causing my body to respond to the infection! How can I not fall to my knees in humility and be grateful for this grief?
Once again, God has shown Himself so faithful to me. I don't deserve this. I'm not worthy of such attention and affection, but still here I am - cared for by the Almighty Himself! The lessons and tests of this pregnancy have been so incredible, so beyond my comprehension. I'm so humbled that God would allow me to go through these things, this grief, so I could know Him more. Oh my soul. He is so worthy of all my trust and all my affection. I only hope I can give Him an ounce of what He gives me!
"I will sing of the LORD’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you have established your faithfulness in heaven itself." -Psalm 89:1-2